Redneck Bar & Grill
Beer, Friends, Food
Your Bullets Cannot Harm This Redhead
So; another thing I like to do when I’m totally lacking originality…I mean when I want to help our patrons discover new and exciting things, is to upload someone else’s video that they worked very hard on. I recently discovered a song called “Bulletproof” by a group calling themselves La Roux. It’s kind of a catchy tune and the lead singer Eleanor Jackson seems like an…interesting person (despite the fact that her hair and makeup look like they were done by Ray Charles on a bender).
Now for some inexplicable reason I can’t seem to actually embed the video here. However, you can just click on the link and be instantly transported to someplace where you can watch it. Enjoy.
Seen Any Really, Really Bad Movies Lately?
So, usually when I run out of things to blog about I just surf around the interweb, reading other peoples’ blogs and stealing their ideas. But this time I decided to do something completely different. I was over at The Rundown a few days back and I read a very interesting post that inspired me to write something totally original. Manodogs was talking about a re-release of “Plan 9 From Outer Space” coming this summer, in 3-D.
As I’m certain many of you are aware, Ed Woods’ magnum opus is widely considered to be the worst movie ever made. Alas, I have never had the pleasure of watching it so I can’t say wether or not it is so. However, I got to thinking that “Plan 9″ may have once held that illustrious distiction, I believe that there are some other more recent movies that should be given consideration.
For example, I was just reading about “From Justin to Kelly” (I’ve never felt self-abusive enough to watch it). According to IMDb the plot is as follows: “Spring break in Miami is the scene. It’s where surf-drenched guys cruise girls in bikinis and raucous parties rule day and night. It’s the perfect time and place for three young women from Texas and a trio of college guys from Pennsylvania to find adventure and maybe even fall in love.” Sounds totally tubular doesn’t it? ?Well, one critic said, “The notion behind it is as contrived, forced, manipulated and fake as any film ever made.” I guess that says it all.
One would also have to take into account such screen gems as; “Glitter”, “Crossroads” and (of course) “Gigli” when one is considering the worst movies ever made. Aagin, I’ve never had the good fortune to see any of these so I just have to take the entire rest of the worlds’ word for it.
Now, as for movies that reeked with stinkosity that I have seen: “I Know Who Killed Me” was pretty awful; Lindsay Lohan as a stripper who never took off her clothes, what’s up wit’ dat? Actually though, for me it’s a toss up between “The Hulk” and “Batman & Robin”. They both caused me irreversible brain damage; those are some neurons that I ain’t never gonna get back.
So I’m sure Ed Wood did his very best to do the very worst; but I’m sorry to say there has been about two new generations of supremely lousy writers and directors since his day. I’m sorry Ed.
I know you thought that no one saw you, but I did. You were very careful. What you did should have gone completely unseen. Your backyard is fenced in and the neighbours on both sides of you were away at the time. You should have had privacy. Unfortunately, for both of us, I was at the top of a power pole, in the back alley, just a half block away. I saw everything; and not a day goes by that it doesn’t haunt me.
When I think back on it, I wonder why I didn’t do something. Maybe I could not have intervened directly, but I could have called someone. I suppose, at that point though, an ambulance could not have done anything. The fire department; well, it really wasn’t their…department (so to speak). The police, perhaps, might have made an arrest. Still, though, it was too late to prevent what had already happened. At any rate, I guess I was too much in shock to do anything but stare in horror and disbelief.
Now, no matter what I do I cannot get that image out of my head. I have taken to drinking in an effort to at least numb myself. But, of course, that only works in the short term. Maybe by writing about it I will somehow find some sense of closure. Maybe, someday, I will forget that I saw an obesely fat man mowing his lawn wearing nothing but a Speedo.
…then, according to Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a Redneck. However, what if your lawn furniture used to be part of your van? What does that make you?
And what if you dismantle your washing machine with a shovel? What does that say about you? (Incidentally the ultimate goal of that was to make a fire pit; in case that makes a difference to your perceptions.)
Don’t Go Changing
The other day, I was talking to my friend Sandi. She started to go on a rant about how when she went to the store to buy freeze pops, they had changed the varieties. There was now strange and unusual flavours like mango and white. She wanted to know what had happened to the red, orange and green flavours (Sandi is one of those rare people who can taste colours). She went on to say that she didn’t like change.
A little bit later in the evening she asked me to be in charge of making burgers for an upcoming barbecue. I made the mistake of saying that I was working on a special recipe for them. She then became quite upset and demanded that I make the exact same burgers that I usually made because that was the type she liked. I reassured her that I only meant that some of the fixings would be different. I was going to have multi-grain buns, jalapeno-mozza cheese (as opposed to the Krapt Shingles[TM] slab of cheese flavoured chemicals that most people use) and a chilli-lime mayo. I promised the burgers would be just as she liked.
Her response was, “You’re what’s wrong with the world, Ernie. There’s no need for chilli-lime mayo. Why do things need to be changed?”
I pondered this notion for a while and I came to realize that we are constantly surrounded by change. Everything that we have now has changed out of something else. For example; earlier that night, Sandi and I had ordered a fully loaded pizza and chicken wings. If you think about it though, originally pizza was a thin, crisp crust with a very simple tomato sauce and fresh mozzarella cheese cooked in a wood fired oven, no other toppings. Modern pizzas that you get from a big chain barely resemble the original recipe at all. Somewhere along the way someone said, “I think we need to change this.” The same goes for chicken wings. The very first time a chicken was cooked it was most likely spit roasted, whole, over an open fire. Then somebody came along and said, “We need to change this so that we only cook the wings by themselves. That would be better.”
The cars we drive, the clothes we wear, the houses we live in, the Blue Beaver Beer we drink, even the toilet paper we use everyday; it has all changed from something else and it is a guarantee that it will change again into a new variety. In fact stop to consider this; we wouldn’t even bee here if our ancestors hadn’t said to themselves, “You know Europe is pretty cool and all, but I feel like a change. Let’s go check out the ‘New World”.
We cannot escape change, it happens constantly; we must learn to embrace it. Well, unless you have yourself put into a coma. Then (subjectively speaking) nothing would ever change.
That Was Expo-alidocious!
This past week-end, I had occasion to attend the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo. Let me tell you, I was mighty entertained. As a confirmed Fan-boy, I was super excited to see all the vast quantities of comics for sale. Even better was to attend a panel with comic legends Chris Claremont and Len Wein answering questions from the audience about the X-Men.
Just leaving aside the comic half of the expo, the entertainment half was even better. Featuring such celebrities as Aaron Douglas, Tahmoh Penikett, Sid Haig, Malcolm McDowell, and Erin Gray; as well as Brent Spiner and the great one himself (no, not Gretzky) Leonard frakkin’ Nimoy!
I attended multiple panels with all of these guests and more. I heard some very interesting stories and I found out that Malcolm McDowell is a very funny man. One audience member asked him what he thought of the fact that the Halloween remake was widely disliked. He responded, “I don’t give a crap! I cashed my cheque; buh-bye!” Brent Spiner, though, was even funnier. He did impressions of Captain Picard and Worf and he mentioned how he preferred to do episodes of The Next Generation where he only had one or two lines of dialogue, because he got paid the same as when he did an episode that was entirely focused on Data. Then of course there was Nimoy. Just attending his panel was nearly worth the price of admission. He talked about his trip to Vulcan, Alberta, where he was honoured with a parade and a key to the city (which he said he is planning to try out). He mentioned his work on the t.v. series Fringe; he will be in two more episodes before the end of season two (one of which is supposed to reveal William Bell’s true motivations). And he mentioned that he has made a decision to retire from movies and t.v. Instead he will focus on his photography.
Another highlight was Ed & Red’s Mini-Show; starring Ed the Sock and the very lovely, talented and funny Lianna K. (whose picture graces the top left corner). Their guest stars were Aaron Douglas, Erin Gray, Tahmoh Penikett, Sid Haig, and Lloyd Kaufman with The Toxic Avenger. There were some very funny stories told and I learned a few things I never even would have guessed (i.e. Sid Haig is a liscensed hypno-therapist and Erin Gray has been doing Tai-Chi for the past thirty years.
I should also mention a t-shirt booth that was set up. Some of my favourites were “Horton Hears Cthulhu“, “And then Buffy staked Edward. The end.” and one that had a picture of the panther Guenhwyvar gnawing on Drizzt Do’Urden’s head and underneath the caption “I can has elf?”(that one may be sort of an inside joke).
I could just go on and on about this event, I’m sure that our Beer Buddy (and fellow fan-boy), Manodogs, would be fascinated by it and maybe Steve would enjoy a detailed analyisis of how it was all set up and run (seeing as it is a type of trade show). However, I would hardly know where to stop if I really got going. But I will say, if anyone finds themselves out in this general direction next year, you should come by and check it out. The CCEE is Western Canada’s largest expo of it’s kind, second only to Toronto. In the coming days I’ll share some of my pictures with all of you.
Comment If You Like Beaver
So, I got to thinking about something the other day. Most people will agree that people are the most intelligent life forms on Earth. (I know some of you out there will try to make a case for dolphins being pretty smart; but really, when was the last time a dolphin came up with a new app for the iPhone? Get real.) So; say you have an employee who seems incapable of learning even the simplest of tasks. You speak to him and he might briefly glance at you before going back to whatever he’s doing but more likely he completely ignores you. The only time he shows a hint of interest is when you offer him food. Would you say that this person is extremely independent and highly intelligent? Or would you say that if he was any dumber you’d have to water him twice a week?
Now let’s say you have an employee who is extremely loyal to you. He’s always doing his very best to learn whatever you try to teach him. He may be a bit of a suck-up, but deep down he just wants to make you happy with his performance. Would you think that he’s so stupid you have to walk behind him with a plastic bag when he goes outside? Or would you think, “This guy could be my best friend”?
Now let’s apply this analogy to the animal world; specifically cats and dogs. All the cat people out there would have you believe that those creatures are so independent that they won’t take orders from a mere human. And, supposedly, dogs are too dumb to think for themselves. Personally, I just don’t have much use for cats who want to be either let in or out of the house every hour on the hour while I am trying to get some sleep on my friends couch. On the other hand though, I don’t really enjoy constantly being licked when the family pet wants attention (but if people would raise their children better that wouldn’t be an issue).
From this rant you might assume that I am a “dog-person”. It is true that I like dogs far more than cats, but I consider myself to be a “beaver-person”. They’re just so cute and furry. I love to bury my face in them. And they make great watch-dogs. They’ll always slap their tails whenever danger is nearby. I even got myself a bumper sticker, “Honk if you like beaver”. You’d be surprised at how many drivers will honk their horns at you. Strangely though, it’s almost exclusively men.
Ernie recently posted Stick It Up Your App as part of his ongoing battle against pointless sillyness. Now I realize Ernie is all for pointful sillyness, such as green beer on St. Patrick’s Day. And, I’d have to agree that many of the apps I personally loaded onto my iPhone were not only pointless and silly but also didn’t work very good.
For instance, Grenade Lite. If it’s the free version they attach the word Lite to it, and charge varying amounts of money to upgrade to the full flavoured version. Unfortunately for them, I’m cheap as a monkey so I never upgrade. Anyways, you slide your finger across the screen to pull the pin out of the grenade and a few seconds later, it “explodes”. Wow. Problem with this app? When you pull the pin on a real grenade, the handle flies off. Anyone that has watched Avatar could easily verify that even futuristic CG grenades work this way. The programmers of this app didn’t even figure out how a grenade works before they made their crappy app, or CRAPP. And, it really has no point. Its not like I’m going to throw my phone to fake a grenade, so I gotta hold it and let it “explode”. That’s not how we did it in the army.
Yeah, I’ve downloaded farting apps, apps that shoot virtual on screen guns, an app that loads a new insult every time you shake the phone, and one where a cow moos at you every time you talk. These were all Crapps. I had one app that just shouts “Woooooo!” every time you push the button. It makes you glad we are improving the universe with such important and functional technological advances.
But then there are all the super useful apps. Like eReader, which lets me read books anywhere and for a lot less money each than a paper book. Or Pocket Wikipedia, which allows me to win arguments on the go with those who don’t have all the facts at their fingertips. And how about Flixter, which allows me to easily find out movies playing and showtimes at local theaters. And lets not forget that I can even get phonecalls! That’s right, not only can I do all that other stuff but I can receive calls, make calls access voicemails, and even phone 911 from my iPhone. Not to mention texting.
What self respecting Hi Tech Redneck wouldn’t want to pack around a dozen ebooks and at least two gun apps?
Stick It Up Your App
I’ve been hearing a lot about all of the different apps that are available for your iPhone. Apps to help you find your favourite cheese, apps to keep up to date on every sports score you could possibly imagine (and a few you can’t), apps to make you a better amateur ornithologist, there’s even an app to cause synesthesia (I’m not joking about that one, the description for an app called Bloom actually says, “See the music”). Now I can see how some people might find things like that useful, but I thought of a couple of other apps that a regular Joe like me could really use.
My room-mate moved out recently but she hasn’t removed all of her belongings yet. She left her t.v. and DVD player behind; unfortunately she took all the remotes with her. Therefore I want to be able to point my iPhone at the electronics and have it figure out how to change the channels and fully operate the DVD player. Just to be clear though, I don’t want to have to go through the hassle of looking at the t.v. to figure out what brand it is and then having to read a list of corresponding codes and then having to enter the proper code into my phone. I mean if I have to do all that I might as well just break down and buy a universal remote.
The other app I want; you know when you’re in the living room and then you go to the kitchen to do something, but when you get there you realize that you’ve completely forgotten what you went in there to do? I want my iPhone to tell me what I was going to do. But I don’t want to have to, like, talk to it and tell it to remind me of stuff. If I’m going to do that I could just as easily get a note pad and pen. Isn’t that the whole point of having an iPhone is to make my life less complicated.
While I’m at it, I should be able to just enter a few key words and then have an app that will flesh out an, approximately, 350-400 word blog post (in my own unique voice, of course). Now those are some useful apps. Incidentally, I’m trademarking/copyrighting these apps right here and now. So, if they ever become reality Steve Jobs is going to owe me some money.
Oh and one other thing, I want an app so that my iPhone can actually send and receive calls (even though that’s about the least useful thing I can imagine using a phone for).
Women Are The Root of All Evil
I realize that’s a pretty controversial thing to say, but if you bear with me I can prove it.
In the Bible it says that God created man in His own image and gave him dominion over all the beasts of the world (or words to that effect). So Adam was just sitting around the Garden of Eden dominating the beasts. Then God thought maybe Adam was lonely. Now, He could have made another guy so that Adam would have someone to talk to about his hobbies and they could have watched the lower primates playing hockey (as they still do to this day) while sitting on the couch drinking beer and eating nachos in the Garden. Everything would have been just hunky-dorry if it had been Adam and Steve.
Instead, God created woman. I figure that even though Adam and Eve didn’t know how to have sex yet they still must have felt something that they couldn’t quite explain. This would lead to complications. As we all know it was Eve who was tempted by the serpent into eating from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Then she took the fruit to Adam and coerced him into eating it. For the record; I personally have never had any respect for guys who allow their…hormones to do the thinking for them, however I have accepted the fact that it happens all the time. So Adam didn’t think with his big head and he ate the fruit and then they were both screwed (although on the plus side they then learned how to screw). But they got kicked out of the Garden and they had to go out into the real world where evil was everywhere.
So you see, it’s all right there in the Bible and we all know that the Bible is 100% fact. You just have to know how to interpret the complex metaphors. Of course some people out there might try and blame the whole thing on God. They might say that He knew exactly what Adam and Eve would do as soon as He made them and He just let it happen. Well, to these people I want to say; get thee behind me, I don’t want to get hurt when you’re struck by lightning.