Redneck Bar & Grill
Beer, Friends, Food
Women Are The Root of All Evil
I realize that’s a pretty controversial thing to say, but if you bear with me I can prove it.
In the Bible it says that God created man in His own image and gave him dominion over all the beasts of the world (or words to that effect). So Adam was just sitting around the Garden of Eden dominating the beasts. Then God thought maybe Adam was lonely. Now, He could have made another guy so that Adam would have someone to talk to about his hobbies and they could have watched the lower primates playing hockey (as they still do to this day) while sitting on the couch drinking beer and eating nachos in the Garden. Everything would have been just hunky-dorry if it had been Adam and Steve.
Instead, God created woman. I figure that even though Adam and Eve didn’t know how to have sex yet they still must have felt something that they couldn’t quite explain. This would lead to complications. As we all know it was Eve who was tempted by the serpent into eating from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Then she took the fruit to Adam and coerced him into eating it. For the record; I personally have never had any respect for guys who allow their…hormones to do the thinking for them, however I have accepted the fact that it happens all the time. So Adam didn’t think with his big head and he ate the fruit and then they were both screwed (although on the plus side they then learned how to screw). But they got kicked out of the Garden and they had to go out into the real world where evil was everywhere.
So you see, it’s all right there in the Bible and we all know that the Bible is 100% fact. You just have to know how to interpret the complex metaphors. Of course some people out there might try and blame the whole thing on God. They might say that He knew exactly what Adam and Eve would do as soon as He made them and He just let it happen. Well, to these people I want to say; get thee behind me, I don’t want to get hurt when you’re struck by lightning.
I’m Wearing A Vest
Have you ever noticed in action movies/t.v. shows; the hero will confront the villain and get shot: three or four slugs right in the chest. Then, after the villain runs off the hero will get up (much to the surprise of the damsel in distress/informant that he is protecting). He’ll open up his shirt and explain, “I’m wearing a vest.” Then he will immediately remove said vest.
Apparently the hero figures, “Hey, I’ve already been shot there’s no way I’ll need this vest any longer; even though my nemesis is still on the loose.”
The villain should just wait around the corner and then, after the hero arrogantly removes his protection, pop out and pump a few more rounds into him and say, “There, that’ll teach you, you big dum-dum.” Or alternately, the villain could just do a little more target practice before leaving his secret lair and learn how to do a head shot. Then he could say, “I guess you should’ve have worn that vest on your head. It would have saved your life and no one would have to look at your ugly face, you infidel pig-dog.” Or words to that effect. After all, why should the hero be the only one who gets to make a semi-clever smart ass comment after killing someone (i.e. “Where’s Buzz-saw?” “He had to split.” [Incidentally I'll e-mail a six-pack of Blue Beaver Beer to anyone who can identify that quote.])
The Penultimate Monster
A little while ago Tim furthered my own thoughts regarding the ultimate monster, the Zombie/Vampire/Werewolf hybrid. Tim speculated that zombies might become frozen during the bitter Hoth-like winters we experience here on the Canadian prairies. I would like to take this time to further Tim’s further thoughts. I think the ultimate winter-friendly monster (if monsters can ever said to be friendly) would be something like a zombie/were-arctic-wolf/abominable snowman hybrid.
If you think about it (but not too deeply) the combination of the abominable snowman and arctic wolf parts would provide the necessary anti-freeze abilities for the zombie part which would provide the extra level of unkillableness for the creature. This zombie-snow-wolf-man would be capable of killing it’s way across the frozen tundra. And how could anyone ever destroy it? A silver bullet to the brain? That might work for the zombie and werewolf parts, but what about the abominable snowman aspect of it? Does anyone know how to kill such a thing? I guess it’s fortunate that the frozen tundra is sparsely populated. But then again if that movie “The Day After Tomorrow” came true then the zombie-snow-wolf-man would be able to spread it’s reign of terror much further. I shudder to think of it.
But you as bad as that monster would be, one could only hope that one never come face to face with a skajaquada.
Better Than Facebook
Is there someone from your past that you have lost contact with. Perhaps someone you went to school with or a former co-worker or maybe an ex boy/girlfriend. Have you recently found yourself wondering what they’ve been up to recently or maybe how they look now. Do you want to know personal information about them without them finding out that you’ve been inquiring? Then you need to become a member of the brand new Stalk-Book.
With Stalk-Book you can find out where your ex is working now. You can find out the home address of that cute waitress who wouldn’t even give you the time of day when you were working with her as a dishwasher. Maybe you want to find out what route that hunky water delivery boy drives so that you can follow him discreetly to watch as he flexes his big sweaty muscles and bends down to pick up those heavy water jugs. Join now to find all of these people that you could never bring yourself to approach in real life.
Basic membership is free. All you have to do is provide your own personal information including; name, maiden name, former aliases, current address, last five addresses, last seven jobs, all schools attended, make, model and license number of personal vehicle as well as any company vehicles, and work, home and cell phone numbers. Your personal information is stored on your own page along with all the photos ever taken of you. Our privacy policy ensures that your page can not be viewed by anyone that we do not approve as a member.
Anyone can become a member of Stalk-Book. After your membership is approved you will have access to any other members’ profile pages. You can search using any name you know the person by. In some case you can also use descriptive phrases, provided there is adequate information. For example: “that hot blonde chick who worked as a server at Shenaniganz from June 1999 to October 2000” will narrow down your options quite a bit. However, “that hot guy I saw at the mall on Tuesday” is far too large of a parameter.
If you wish to purchase our Platinum Membership (for only 169.95/year) you will also have access to the regular times that other members usually take a shower as well as any and all videos featuring our members that have ever been uploaded. At Stalk-Book we pride ourselves on being a better service for finding people without alerting them to your interest than Facebook and MySpace combined.
The Redneck Undead: Vampires, Zombies, Werewolves, Fast Food Attendants
Ernie and I both enjoy a good story about an undead critter, like a zombie or a government worker. I know we aren’t alone in our interests. Steve writes about his trade show zombies and the Zombie boot camp, while Petra at Lil Blog of Horrors delves right into all kinds of dark and scary “B” movies. For instance, check out her review of Trailer Park of Terror. Scary stuff, kids!I get the feling that Steve hopes to never see a real zombie or any other kind of horrifying undead. Petra might actually want to run into one though…
Ernie once wrote about The ultimate monster, a werewolf/vampire/zombie hybrid. I gotta tell yah, this idea of a WereZombPire really freaks me out. Can you imagine a hairy monstrosity bending over to bite your neck, and one of his rotten fingers falls right off his paw into your face? Or would he be after your brains, and then change his mind and go for the neck? Can you stop howling at the moon and just kill me and get it over with, already! If you put too many undead superpowers in one critter, it just seems unmanageable. When he changes back from werewolf, is he still a VampZombie or is he human? Does he shuffle along, bumping into walls aimlessly, or is he a “fast” zombie? Can it go outside in the sunlight? And, is it into necrobestiality?
As Ernie pointed out, who would be capable of creating a monster like this? The zombie part would be potentially useful in controlling your undead beastie, but what would be this evil genius’ overall goal? World domination? You would need an army of these things… Or do they infect victims with WVZ cell virus and you become a rotting hairy bloodsucker in short order? It would be a good idea to read up on the possibility of a zombie apocalypse just in case this kind of thing ever happens.
Then of course we get to the Evil Dead, and it turns out that the Evil Dead are Pretty Good Singers. We are both long time fans of this particular undead franchise. I mean, who wouldn’t love a guy who cuts off his own hand and attaches a mean ‘ole chainsaw to the stump, to fight demon infested zombies? With lines like “Wait. Its a trick. Get an axe!” you just can’t go wrong. While I never got to see the musical, Ernie gave it a great review. The evil dead are worse than a regular zombie. If a demon gets into you, you go bad. There doesn’t have to be a bite or wound, they just fly around trying to get you in their insubstantial form, until they do.
One thing I’ve always wondered is, how do zombies move around when its minus 30 C outside? Do they freeze solid and thaw out in the spring, or are they full of some sort of necro antifreeze? I’m betting that today in Alberta, all the zombies are frozen stiff and I can put my necro sledge away for a a bit.
Shedding More Light On Twilight?
I have been around the internets and seen several Wordle pictures. These things fascinate me. I took my recent post about Twilight and Wordle- ified it. It just seems so weird and intuitive that I decided to put it out for everyone to see. It’s dark, edgy, and jumbled. How did it know to pick this layout on its own?
Oh, and the name of the post is not a reference to wolf hair. Also, I probably won’t shed any light on the subject. More likely I’m muddying the waters and confusing predictions, just like Alice is blocked by Jacob and his friend.
Twilight and the Bestiality vs. Necrophilia Debate
What with all the internet hooplah over Twilight being about necrophilia or bestiality, I thought I’d throw my two cents in. Be warned, not only might there be Twilight spoilers, this might be a lunch spoiler for some.
Before I start, I should point out that I read all the books plus watched both movies. My daughter convinced me to read the first book, and I was hooked. I got the rest of them and read nonstop until I was done the series. It isn’t my usual type of reading, but I loved it.
Many of the people commenting online about this don’t seem to have any knowledge of the storyline at all, judging from their comments on message boards:
“well i think it’s half necro, and half beastiality
Necro-Beastiality?”
“ok. from a sci-fi book lover. vampires are not animals, and they are UNdead. so it would be neither bestiality nor necrophilia.”
Well the first comment is just missing the boat entirely. There are no werewolf vampire combos available for Bella to get the hots for. The second comment shows a complete lack of the storyline as well. Bella has to chose between a vampire or a werewolf, people! Didn’t you watch the trailer at least?
Is a love life with a vampire necrophilia? I don’t think so. My understanding of this deviant practice is that individuals are turned on by the ultimate control of a motionless, unresisting, nonthreatening partner. This does not describe a mobile creature that can barely resist ripping into you to suck out your life force. So technically it might be necrophilia in a way because vampires have no life. But in practice it is obviously a different situation.
Same thing goes for bestiality and werewolves. Bella is attracted to Jacob, and was before she knew he was able to change shape. There is no indication whatsoever that she is all hot and bothered about dogs, wolves, or any other furry critter. Bestiality is usually with farm animals, because again, just like dead bodies, they’re easy. Most of these sexual deviants have issues with rejection and fear. A real guy or gal will be too threatening. Let’s tie up Bessie and get a stool! Werewolves could potentially reject you in a very bloody fashion, but Bessie already puts up with milking, so how much dignity does she really have?
Anyone else have thoughts on this?
Rural Internet Woes: Stupid Aircards!
Wooooo! I’m ready to let out a Howard Dean scream like my favorite jacked Gingah!
Finally. I have high speed internet again.
I have been relying on an aircard that goes into the USB port. My Compass 597 Aircard from Telus works pretty good in town. Out here in the sticks, I was getting only one bar. According to their customer service, that is “plenty for full speed downloads”. It isn’t, unless they were refering to the blistering full speeds of dialup. The signal would drop right at the most inopportune times as well, such as just after typing in a post and pushing the publish button, or right after typing in an email reply and hitting the send button. And after about half an hour, the aircard starts getting pretty warm. Then nothing works anymore.
I was forced to sign a one year contract for this aircard. I’m glad it wasn’t a three year deal.
I also had a Rogers Rocketstick aircard before the Compass, and it was even worse.Fortunately, I was able to return that one for free. You really can’t beat Rogers customer service, I’ll give them that.
Yesterday, a helpful young guy named Robert came by and installed a Galaxy Broadband satellite dish. So far, it seems to be working pretty well. Satellite internet isn’t super fast, but it’s faster than my aircard is in a full service area. In other words, compared to what I’ve been using, it is da bomb, baby.
I actually watched a Youtube video! I know! Amazing. Later, I think I’m gonna dowload a couple of those pesky updates that have been stacking up. With pages loading faster, I might visit a few sites that were downloading too slow for me to bother with.
The only thing I have to watch out for, is on the plan we are on, there is a maximum 300MB per day download policy. That’s right, the dowwnload police could shut me down for a few hours. I’m sure the kids will set that one off eventually.
I Frakkin’ Knew It!
A couple of days ago I wrote all I knew about this H1N1 thing that’s going around. I sort of touched on a few things I suspected about it, but I didn’t really get into that. Mostly I just stuck to the facts. Now, however some of my suspicions have been confirmed.
I was watching that documentary television show, “V” the other night and it turns out that the Visitors are putting some sort of a drug into the human flu vaccine. It’s not really clear what this drug does, but the Visitors do have a hidden agenda so I’ll bet it’s nothing good. We’ve already heard about how they’ve had sleeper agents on Earth for many years; slowly infiltrating many different political, religious and media organizations. For all we know they may have created the flu-formerly-known-as-swine, then they made the immunization and then they started the fear-mongering in order to get everyone injected with this mysterious secret drug of theirs.
Well, I’m sure not going to let them get me. I’m going to spread the word. Everyone who reads this has to tell two friends, who will in turn tell two friends, who will also tell two friends each, and so on, and so on. Of course I realize that I’m putting myself at risk by spreading these paranoid delusions cold hard facts. I could very well end up in a re-Neducation centre. If I turn around and write another post, in a couple of days, about how I was totally wrong and the V’s are our friends, then you’ll know they got to me. But so long as the message gets out it will be worth it.
And Now a Couple Comments That We Deleted
Not that long ago, I put out our new Comment Rules for the Redneck Bar and Grill. I didn’t really expect spammers to read them, but it made me feel a little better just to put it into words. Following all the hassle with our site being hacked, I decided that the time had come to clean up the joint. Lame comments and spam have no place here. (Read this post if you need to know why you should upgrade your WordPress installation.)
I figure other bloggers will understand where I was coming from. Most of our readers do. Even if they aren’t “real” bloggers and are just in it for whatever money they can scrounge up by leaving lame comments in an attempt at gaining links for their “niche” sites.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve visited quite a few Dofollow blogs myself in order to promote my other sites. The thing is, I always tried to find posts on which I had a real comment to give, which involved reading. I also followed the rules, if they were visible, such as using a first name or not using any keywords. I would end up reading a lot more than commenting, which takes a lot of time but was very interesting.
We deleted several hundred comments this week, a lot of them actual out and out drug spam. I kinda miss the sex spam, it was more interesting to read before deleting. All of these stupid Tamiflu spams are borriinngg! Then we deleted a few that completely broke our rules for this site but seemed like they might be written by actual bloggers. For instance, here is one left by a person named Folders Printing:
I do not agree with this clause you put above
“Keywords are allowed. We have the handy dandy Keyword Luv plugin and we encourage it’s use. However, you need to use this tool properly. I want to see your name, and then your keyword, like this: Johnny@Truck Nuts or Suzanne@Scrap Book Stickers. If your name isn’t first, then forget it! Delete!”
As i have seen so many commenters not following this, they use only their keywords as their name, what about that, you should consider all equally.
Well, Folders, sorry you don’t agree with our rules. Guess what? Too bad. Not only do I not find your comment funny or clever, but you’re parents gave you a really lousy name. Mr. and Mrs. Printing really dropped the ball. I bet with a name like Folders, grade school was hell. But that’s nothing compared to the handle on this next commenter. Lets see what Gestational Diabetes had to say for him (her?)self:
“I like this posting! It helps a lot of people especially those who are suffering from gestational diabetes. Aside from the details mentioned above, are there any other information you can share?”
Gestational, I can’t help but come to the conclusion that your comment was not quite fully developed. It needs to go back into the oven. Your premature typing needs a little more research. For instance, were you aware that virtually the entire post you commented on was pure fiction, conceived by us? It might surprise you to know that a lot of our details “mentioned above” are illegitimate. I suggest you abort your attempts to spam us. Also, there are no any other information we can share.
There were a few others, but Folders Printing and Gestational Diabetes sure took it this week. I’m sure there will be a few more in the spam folder before long.