As I’m sure all of you recall, about a month ago I received a letter from an animal rights group regarding a problem with some wolves. The response to that was nigh overwhelming. So, I would like to share with you another letter they sent me in regards to another animal that requires some attention.
Good Evening Sir/Madam,
This is Ernie from The Association For The Fair And Equitable Assigning Of Inalienable Rights To All Native Canadian Residents Except For Those On Baffin Island (A.F.F.E.A.I.R.A.N.C.R.E.F.T.O.B.I.). I would like to thank-you for your past support of our efforts to improve life for those creatures who have difficulty improving their own lives. You will be glad to know that there have been no recent incidents of Timber Wolves being attacked by the Sasquatch.
Recently the plight of another threatened species has come to our attention. The Donnerson’s Poplar Tree Gopher has become greatly imperiled. The problem lies in the rather selective diet of the Donnerson’s Gopher. It only eats the leaves of mature poplar trees, which is to say trees that are over 30 years old. Unfortunately the Tree Gopher population is starting to become overlarge.
The reasons for this are rather complex. The only natural predator of the Poplar Tree Gopher is the Burrow Owl. Now since the Burrow Owl lives on the ground and this Gopher lives in the tree, they don’t often interact. In the natural order of things, what happens is this; Grizzly Bears walk through the woods, stopping periodically to scratch themselves on the poplar trees, the shaking causes the Gophers to fall out of the trees, as they scramble to get back up they become easy prey for the Burrow Owls. In the past few years, though, Grizzly Bear traffic has decreased significantly.
This seems to be the result of too many bird watchers and nature lovers in the woods. The Grizzlies, contrary to popular belief, do not indiscriminately attack humans. They actually try to avoid such encounters, So it is that the Gophers are not being shaken out of the trees, and thus their population is not being naturally controlled.
What occurs as a result of this is the true tragedy. The Tree Gophers are rapidly consuming their primary food source, the mature Poplar leaves. Now they are being forced to eat the leaves of the younger trees. Although this does not cause them any physical ill, it does leave them feeling very depressed. To put it into perspective for you; imagine if you were accustomed to eating at the finest chain restaurants, then they started to run out of food and you were forced to eat at McDonald’s all the time. How would that make you feel? That’s how the Donnerson’s Gopher feels.
There is good news to report, however. We here at the A.F.F.E.A.I.R.A.N.C.R.E.F.T.O.B.I have conducted extensive research and have determined that this complex problem has a rather simple solution. The next time you’re walking through the woods; watching birds, having an afternoon tryst or just enjoying nature; keep an eye open for mature poplar trees. If you look up into the branches you will most likely see gophers laying about (normally they would be scampering, but they’re depressed). All you have to do is give the tree a vigorous shake and dislodge a few of them. Now I know it’s appalling when one animal kills another, but just remember it is nature’s way and in the long run it will greatly improve the morale of the Donnerson’s Poplar Tree Gopher.
Thank-you for taking the time to learn about the problems facing underprivileged Native Canadian Animals. Again we ask that you forward this letter to any one else you know of who might be willing and able to help out in this matter. Together we can make a difference.
Thank-you from A.F.F.E.A.I.R.A.N.C.R.E.F.T.O.B.I.
