Redneck Bar & Grill

As a lot of my personal fans may recall, a few years back I was writing an advice column for a newspaper.  Unfortunately I had to stop after Ann Landers sued me.  The lawsuit has now been settled, with a little help my Aunt Pauline’s Law Firm.  As part of the settlement I cannot go into details regarding the case, but I can say that I believe the real reason she sued me was due simply to jealousy.  Clearly I was giving out better advice.  Anywise, now that that’s all cleared up I am able to once again start dispensing my sage wisdom to anyone who finds him or her self at wits end and is desperate for a stranger to tell them what to do.

Dear Ernie:
     I’m getting really sick and tired of all this snow.  I’m seriously considering getting a flame thrower and melting all the snow in my neighbourhood.  Can you tell me where I can buy one?
                                                                                  Blue About the White In Red Deer
Dear Blue-Whitey,
     Napalm rarely solves any problems.  What I recommend you do is look around the internet and find some pictures of lush green grass and forests to download.  Then you print off enough of the pictures to cover all the windows in your home.  This way anytime you look outside you’ll see a warm summer day.  Just make sure you don’t leave the house until some time after the May long week-end.

Dear Ernie,
     I’ve been pretty depressed lately.  I decided to try that "positive thinking" crap that people are always going on about (even though I knew it wouldn’t work) and sure enough nothing changed.  What can you do to make me feel better?
                                                                                                 At Wit’s End in Calgary

Dear Wit-less,
     The main cause of depression is intelligence.  If you are smart it leads to unhappiness because you think that there is something better out there.  If you are not very bright, you don’t know what you’re missing and therefore you tend to be happy with your life.  So really, it’s dumb to be smart because that will only cause unhappiness.  Only dumb people are smart enough to be happy.

Alright folks if any of you out there in internet-land are being kept awake at night wondering if there really is a doG or if there’s a burning question you need an answer to, just write it in the comments section below and I will be happy to tell you what to do.

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