Redneck Bar & Grill

I’ve been taking my diploma online in futurology, and have finally got my degree. I will now begin dispensing really accurate horoscopes and advising people in vague and meaningless phrases. Prepare to be amazed every Monday as I unleash my awesome skills of writing stuff down and then getting it on this blog.

General Weekly Overview
Weather is definitely in the forecast. Expect to see a bird, or maybe even a dog this week. The sun will be in ascendance during the morning hours, but as each day progresses, watch for accumulating shadows. The stars tell me that something weird will happen to someone famous somewhere. Sorry, but I couldn’t seem to narrow that down any more, things got a little fuzzy.

ARIES (Mar21 to Apr20)
You seem unusually talkative this week, considering your recent tongue surgery. Try to cut back on the gab and stay away from foods with hot peppers or vinegar.

TAURUS (Apr21 to May21)
Things just seem to come your way this week. That includes the train after your car conks out in the middle of the tracks. Don’t let this little setback ruin your otherwise wonderful day.

GEMINI (May22 to June 21)
Be prepared for the unexpected, as a challenging friendship develops between you and your hostages. Remember to ask questions first and shoot later.

CANCER (June22 to July23)
Your tensions will ease when you find yourself alone with a well used stress buster squeeze toy. The tensions will all come flooding back if you don’t stop playing with it and put it back on your boss’ desk before he returns from that ‘meeting’ with the police  in the back of that cruiser.

LEO (July24 to Aug23)
Dealing with other people’s money can be fun, but be careful. You might not like the results if you place a large bet on Living Nightmare at the tracks, using stolen company funds. Instead, bet on Jolly Roger to place 2nd. I guarantee a win.

VIRGO (Aug24 to Sept23)
Pay attention to your partner. Take the time to really listen to what they are saying. If they are saying, "Get the f$%^ out, you bastard!" or You A**hole, I’m going to kill you……" then you should re-evaluate your relationship.

LIBRA (Sept24 to Oct23)
A trip could give you memories to treasure. You will never forget how you suffered at the hands of those guards and how they forced you into weight loss programs to prove your innocence. Remember to bring lots of traveler’s checks to buy your freedom.

SCORPIO (Oct24 to Nov22)
Take the lead in managing your finances. Don’t worry about those pesky warnings from your funds broker. Take the plunge and move all your money into stocks of Java John’s Coffee and
Potty Emporium. You can’t go wrong with the stars in your favor.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov23 to Dec21)
A crisis will arise at work, but you know what needs to be done. Now if you could just delete all of that porn before the new girl gets your old computer, everything will be just fine.

CAPRICORN (Dec22 to Jan20)
Don’t let a disagreement with a friend get out of control. Ask yourself, "Will this really help in the long run?" Then, put down the gun and offer to buy her a coffee. Ask her if she really needs to bring that knife. Smile.

AQUARIUS (Jan21 to Feb19)
Although it only seems like a minor annoyance at first, that email newsletter you subscibed to needs to be cancelled. You can only look at so many  Cute & Fluffy Things before you go nutty with a squirrel and a paintball gun at the park.

PISCES (Feb20 toMar20)
Challenges to the status quo pop up around you, but you manage to find a balance between freaking out and slipping into a deep dissatisfaction. Don’t worry, Battlestar Galactica will return with new episodes sooner or later, and something will eventually be just as good as The O.C.