Redneck Bar & Grill

Dear Ernie,
     I’m having some trouble with my daughter.  She never wants to eat what the rest of the family is.  I very often have to prepare something special just for her.  Do you have any recipes for quick easy to prepare food that a pre-teen girl would like?
                                                                                           Mac ‘n’ Cheese Mom in Airdrie
Dear Mac-Mommy,
     I don’t think new recipes are going to help in the long run.  Usually it’s best to raise your children right from birth without allowing them to form any opinions of their own whatsoever.  If your children are mindless zombies they won’t ever protest anything you do that is in their best interests.  When they turn eighteen, just kick them out of your house and let them get a job.  There are plenty of employers who also appreciate mindless zombie workers. 
     On the other hand if your children have already developed personalities of their own it’s much harder to tell them what to think.  Many parents start out let their children eat whatever they want at first, but then as appetites grow it becomes an increasing challenge to the point where they eventually say, "Take it or leave it! (you little snot weasels)"  The second part is usually under the breath.  When I was growing up, though, I didn’t have that much choice.  I was told simply, "Take it! (you little snot weasel)"  Some things never change.
     If these options just won’t work for you, then I suggest subtle deception.  For example prepare, from scratch,  a tasty baked macaroni and cheese, instead of that filthy K.D. crap.  Then just tell your child it’s K.D.  It never hurt any child to be lied to by his/her parents.

Dear Ernie,
     I am so desperately lonely.  I have no "friends" on my My Space page,   I have tried to add a dozen different total strangers as my "friends" but not one of them has responded.  If I just had even one person to add my life would feel like it was worthwhile.  If I add you, will you please be my "friend"?
                                                                         All Alone on My Space in Fort MacMurray

Dear My Space Loner,
     I suggest you get a cat or a dog or maybe even a hamster.

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