Environment Minister John Baird revealed the new, improved Federal plan to reduce greenhouse gas emissions at a press conference late Friday Afternoon.
"It has been pointed out that our original plan, although more than any other government in Canada has ever called for, is not sufficient. We got our heads together and came up with a new, foolproof plan to cut greenhouse gas emissions by 99%!"
The new report shocked the media with drastic details. In order to meet required targets, it was determined that all human activity in Canada would have to cease. All citizens would be given the option to either flee the country, or commit suicide honourably. A special ‘green’ Koolaid will be distributed to all those who pick the latter option.
All bodies will be gathered and sequestered deep underground, not only to trap the greenhouse gases and carbon they contain, but also to protect carnivorous animals, insects and all of nature. Human bodies contain heavy metals, caffeine and other drugs which could be harmful to the planet. A special mop up crew of trained foreign experts will take care of disposal and sequestering, then leave the vacant land to return to it’s natural state.
"This is the opportunity that green activists have been waiting for," stated Baird. "It’s the chance to put their words to the test. If they really want to save the Earth they will fully support our new plan. Of course, they will probably just claim that this is too little, too late."