Redneck Bar & Grill

Hi Ernie,
Maybe you could help me out. Say you were a spy, and you loved this other spy(of the opposite sex) but then you were stricken with amnesia for two entire years and brainwashed as an assassin, then suddenly you regained your memory but didn’t remember the assassin years and returned to your old life only to find out your old spy friend had married someone else and you had to work with the two of them but you hated to because you felt all dried up inside….. what would you do?
                                                                 Agent Orange in A Classified Location

Dear Classified Orange,
     First of all I have to wonder, if you don’t remember your "assassin years" how can you ask me a question about them?  I will just have to assume that some close personal friend has told you all about your other life.  To answer your question, there are a couple of different courses of action open to you.  The easiest would be to find a way to give yourself amnesia again.  That way you can go back to being an assassin and being happy again.  You could also arrange to have your friend’s spouse captured by a foreign government who would send him/her to an extremely harsh penal colony from which there is absolutely no chance of escape, like for example Rura Pente.  That way you could be there to comfort your friend, and in time his/her feelings would rekindle themselves (that sort of thing always works in the movies, so why not in real life).  The only other option I can think of is that whenever you are around your friend and his/her spouse, drink lots of water.

Dear Ernie,
     Where are my socks?
                                                                                 Desperate in Beaverlodge

Dear Desperate Beaver,
     They’re behind the couch.

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