As Tim mentioned the other day, we recently attended a "Weird Al" concert. Words can scarce begin to describe what an awesomely fantastic event this was. If I made up a new word (awetastic) it might come close. Before he even took the stage (and all through the concert, between songs) we were treated to clips from his assorted "Al-TV" specials. Al specializes in hard hitting interviews with other performers. These interviews never fail to shock; Eminem came out the closet during one, and during another, Al’s thought provoking questions left K-Fed speechless.
As for the music, I have been saying for years now that Elvis was all well and good for his time but "Weird Al" is the new King of, not just rock’n'roll, but all musical genres. The evening started with a polka and just kept getting better and better. He performed all the biggest hits off his most recent album, "Straight Outta Lynwood", culminating with him riding on a Segway on stage for "White & Nerdy". Naturally he played the hits from previous albums as well. He did the much loved Star Wars duo; "The Saga Begins" and "Yoda". And he could hardly play a concert without going all the way back to the one that really started it all, "Eat It".
I could wax poetic on the awetasticness for hours, however I will attempt to abridge my thoughts for the sake of those with ADD. The concert initially ended with a standing ovation and boisterous shouts of "encore" and "I love you" (I just couldn’t contain myself). Then Al and his band (Steve Jay, Jim West, Jon "Bermuda" Schwartz and Reuben Valtierra) came back out and played the smash hit that he co-wrote with Michael Stipe; "We All Have Cell Phones (So Come On Let’s Get Real)" followed by the longest song he has ever recorded (11:22), Albuquerque. This was made even longer for the live version by adding more varieties of doughnuts. The whole crowd went nuts during this song when Al said that he fulfilled his life long dream by getting a job at Tim Horton’s. After he finished up, he was given a second standing ovation.
After-wards I was so wired, Tim and I went over to The Redneck Bar & Grill and had some Blue Beavers until I stopped vibrating. A "Weird Al" concert is the only thing I have encountered that I can say is better than a Blue Beaver Beer.
It has been a tad bit warm in Canada. Temperatures on the prairies have been above 38 degrees celsius (100.5 F). That’s pretty hot considering winter ran from October to April, seven months of suck.
With the hot weather, the moose have been hit pretty hard. Moose get heat stress and need to cool off any way they can. An animal that large (up to 7 feet tall and 1500 lbs.) can really generate heat, and their regular body temperature is around 101F.
Since they don’t like crowds, the average moose won’t be seen at the beach. Still, they like to get in on the water sports wherever possible.This one found an unoccupied pool (or maybe kicked out the occupants!)
He looks pretty comfortable. Someone get him a Blue Beaver!
Not many people know it, however, it is in fact against the law in British Columbia to kill a Sasquatch. The only exception is for the Timber Wolves (for the full story on how that came about read this). Many humans have chosen to disbelieve the existence of the Sasquatch, and as a result they have never seen one (although they will try to tell you that they disbelieved only after not seeing one). Some of the more enlightened among us have chosen to expand our minds and be open to perceiving things that others do not. That is why some of us can see U.F.O.’s, Loch Ness Monsters, Blue Beavers and American Idol contestants with talent. Most people will never see these things because they don’t believe in them. It’s like Nicole always says, "I’ll see it when I believe it."
I would like to start off by apologizing for the lateness of my column. As Tim mentioned, "Weird Al" came around and also I was distracted by the lovely Latinas. Normally I try to plan for living musical/comedy legends and hot chicks; if I anticipate either I write the column ahead of time. This time, however, I was asked an exceptionally profound question which took me longer than usual to make up research an answer for; but I finally did. Incidentally, just in case it’s not obvious, the second question is the deeply…deep one.
Dear Ernie,
This morning I woke up and found myself in an existential quandary, filled with loathing and self-doubt. I was wracked with pain and isolation about my pitiful, meaningless existence. Why does this always happen to me?
Al in Buquerque
Dear Al-buquerque,
Well, according to the experts that I consulted, there are several different answers to your question. Larry Winget said, "Shut up, stop whining, and get a life." This may be a bit too soon for that kind of a wake up call. Homer Simpson indicated to me that he felt perhaps you are living inside your head too much and you really ought to feel free to cut loose and just have fun once in a while. His exact words were, "Why are you in a quarry? Eat a doughnut filled with cream and jelly and take an aspirin for the pain." Treebeard listened closely then took ten minutes to say, "Don’t…be…hasty…" As for myself I would say if you were working longer hours, you’d be too tired to ask such questions.
Dear Ernie,
How do I get to Tom Norton’s?
Craving Crack-Caffeine in Condor
Dear Caff-Head,
As I said, this question was just so deep and profound that, even though you stopped me on the street a week ago and asked me, I only just now have an answer for you. Thanks for your patience. Go straight east from here, then turn left on Kerry Wood Drive, go down the hill and take another left on to Taylor Drive. Follow that until you reach 67th St., turn left and go about three blocks. It’s there on your left, beside the Mohave Grill; you can’t miss it.
I’ve known Ernie for a long time. Other than his love for Blue Beaver Beer and cooking, he really gets stoked when Weird Al comes to Alberta. It has been quite a few years since the comic genius’ last visit, so we made sure to book tickets in advance and head on down to cowtown.
If you’ve never been to a Weird Al concert, you really don’t know what you are missing. He does a costume change between almost all of the songs, and there is always a couple pieces that I haven’t heard on an album. Of course, if you don’t like comedy and slapstick humour (Canadian spelling, just for you, RT!) , don’t bother going to a Weird Al Yankovic concert. You might as well find somewhere to be incredibly serious, alone, and maybe, in pain.
I had a great time. There was no reserved seating, so we got there early enough to get floor seats. All the seating on the floor was around tables. Three hot Spanish girls sat at the same table as us, and one of them kept yelling "I love you!" toward the stage. Later, Weird Al ended up coming over to our table and sitting on one of the girl’s laps during one song. Definitely the high point of the evening.
Later I found out my wife was a tad bit peeved about me sitting with a bunch of crazy university girls. Who woulda thunk it.
Strangely, there was no Blue Beaver Beer at the concession. The rest of the night was so great it almost didn’t matter.
If you look hard at this column, you will find it is unusual. It is highly logical but also odd. Try to spot what I am doing. It is a conundrum which will allow you to think in an unusual way. A woman might know this trick, so might a man; but not two or four or six. It may hurt your brain to think this way but if I show you a hint, you may start to find what is missing. Think about a popular tool in writing. It is almost vital in writing anything, but this column hasn’t got any of this thing in it. You cannot "mail" anything using you iMac or IBM without this. I also cannot gratify my thirst with my most popular drink without this missing symbol. I can’t slip any hints apart from what I just did; so just try to spot what is missing from this column.
Earlier this month Alberta Premier, Ed Stelmach was viciously attacked while helping out at a pancake breakfast in Calgary. A woman calmly approached him past his oblivious security forces and pulled out her weapon; a chocolate cream pie. Fortunately, she only grazed the Premier and was taken down before she could reload.
When Stelmach, appeared at another pancake breakfast in Edmonton yesterday, he left nothing to chance. He surrounded himself with with three layers of security. City police officers on bicycles, sheriffs in uniform and plainclothes security staff all kept a watchful eye on the civilians. Stelmach reportedly was also wearing a "wash-and-wear" type suit with Scotch-Guard.
Apparently, this is a slow time of year when it comes to attending the official duties of the Premiers office. Stelmach has little else better to do with his time than to tour Alberta flipping pancakes, shaking hands and kissing breakfast sausages.
Rumour has it that the terrorists are planning to use berry based pie in future attacks due to the greater stain damage that they can cause.
The other day I took advantage of the nice weather and went to the fair. I took a stroll around the grounds and checked out all of the wondrous sights. The vast selection of deep-fried, fatty, cholesterol and carbohydrate laden foods was astounding. My arteries hardened just from the smell alone. Then I went to see all of the games.
Of course there were the usual suspects; the ring toss, basket toss, baseball toss, beaver toss, shoot the star and pop the balloon. First I tried popping the balloons, but the darts weren’t sharp enough. Then (since it was right behind me) I tried shooting out the star, but I ran out of ammo while I still had one point showing. All of a sudden inspiration struck me. I paid for a refill of ammo but instead of shooting the star I turned around and shot the balloons. This worked out really well for me. The carny gave me the biggest stuffed animal they had and then told me I also won a free ride on a very special attraction; the "Police Car". It was great, they put the cuffs on me and put me in the back seat and then took me "downtown" and put me in a jail cell. It was incredibly realistic.
After I "made bail", I went back to the fair to see if there were any other rides I wanted to go on. After the Police Car ride, though, nothing really appealed to me. I was thinking about setting fire to one of the tents so that I might get to go on the Fire Truck ride, but something else caught my eye.
There was a reptile show going on. They had a 20′ long python, a large turtle, an assortment of alligators and one crocodile. They were really cool. There was a sign saying you could have your picture taken with a reptile for $10. I offered them $25 to let me put my head in the crocodile’s mouth, but they wouldn’t let me.
As I was leaving I saw a guy wearing a rather strange outfit. I went in for a closer look and it turned out he was a one man band. He had a guitar, harmonica, snare drum, bass drum, cymbal and a cowbell. He was pretty amazing and best of all he performed the "Spiderman" theme song. I was going to buy him a drink at the beer gardens, but they didn’t serve Blue Beaver Beer, so I had to go home.
Why is humor so dangerous?
Humor can interrupt the constant fear aura that surrounds each of us. According to experts, it has taken
years of television violence, news broadcasts and reports of Michael
Jackson to generate this natural state of fearful doom. Since we have
all put so much work into the project, it would be a disaster to
abandon the ship mid stream. We must continue to fear. We must be
afraid of insane cows, of asteroids hitting the earth, of SARS and tornadoes. No
matter what happens, we should walk around with a mask on, looking at
the sky and keeping one eye on the sidewalk to fend off bovine
depredations.
Everyone should buy firearms to protect
themselves. It would probably be a good idea to let your children pack
a gun, too. After all, the other kids have one, and you wouldn’t want little
johnny to be left out or feel defenseless. Of course, with the flu
striking down children, maybe you shouldn’t let them go to school
unless they are encased in a balloon. If you put a kid in a bubble
early enough in life, they can live happily in a cocoon of plastic that
keeps out all germs. It makes dating a lot safer for the parents, too.
No need to give them that pesky talk about condoms when both kids are
safely locked in their bubble.
Never ride a bike without a
helmet. I guess I would be afraid of turning out like all of us adults.
Admittedly, all of those whacks on the head where we constantly fell
down and smashed our brains out addled us a little. I don’t know how we
lived, smashing our heads into the ground like that on a daily basis.
Don’t ski without your brain bucket either. At least when you break
your neck, your head will be safe. Always wear a helmet when you eat
beef, too. You can never be too sure. Most people don’t know what
might happen if you run across mad cow disease, but trust me, you would
be better off if you had a helmet on when it hits.
We must worry
about the future. The universe has given us no reason to trust it. The
sun may not rise tomorrow. The ozone layer will evaporate because of
the hot air from the politicians. Climate changes have made the Spotted
Saskatchewan Seal extinct. If you don’t believe me, go look for one in
Saskatoon. I promise you won’t find one.
The economy is going to
crash. Our life signs have been mystically tied to the stock market
indexes by government hired witch doctors at the last full moon, and if
they dip too low our hearts will quit, unless we are wearing our
helmets. You must buy into funds, then worry
about how they are doing. You aren’t really living unless you are
constantly in fear of losing your life savings to a downturn. The
constant tension keeps your arteries clean.
Life insurance is a
must. If you don’t have it, and you die, they won’t give you a new
life. I think the best way to enjoy your time here on earth is to be
afraid all day, especially of death. How else will insurance agents
make a living? It’s all about helping out your fellow man. And for your
car, I think at least a billion dollars of liability insurance is wise.
What if somehow you were driving while looking at the sky for
asteroids, and your germ mask rode up on your face too high, covering
one eye. At that moment you swerve to miss the mad cow that escaped the
authorities and is running up the street. You might drive right into
the shopping mall and then crash through store after store with your
car, causing millions of dollars of damage as you fail to apply the
brakes. If you have enough insurance, everything will be okay.
Hopefully that day you will have remembered to wear your helmet.
As my frequent readers are aware, my Aunt Polly is a big time lawyer who runs her own law firm. She has inspired me to do a little research into some of the lesser known laws of Canada. Since I got these laws from one page on the internet and I have made no effort to confirm them through any other means, I can only assume that they are 100% true and accurate.
One that I came across recently just happens to be something that a friend of mine told me about many years ago. The law in Alberta is; if you are released from prison, it is required that they give you a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town. This seems like it would be especially good in modern times. I suspect that not very many of our released criminals are very skilled horse riders. So put them on top of a horse as soon as they get out, slap it on the butt and watch the fun (note that the law doesn’t say anything about a saddle or bridle). The released criminal would probably fall pretty soon after take off. He might just hit his head hard enough to cause a change in his personality (it happens all the time on t.v.). Even if it didn’t, it would probably be such a harrowing experience that he would never want to go to prison again for fear of having to ride a horse upon his release.
On the other hand, for the very few prisoners who were skilled riders, the law also does not say that the bullets have to fit the gun, nor does the gun actually have to work. So if he tries to use the gun to commit another crime it could misfire, the bullet might lodge in his brain and instead of being killed it could cause a personality change (again I’ve seen it on t.v., so it must be possible) and he would stop being a criminal.
And if some stranger came into town on horseback, you would automatically know he would be either a released prisoner or a cowboy. Either way the police could prevent that kind of scum from entering the town and they would have to go get a job, along with the other dregs of society, with a rodeo.
