Redneck Bar & Grill

With Canada Day and July the Fourth over for another year, most people will forget about fireworks displays and forge ahead with their lives, content to go without fountains of sparks, crackling stars, airbursts, dancing ‘fish’ and sky rockets with little parachutes and flags in them. Sure maybe some of you will be lucky enough to see some action on New Years Eve. Don’t get distracted, I’m still talking fireworks here. Keep your mind out of the gutter will yah?
It doesn’t have to be this way. There can be other times that a good pyrotechnics display would be appropriate, so read the list and think about it. But remember, if you go and get yourself arrested or if a lot of people think you are an idiot, you didn’t read this here. I take no responsibility for encouraging you to do anything illegal, dangerous or foolhardy. Just call me so I can bring the camcorder!

Getting a new job, promotion or raise
Doesn’t this sound like a good excuse for a little celebration? Just go down to the ole company parking lot and let a few rip! Then light some fireworks. If the parking is underground, then you are really in for a show. Just remove your car first.

Getting Fired
Sometimes, you just gotta go with the flow. Isn’t it a big relief to be free of that nasty job and all those loser co-workers? Just resist the urge to shoot the fireworks at the boss and those loser ex-co-workers. Here again, underground parking could really spice things up a little.

A New Baby
Just don’t use the fireworks near the baby, or you will probably hear crying.

Birthdays
Forget those lame little candles. Shoot off a good rocket for every year old. Grandma will be so impressed. Don’t try to blow out a roman candle, however. Things could go astray.

Weddings
Rice throwing is so outdated. Try lighting cherry bombs or something. Get permission to blast off a few beforehand so there aren’t any surprises on their ’special day’. Remember, Dresses are very flammable, so keep your distance from the Bride and Bridesmaids if you light any fireworks at a wedding.

Whenever You Win Something
When the candidate you voted for gets into office. When your team pulls it off. When you finally beat Final Fantasy XVI. Good time to light up the sky.
What we like to do at times like these in our little hick town, is get a truck, load it full of fireworks and alcohol, and drive around with one guy in the back just shootin’ em’ off. The guys in the cab yell and cheer and drink moonshine. You can hear a banjo playing in the background as the truck swerves wildly down the road. Yee hah!
Not really, but you gotta admit that would be kinda fun to watch, especially when the cops got there. Spinning red and blue lights are almost as good as fireworks.

Now don’t go out and do anything illegal, dangerous or foolhardy, kids. Unless you already have a  video camera ready so we can all see it. Seriously though, please film it. I mean, stay out of trouble and lead a safe, boring life.

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