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Humor is a Threat to Modern Life. Embace Fear!

24.07.07 # 5:08 # Current Affairs # No Comment

Why is humor so dangerous?
Humor can interrupt the constant fear aura that surrounds each of us. According to experts, it has taken
years of television violence, news broadcasts and reports of Michael
Jackson to generate this natural state of fearful doom. Since we have
all put so much work into the project, it would be a disaster to
abandon the ship mid stream. We must continue to fear. We must be
afraid of insane cows, of asteroids hitting the earth, of SARS and tornadoes. No
matter what happens, we should walk around with a mask on, looking at
the sky and keeping one eye on the sidewalk to fend off bovine
depredations.
Everyone should buy firearms to protect
themselves. It would probably be a good idea to let your children pack
a gun, too. After all, the other kids have one, and you wouldn’t want little
johnny to be left out or feel defenseless. Of course, with the flu
striking down children, maybe you shouldn’t let them go to school
unless they are encased in a balloon. If you put a kid in a bubble
early enough in life, they can live happily in a cocoon of plastic that
keeps out all germs. It makes dating a lot safer for the parents, too.
No need to give them that pesky talk about condoms when both kids are
safely locked in their bubble.
Never ride a bike without a
helmet. I guess I would be afraid of turning out like all of us adults.
Admittedly, all of those whacks on the head where we constantly fell
down and smashed our brains out addled us a little. I don’t know how we
lived, smashing our heads into the ground like that on a daily basis.
Don’t ski without your brain bucket either. At least when you break
your neck, your head will be safe. Always wear a helmet when you eat
beef, too. You can never be too sure. Most people don’t know what
might happen if you run across mad cow disease, but trust me, you would
be better off if you had a helmet on when it hits.
We must worry
about the future. The universe has given us no reason to trust it. The
sun may not rise tomorrow. The ozone layer will evaporate because of
the hot air from the politicians. Climate changes have made the Spotted
Saskatchewan Seal extinct. If you don’t believe me, go look for one in
Saskatoon. I promise you won’t find one.
The economy is going to
crash. Our life signs have been mystically tied to the stock market
indexes by government hired witch doctors at the last full moon, and if
they dip too low our hearts will quit, unless we are wearing our
helmets. You must buy into funds, then worry
about how they are doing. You aren’t really living unless you are
constantly in fear of losing your life savings to a downturn. The
constant tension keeps your arteries clean.
Life insurance is a
must. If you don’t have it, and you die, they won’t give you a new
life. I think the best way to enjoy your time here on earth is to be
afraid all day, especially of death. How else will insurance agents
make a living? It’s all about helping out your fellow man. And for your
car, I think at least a billion dollars of liability insurance is wise.
What if somehow you were driving while looking at the sky for
asteroids, and your germ mask rode up on your face too high, covering
one eye. At that moment you swerve to miss the mad cow that escaped the
authorities and is running up the street. You might drive right into
the shopping mall and then crash through store after store with your
car, causing millions of dollars of damage as you fail to apply the
brakes. If you have enough insurance, everything will be okay.
Hopefully that day you will have remembered to wear your helmet.