Redneck Bar & Grill

I would like to start off by apologizing for the lateness of my column.  As Tim mentioned, "Weird Al" came around and also I was distracted by the lovely Latinas.  Normally I try to plan for living musical/comedy legends and hot chicks; if I anticipate either I write the column ahead of time.  This time, however, I was asked an exceptionally profound question which took me longer than usual to make up research an answer for; but I finally did.  Incidentally, just in case it’s not obvious, the second question is the deeply…deep one.

Dear Ernie,
     This morning I woke up and found myself in an existential quandary, filled with loathing and self-doubt.  I was wracked with pain and isolation about my pitiful, meaningless existence.  Why does this always happen to me?
                                                  Al in Buquerque

Dear Al-buquerque,
     Well, according to the experts that I consulted, there are several different answers to your question.  Larry Winget said, "Shut up, stop whining, and get a life."  This may be a bit too soon for that kind of a wake up call.  Homer Simpson indicated to me that he felt perhaps you are living inside your head too much and you  really ought to feel free to cut loose and just have fun once in a while.  His exact words were, "Why are you in a quarry?  Eat a doughnut filled with cream and jelly and take an aspirin for the pain."  Treebeard listened closely then took ten  minutes to say, "Don’t…be…hasty…"  As for myself I would say if you were working longer hours, you’d be too tired to ask such questions.

Dear Ernie,
     How do I get to Tom Norton’s?
                                           Craving Crack-Caffeine in Condor

Dear Caff-Head,
     As I said, this question was just so deep and profound that, even though you stopped me on the street a week ago and asked me, I only just now have an answer for you.  Thanks for your patience.  Go straight east from here, then turn left on Kerry Wood Drive, go down the hill and take another left on to Taylor Drive.  Follow that until you reach 67th St., turn left and go about three blocks.  It’s there on your left, beside the Mohave Grill; you can’t miss it.