Jumping Around the Horseguard Valley

Dear Ernie,
     I’m planning a trip to the Horseguard Valley in June, 2008. What is the weather going to be like on the 15th of June, so I know what to pack? Thanks for your wise answer.
                                      Dan the Long-Term Planner

Dear Dan With the Plan,
     I have consulted with Old Man Karhoffer, and I did extensive studies of the migratory patterns of the Blue Beaver.  I also researched weather patterns in the Horseguard Valley for the past 500 years.  Naturally, when it comes to predicting weather there is a certain margin of error.  However, I can say with 98% accuracy that on the 15th of June, 2008 there will be a 30% chance of thunderstorms in the early afternoon. Expected high will be 24C; overnight low will be 3C with a risk of frost.  There will be a moderate high pressure system moving into the valley, which will cause strong winds.  The UV index will be 6 or high, so be sure to wear sunscreen.

Dear Ernie,
     If everyone in the world jumped up at exactly the same time would it cause a shift in the Earth’s axis?
                                    Jumper in New Zealand

Dear Kiwi Jumper,
     This is a complex question that involves a lot of physics.  First, for the sake of argument we will disregard how incredibly difficult it would be to pull off this experiment.  Secondly, you have to keep in mind Newtons Third Law of Motion; "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction."  Now if everyone jumped up, it would cause a force pushing down on the Earth well as up against the atmosphere.  Then when they landed it would cause an equal force pushing down.  Therefore the two forces would cancel each other out and there would be no noticeable effect.  Now if you were to gather the world’s entire population on one half of the Earth and repeat the experiment, the results would be different.  Also, if you could jump in the air and then stay suspended, Matrix style, this could cause a shift in the axis.

August 31, 2007 | | No Comments »

Single File: It’s Just Common Courtesy

In the town of Yarmouth, Nova Scotia in 1923, a bylaw was passed to regulate pedestrian traffic.  It required people on foot to pass oncoming pedestrians on the right, just like vehicular traffic.  If you were walking side by side with a friend, you were required to move into single-file formation when meeting oncoming pedestrians.  It was also illegal to wheel two or more baby carriages side by side on any sidewalk.

To me, this seems like a very excellent idea.  In the city where I live, I enjoy riding my bicycle all around the bike paths.  I am a very courteous biker.  If I meet pedestrians walking side by side I will always swerve off onto the grass and go around them.  This one occasion, however, I was crossing a bridge over the Red Deer River.  This particular bridge has a regular sized sidewalk over it, but it has barricades on either side.  One to keep you from falling into the river and the other to keep you out of the path of oncoming traffic.  As I was riding along, there were two women pushing baby carriages, side by side, coming towards me.  I just assumed that they would extend me the common courtesy of moving out of my way and allowing me to pass.  Was I ever mistaken.  They didn’t even acknowledge my presence.  They just kept walking side by side.  I went as far to my left as I could which resulted in my peddle scraping on the concrete barricade (which is only about knee high when I am on my bike) and then I lost my balance and nearly fell over the barricade into the oncoming traffic.  These two women just kept pushing their giant SUV baby carriages and waddling their fat asses side by side without so much as a pause in their conversation.  It was such an ignorant thing to do.  There ought to be a law.

August 30, 2007 | | No Comments »

How To Be Cool Tip #32: Upgrade Your Vocabulary & Fix Your Spelling

“i Jane. Me want friends. u bee my friend?” :-) thanxs, grrl!!$%^&”

You probably already know Ernie’s view on emoticons from Can You Emote? While emoticons don’t really bother me, consistent bad spelling and mistakes like using a small i to mean yourself aren’t cool. You should want more for yourself than to be thought of as a lame-o who didn’t make it past grade three. Every other word being a swear word is no good either. Some people may think they are being cool using all those swear words, small ‘i’ s and ‘grrl’s. A few are okay, for emphasis. My personal favorite is WTF, since this is like having potty mouth without actually daring to use the naughty words.
I am by no means perfect. Why, just a few days ago my own spelling mistake was pointed out (Eye Bean Spelling Right Rong). Nevertheless, I will try and help you become more cool using words like ‘perpetual’ and ‘tantalize’.
For instance, whenever you want to say something like “F##k you, you f##king f##ker!”, just take a deep breath and say, “I am perpetually upset with you, God bless your tiny shriveled soul. Thoughts of your demise tantalize my every waking breath.”
A major no-no is quoting movie lines from way back. If all your clever lines are from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, you need an upgrade. Ditch the “luh-hoo-zah-her”, and never make A$$hole-eeo talk for your co workers (notice how I sneakily used the naughty word without actually using it?) . Try some new material. Study up on Jack Black. Better yet, come up with your own cool stuff. For instance, Scott Adams at The Dilbert Blog likes to invent cuss phrases, such as “Christ on a cracker” and “F##k me with a saw!”

But ditch the Boi or Grrl talk. That’s so 4 yrs ago.
Anyways, ROTFC, PGH. I fell down while I was :-0>B and I can’t get up! Someone pass me a beer down here, will yah?

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Lesbie Friends

Two quick lesbian jokes for you.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says he’d like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender says “Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She’s a lesbian”. The guy takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says “That’s ok. I’d like to buy her a drink anyway.”

So the bartender brings the woman her drink. The woman lifts her glass and gives the man a nod of thanks. The guy gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he’s sitting down on the stool next to her he says “So, what part of Lesbia are you from?”

*******

A cowboy walks into the Redneck Bar and Grill and sits down at the bar next to a beautiful girl. He orders a beer and tries to strike up a conversation with her.

She shuts him down right away. “Don’t bother, Tex. I’m a lesbian. Go hit on someone else.”

“What’s a lesbian?” the cowboy asks in confusion as he takes a swig out of his beer.

“I’m only interested in women, so men don’t have a chance with me,” she replies as she gets up and leaves.

A while later, the bartender notices the cowboy sitting there with his shoulders hunched up and his face sad. “What’s wrong, buddy?” He asks.

“I just found out, I’m a lesbian,” He says as he looks at the empty Blue Beaver Beer in front of him.

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