Redneck Bar & Grill

Dear Ernie,
     I am deathly afraid of getting skin cancer.  Everyday I watch the weather channel to see what the daily U.V. index is.  Then I cover my entire body with SPF 2000 sunscreen and put on a radiation suit before I leave my house.  But just recently I discovered a freckle on my arm.  I am absolutely certain that it’s skin cancer.  Now I don’t want to leave my house to go to the doctor to have it looked at.  Do you have any advice at all for me?
                                        Afraid of the Sunshine in Drayton Valley

Dear ‘Fraidy Sun,
     It’s interesting should you just happen to ask me about this now. I was just reading an article in the newspaper about some experiments done on rats.  The scientists gave the rats some coffee and then let them run on their wheels.  After that the scientists suddenly decided to see what would happen if they exposed the rats to U.V. radiation.  The results were astounding.  Apparently the combination of caffeine and exercise increased the rats natural immunity by something like 500%.  Now of course these scientists are saying that it is too soon in their research to draw any conclusions regarding humans, but I disagree.  I think we should all just throw away our sunscreen right now.  All you have to do is jog down to the nearest Tom Nortons and get yourself an extra large quadruple-quadruple and then you will be granted total immunity to the harmful effects of the suns rays.

Dear Ernie,
     Should I wear my red blouse with my black mini-skirt or should I wear my dark blue dress when I go out tonight?
                                        Fashion Conscious in West Park

Dear Fashion Victim,
     Wear the dress.  That blouse doesn’t flatter your figure.

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