Ladies and gentlemen! Step right up and ride the Spine Bender! This ride will turn you inside out and upside down, whip you forth and back, make you woof your cookies and liquefy your spleen! Fun for almost all ages! You must be at least 4 feet tall, or this ride will snap you in half like a twig of some easily snappable wood!
What’s that? No, there are no side effects to the Spine Bender. Good, clean fun! Get your ligaments and tendons stretched to the point of no return! Have your brain sloshed about like pickles in a jar!
Here, sign this release form and you can get in line. That’s right, we accept no responsibility of anything, anywhere happening to anybody, anyhow, so sign here and you can enter this completely reliable contraption. Yes, I know the carnie running this machine looks like he hasn’t stopped drinking since last night. Don’t worry, carnies are all professionals, and they all passed our stringent requirements. They can all bark out words rudely at passing uninterested parties, and they can all survive without a shower, or sleep, or nutritious food, for weeks on end! They have no trouble maintaining complicated machinery, and they grease it at least once a month, so put your trust in these professionals.
After you get off the Spine Bender, if you are still able to walk, make sure to check out the Spindler and the Cement Mixer. Make sure to keep your head and arms inside the ride at all times! Decapitations are rare, but it doesn’t hurt to be careful.
