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Comment RSSYour Groundhog Is In My Peanut Butter
7.09.07 # 9:29 # Ask Ernie # One CommentDear Ernie,
I know it’s not a beaver, but a groundhog has eaten my pumpkin vines. How can I encourage him to go away?
Gerri the Absolutely Truthful
Dear Absolut Gerri,
If you had a beaver eating your pumpkin vines, then you have have some very serious problems. Fortunately, a groundhog is a bit easier to deal with. I consulted a few experts on the matter.
Old Man Karhoffer suggested dynamite, although I think that should be considered a last resort.
I also spoke to Carl Spackler, whom you may recall had a rodent problem in the movie "Caddyshack". He said, "To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They’re like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote."
Personally I would recommend leaving out a large basin of beer for them to drink. You should definitely select a cheap brand like Old Millpond or Scrokanee; if you put out Blue Beaver Beer they’ll just keep coming back for more. After the groundhogs have become inebriated to the point of passing out, you can easily relocate them to another garden down the road somewhere.
There is one other alternative open to you; Mike, over at Gardens Alive, has some tips on this very subject.
Dear Ernie,
If people say it’s the best thing since sliced bread, what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Wondering About Bread in Manitou Lake
Dear Wonder-Bread,
Well, quite obviously, before sliced bread we had unsliced bread. Back then people always said that stuff was "the best thing since bread" because before that people would just eat a bowlful of flour, water and yeast with some peanut butter and jelly mixed in. Then they figured out how to make bread and it became "the best thing". The only problem was cutting the loaf evenly. One slice would start out at the perfect thickness at the top then by the bottom it would taper off into nothing. The next slice would be fairly even except that it was two inches thick. Then when they invented the automatic slicing machine, sliced bread became "the best thing". I predict that next we will have peanut butter and jam sandwiches that come in a capsule form. You chew it up and it tastes exactly the same plus it has all of the same nutrients as the real thing. Then everyone will say, "That’s the best thing since the peanut butter and jam sandwich capsule".
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Thanks for the tips! While I’m not open to murder, I will have to give some thought as to how I can make my yard not as pleasant for him. It’s too late this year, the pumpkins are gone, but I can get a head start on next year!
I actually have a Hav-A-Hart trap cage thing, and I’m really sad to learn that if you relocate them they don’t survive. I don’t want him dead.. it’s more like.. Don’t go away mad, just go aaway!
Thanks for your help!