Redneck Bar & Grill

Dear Ernie,
     Can you tell me why Apache Oil, Canada has sold out to the white man?
                            Harold Dell in Evergreen

Dear For Whom The Dell Tolls,
     First of all we need a brief history of Apache Oil (for those of you who are new to this).  Everyone has heard of the Apache Indians Native Americans; however few people know that they were the only tribe who ever had the foresight to retain the oil and mineral rights of their lands.  It seems that around the time the tribe was originally negotiating with the white man for their land, the old chief, J’hed Loping Hare, was out shooting at some deer for food.  He missed the deer but where the arrow struck the ground, oil started bubbling up.  The chiefs relatives advised him to sell the land for a large sum of money and then move them all to a more prosperous area of the country, somewhere in the hills that is.  Fortunately the tribe had their own legal councilor, Two-Faced-Forked-Tongue-Weasel, who had attended white mans school and so was able to retain rights to the oil on the land.
     Fast forward something like 20 or 30 years later, to 2007 and things have changed drastically.  Living in the hills area has caused the Apache Oil Tribe to lose sight of what their ancestors did for them.  Add to this a few bad investments (Bre-X and Enron) and they have very little money left.  When the white man came along again and made them an offer for the oil rights, the current chief, Walks-Like-A-Duck, felt he had no choice but to sell out.  Ironically, it was a descendant of Two-Faced-Forked-Tongue-Weasel who brokered the deal for the white man.

Dear Ernie,
     If I start paying the stalker, do you think I can use it as a write off for work?
                              Sign girl in Rocky Mountain House

Dear Signage Girl,
     This would involve a few legal loopholes.  First of all, if you have a restraining order in place, it would be considered a "conflict of interests" to employ him in any way.  The other side of the coin is, you can’t write off the cost of his services if revenue Canada sees that you are opposed to his presence.  You might be able to get away with both for a while, but eventually The Tax Man will discover the truth.  Then you will have bigger problems than a mere stalker.
     Now, if you were to drop the restraining order and employ your stalker you would have to define what exactly he is doing for your business.  As I mentioned last week, you could tell all your customers that you are scared to work at night because of him.  This would qualify the position as some sort of a motivational stalker.  His presence encourages you to work more quickly and efficiently to meet your deadlines.  Of course that would mean that on the day of the winter solstice you would have to make a sign in a little under 7.5 hours, whereas on the day of the summer solstice you’ll have to work just about 17 hours.  This is something to take into consideration.
     On a personal note, if I was a stalker I think it would really take all the fun out of it if I was being paid to be around the object of my obsession.  But that’s just me.