Redneck Bar & Grill

Dear Ernie,
     I’ve been pretty depressed lately.  I decided to try that "positive thinking" crap that people are always going on about (even though I knew it wouldn’t work) and sure enough nothing changed.  What can you do to make me feel better?
                                                                                                 At Wit’s End in Calgary

Dear Wit-less,
     The main cause of depression is intelligence.  If you are smart it leads to unhappiness because you think that there is something better out there.  If you are not very bright, you don’t know what you’re missing and therefore you tend to be happy with your life.  So really, it’s dumb to be smart because that will only cause unhappiness.  Only dumb people are smart enough to be happy.

Dear Ernie,
     I have had a great burden weighing on my mind of late.  I am facing a major life changing decision.  I am on the horns of a major bull of a dilemma.  I feel like the sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.  I have taken a great deal of time to examine my current situation from every angle imaginable.  I have mapped out every possible outcome that I can see; yet I still don’t know what to do.  I am seriously beginning to believe that it would be better if someone else would just tell me what I should do.  If I didn’t have to think about the problem any longer, I could move on with my life and just deal with whatever consequences come my way. 

The only trouble with that idea is, who do I trust to make this decision on my behalf.  As I said this is a major life altering change for me.  Therefore I can’t have just any fool walking in off the street and telling me what to do.  I need to find someone who has spent a lot of time helping other people solve their problems.  Someone who is both well educated and highly intelligent.  Preferably, he or she should be able to think outside the box and look beyond traditional paradigms.  If this person could come up with a radical answer, one that I haven’t even considered myself, I feel that would be truly the best option for me at this point.  Unfortunately, there is no one in my life right now who matches that description.  So, that leaves me with another completely different problem.  I have to figure out where I can find the right person to make my life decisions for me.
                                             Facing A Conundrum in Revelstoke

Dear Humdrum Face,
     Did you have a question?

Alright folks if any of you out there in internet-land are being kept awake at night wondering if there really is a doG or if there’s a burning question you need an answer to, just write it in the comments section below and I will be happy to tell you what to do.

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