Fans of Junk

Dear Ernie,

     What you gon’ do with all that junk; all that junk inside your trunk?  

                  Patty with the Black Eye in Los Angeles

Dear Black-eyed P,

     Well, I do have rather a lot of junk inside my trunk right at the moment. In fact I have been feeling lately like there is too much. Some might argue that the more junk in your trunk the better; however I definitely feel that there is a limit. Of course every individual will have to decide for him of herself exactly how much is enough and how much is too much.

But to answer your question; I intend to keep some of the junk inside my trunk. But I am currently looking for a way to lose the junk that I do not wish to hang on to. Maybe if I go for a run down to the junk yard, check to see if they have any room for my excess junk, then run back home; maybe by that time some of my will just sort of disappear if I leave it just sort of hanging out.

Dear Ernie,

It sure seems like you have have an answer for any question imaginable. Even ones that seem like they should have a really short simple answer, you always go well below the surface to come up with a complex and enlightening answer. I must say I am quite astounded. I suspect that you could, as the scholars say, “wax poetic” about any subject. You just go on and on, but in a good way. Tell me, is there any end to your wit and wisdom?

                                      A Fan in Boise

Dear Fan-Boi,

     No.

November 30, 2007 | Ernie | 14 Comments »

Red Deer Band Blows Us Away

As part of the Grand Opening celebration down at the bar, I was able to book a local, Red Deer, band called White Noise. This trio of musical geniuses are really revolutionizing music. Their biggest hit so far, “No Feedback” is an incredibly complex work. They just turn on amplifier and crank it all the way up (to 11), and then leave it completely alone for a full 3 minutes. Nothing but that slight humming sound, brilliant. Then for the headbangers they do, “Off The Air”. They turn on a t.v. that has no antenna hooked up to it for 2 minutes and 11 seconds. My personal favourite is, “Tock”. Their use of a metronome at it’s very slowest setting for a mind boggling 6 minutes and 1 second is like poetry brought to some sort of quasi-life.

White Noisehasn’t put any of their music on iTunes yet. You can probably illegally download it from some file sharing site, but that would be wrong. It’s best to hear them live anyway. Next time you’re in Red Deer, see if they’re playing any of the clubs; you won’t be disappointed.

November 29, 2007 | Ernie | Tags: | 6 Comments »

How To Be Cool Tip # 43: Give Before You Ask, Promote Others Before Yourself

We all want to get ahead. We all want more traffic, more comments, more backlinks, more online friends. How can we attract these desirable outcomes? There are a lot of methods and techniques you can use to go after your fame, or whatever you are trying to achieve with your online ventures. I’m going to put my effort into helping others reach their goals, and I’ll tell you why. This is going to be aimed at things you can do on BloggingZoom, and other social networks, but it applies to ‘normal’ life in some ways too. Keep in mind that online you really need to learn SEO as well.

Let’s examine the case of a person who finds BZ and thinks “What a great idea! I’m going to join up and get busy submitting my articles. Finally, a joint that doesn’t penalize me for putting in my own work.” Now, with several articles submitted, this new member is barely making any progress at all. “I don’t get it,” they cry out. “I thought this place was going to help me get more exposure.” As they look at how well other people’s posts are doing, they become enraged, grab a high powered rifle and climb the nearest watertower.

It doesn’t have to be this way. First of all, sitting on a tower can be pretty lonely and cold. And, second, there are things you can do to ensure your success. If you are too busy planning your shooting spree, I’ll leave you to it, but otherwise, lets crack a Blue Beaver Beer and come up with a more reasonable course of action.

You have to give before you can get! If I, or many other BZ users, see five of your articles all submitted at  nearly the same time, and I know darn well you haven’t bothered to read anyone else’ work, I probably won’t read yours and I won’t make you my friend.

It’s that simple.  Your profile will show what you have been up to, so don’t think you can hide it. It doesn’t matter how good your articles are if other people can tell you are being self serving.

On the other hand, if I am looking at various entries, and I notice that not only has a particular user zoomed these articles, but also commented on them and commented on the respective article’s blog, I am going to be predisposed to like that person by association. If I see their name on an entry, I’ll probably read it even if it’s not in my main interest area. I will try to like it. I will try to comment when I have to struggle for something to say. I will probably zoom it.

Another area that needs emphasizing is comments placed on a blog. It costs nothing, and takes such a small amount of time. All of you know how good it feels to know that someone out there is paying attention. There are times when a new blogger is wondering if it’s worth it, maybe ready to throw in the towel. Well, you need that new blogger. You need that person to read your articles! You can’t afford to let them quit. I know that most of you produce how-to and other helpful posts, to show others what you know. I love these articles, and all those new to blogging can really use your help.

And all you veteran bloggers with the scars to prove it, I know you appreciate the comments too. If you like your commentors, reply to them! If I go to a blog and I feel like maybe the writer doesn’t even read the comments, I will only leave a couple before I give up. If my comments get answered, I know that there is a two way street there. It isn’t all about them.

So there you have it. Share your toys, help others, play nice, and you too can get ahead in this world. And stay away from water towers. You never know who might be up there.

| Tim Ebl | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

What’s The Difference Between A Cow And A Coyote?

Recently, in Colfax Township, Michigan; a man shot a killed a neighbour cow. He was hunting coyotes at the time. Authorities and the cow’s owner are skeptical as to how he could have mistaken the two animals. The county prosecutor is being urged to press charges due to the fact that hunting coyotes is illegal during deer season and hunting cows is illegal all the time. The owner of the cow feels that the man needs some sort of therapy that involves repeatedly looking at pictures of cows and coyotes so that he will be able to tell the difference in the future.

I know growing up on a farm it was sure easy to mistake the two creatures. This one time during calving season, I made a really big mistake. This one cow appeared to be having some trouble so I reached in there and helped pull the calf (which is not all that unusual). Then I put the cow and her calf in the barn for the night. The next morning my father asked me why the hell there was a mother coyote and her pup in the stall beside Bessie.

November 28, 2007 | Ernie | 5 Comments »

What Are The Chinese Up To?

A little while back our beer buddy, Gerri, over at http://www.absolutelytrue.com/ broke a rather disturbing news story. It seems that the Chinese have decided to make hair ties out of used condoms. That right, I said used condoms. Now, personally I haven’t needed to use a hair tie since I shaved off my pony-hawk back in ‘99. However, if I still was using them I would be pretty damn revolted if I found out it was made from a used condom. If you read the whole story, Another Product From China That You Do Not Want, you will  learn that there is some risk of catching an STD from these things.At the end of the post Gerri poses this question, “So are they (the Chinese people) stupid by manufacturing everything with lead and STD’s .. or do they just not give a sh*t?”I got to thinking about that question and I started to wonder just what the hell was going on over there. After much Blue Beaver Beer followed by wild imaginings of complex conspiracies I came to an inescapable conclusion; the Chinese are trying to kill us!

Think about it. They’re making toys with lead paint, hairs ties from used, disease ridden condoms and I recall reading something about a bun made out of cardboard. Clearly they have realized that Communism isn’t working out the way the hoped, and their takeover of the world with computers and trucks is moving too slowly, so they have decided to try and poison the “Western Capitalist Pigs”.

November 27, 2007 | Ernie | 1 Comment »

Redneck, and Proud Of It!

I know that right now, there are those among you thousands of eager readers that are deeply concerned for us. You might be asking yourself, ” Why did these two nice boys label themselves Rednecks? I simply detest redneckish behavior. Do they really want to marry their cousin and live in a house trailer, eating fish sticks and drinking beer with their Grandma?”

If you are talking to yourself, you should really have that looked into.

Common stereotypes are pretty rough on us rednecks. “If’n you were on the local news after the tornado ripped yer house right off it’s wheels, you might be a redneck!” Some city folk figure we’re like some sort of different species that are unable to climb high enough up the evolutionary ladder to reach the decent human being rung.

I wanted to come up with something clever to refute these claims, so I immediately turned to Wikipedia. As we all know, Wikipedia is definitely the ultimate, infallible authority on everything. It wouldn’t be on the intranets if it wasn’t 100% true! As usual, I wasn’t disappointed. I even found a blurb about Alberta, our stompin’ grounds:

Alberta and Saskatchewan are sometimes said to be the home of rednecks in Canada, due to its similarities to Texas (oil, farming, and ranching). Like rural people elsewhere, some Canadians continue to see this as a highly offensive term while others have claimed it and proudly describe themselves as rednecks. This difference often arises because the former consider the term to connote racist beliefs while the latter believe it implies traditional rural values (e.g. work ethic, honesty, self-reliance, simplicity).

Now we’re down to the crux of the matter. Work ethic, honesty, self reliance, simplicity.

And, of course, beer gift baskets. And high speed internet. But I don’t really like fish sticks, and Grandma only drinks Red wine on special occasions.

I will admit to being a high-tech redneck, but I never once dated my cousins. I just never found Brian or Randy that attractive.

I never lived in a house trailer, but I do have an old half-dead Chevy parked out back waiting for someone to put it out of it’s misery. I wear a ballcap and t-shirt most of the time, but I can use fancy words like tintinnabulation. I might make some homemade beer once in a while, but I order personalized beer labels and coasters to go with it.

I don’t own any guns, But I like to watch things blow up.

I guess what I’m getting at is, Rednecks can be complicated critters. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go slop the hogs, and then drink some beer whilst I read Scientific American. There’s a good article on the Semantic Web this issue. Come on down to the Redneck Bar and Grill sometime and we’ll have a beer.

November 26, 2007 | Tim Ebl | Tags: , , , , , , | 14 Comments »

Open For Business

Alright folks this is it the beginning of a new era. After much time and effort (mostly on Tim’s part) we have moved into our very own restaurant/pub. The Redneck Bar & Grill is now open for business. For all of the fans of Blue Beaver Beer, don’t worry there will still be more than enough of that to go around. We’ll still have plenty of your menu favourites (Tim’s “How To Be Cool Tips”, and my own “Ask Ernie” column) but now we’ll be have a regular assortment of weekly features. I’ll be cooking up some of my tried and true recipes and Tim has a few new tricks up his short-sleeved t-shirt. I suggest you put on a pair of sun glasses because this place is so shiny it might cause retinal damage. Belly up to the bar ladies and gentlemen, it’s happy hour all the time around here.

| Ernie | 4 Comments »

Bothered By Big Brother

Dear Ernie,
Why is it always Big Brother and not Big Half-Brother or Big Cousin?
Hari from Down on the Corner

Dear Hari in the Corner,
This is an intriguing question. As most people know it was George Orwell who originally came up with the concept of Big Brother watching you. But why did he choose an older brother? Well, I recently had a chance to sit down with George and ask him that exact question, here’s what he had to say. “…” Well, because he’s dead; so I couldn’t actually get a response from his corpse. However, I knew my readers wouldn’t be satisfied with that answer therefore neither was I. I called the Psychic Hot-line on t.v. and I had them get a hold of Orwell’s spirit on the “other side” so that I could pose my question. According to the spirit the reason for the Big Brother idea was that people always believe that their big brother will love them and will always being looking out for them. A big brother is seen as a protector of the weak and innocent. A big half-brother might not love you quite as much, in fact he may be secretly jealous of the attention you get from your mutual father. After all maybe your father secretly blames his older son for the break-up of his first marriage, whereas he might see his second child as a new beginning, sort of a second chance to get it right. Maybe your older half-brother sort of senses this and decides to take out his frustration on me. It’s nothing physical, but the mental and emotional cruelty I have to suffer through causes me to resent both of my parents for not being able to see whats going on and putting and end to it and when I grow up I become an alcoholic just so that I can dull the pain…uhh…that’s what George Orwell’s spirit said to me. And of course it wouldn’t be Big Cousin because some cousins aren’t really all that close in fact some cousins live on completely different continents so you know that your big cousin isn’t watching you and even if he was he probably doesn’t even know the two of you are cousins. That’s why Big Brother is the best choice.

November 25, 2007 | Ernie | Tags: | 4 Comments »

Run That Red Light

     Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about red-light cameras.  Most people seem to feel that they are, at best, unecessary and, at worst, an utter waste of taxpayers money.  The more I think about it the more I have to agree.  Why should “Big Brother” be monitoring whether or not we run a red light?  Where is it written that motorist aren’t allowed to run a red light anyway?  I’m pretty sure it’s some sort sort of a constitutional right.  After all, sometimes I’m in a hurry and if I have to sit and wait for the light to turn green again it might make me as much as five minutes late.  Five minutes!  I don’t have that kind of time to waste.  That will mean there could be three or four more cars ahead of me in the Tim Horton’s drive-through.  It’s not as if running a red light it dangerous or anything; the cars going the other way shouldn’t be jumping the green light without making sure it’s totally safe to proceed. If I get a ticket in the mail and have to pay a big fine, is that supposed to somehow make me think twice about breaking traffic laws?  I’m driving, I can’t be distracted by thinking!
     Aren’t there more important things to spend the taxpayers’ money on?  I think I heard about some sort of Federal Inquiry or Hearing coming up; we have to pay for that somehow.  I don’t want to have to pay extra taxes for something as frivolous as red-light cameras.  And don’t even get me started on photo-radar.  All I’ll say is, if the speed limit is 100 kph on the highway, why is my car capable of going 180 kph or more?

| Ernie | 3 Comments »

Arrogant Worms and Bearberry Crunch

     So, last night Tim and I once again had the distinct pleasure of seeing The Arrogant Worms live in concert.  The last time we saw them was nearly a year ago; November 25/06 (if you want to hear more about that one just click here).  This time around they were playing in a small town minuscule community of Bearberry.  This community has a hall and a bar/grill type place and pretty much nothing else. Unfortunately the bar/grill was closed so we couldn’t get any beer there.  The hall was licensed but they didn’t serve Blue Beaver Beer.  Fortunately Tim and I came prepared for that possibility so we didn’t have to go dry.

     The show itself was, as always, hilariously entertaining.  Most of the comedy was rooted in the name and stature of Bearberry.  Most of the members of the audience were from out of town, but all of the native Bearbarians (as Chris dubbed them) were good sports about the ribbing.  The Worms performed all of their smash hits that have not yet been recorded such as "Big Box Store" and "I’m Getting Mixed Signals From the Boy", which is evidently the true story of Mike’s son.

     They also played many of the really huge hits that have propelled them to international stardom within the town limits of Bearberry.  There probably would have been a riot if they had tried to get away without playing "Jesus’ Brother Bob" and "Last Saskatchewan Pirate".

     The trio also showed off their Canadian pride by singing several national anthems that they have written.  As I listened to Trevor singing, "We Are The Beaver"; I started, for the first time, to really consider the deeper meaning behind the lyrics.  When he said, "We can chew right through small trees", I pondered how that applied to Canadians.  Do the small trees represent the minor problems that we experience in our everyday lives?  Are we as a people better able to "chew" through these problems than say Russians?  Russia is the bear which "mauls anything that dares gets in it way".  Does that mean  they just use brute savagery to solve their problems?  As well; the beaver "slaps it’s tail when dangers nearby".  Do others rely on us as some sort of an early warning system?  Just how exactly does a Canadian person compare to a Canadian beaver?
     At that point I downed another Blue Beaver Beer and I just sat back and enjoyed the music and stopped trying to analyze it.  I suggest you go buy several of their c.d.’s and do the same.

November 19, 2007 | Ernie | No Comments »
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