Redneck Bar & Grill

Recently, a Red Deer scientist, Dr. Bernie Wedgeman, made a stunning breakthrough in his cancer research. He has determined that being alive causes cancer. It took years of testing to come to this conclusion. Dr. Wedgeman shared some details regarding his experiments.

He started with a theory that no un-living creature has ever been diagnosed with cancer. Then he started working with dead lab rats. He exposed them to some of the things that have been shown to cause cancer. Naturally, smoking was the first thing he tried; then he moved on to drinking from plastic bottles, eating burnt toast, lack of sleep, and even staring at the moon. None of the dead rats showed any adverse affects whatsoever from any of these known cancer causing activities. Dr. Wedgeman then moved on to human cadavers and amazingly, his research showed the exact same results. Dead people cannot contract cancer.

This led him to theorize that there might just be a way to cure cancer. His next step was to re-animate the recently dead. He chose cadavers of people who had died of cancer as well as ones that had succumbed to other causes of death, and continued his experimentation. He exposed these undead beings to the following list of known cancer causing effects; smoking, second-hand smoke, aspartame, potato chips, french fries, breakfast cereal, bread, popcorn fumes and skin-tight pleather pants. Everyone exposed to the substances remained completely healthy zombies.

Dr. Wedgeman issued this statement regarding his research, “We are, at this point hesitant to draw any definitive conclusions. There are most likely hundreds of other substances in the world that cause cancer. Clearly, we need to spend far more money trying to discover all of these substances before we can really start to research a true cure. However, I can say that of all the substances we have thus far tested, none of them have any effect on undead flesh. At this point we would say that rising from them grave is an effective treatment for most forms of cancer.”

Scientist are now working with the zombies in the Red Deer area to see if there are any substances that will cure them of their craving for brains and/or living flesh.