Lately, our Bar-room Brawl Tag Team Champions; Tammy and Gerri have been…concerned about the lack of competition. It seems that their legend grows each week and everyone out there is simply feeling too daunted to even challenge the ladies. No one seems to believe that they won’t be utterly humiliated if they step into the ring. Due to this problem I have been working hard to devise a solution. My first thought was maybe force Gerri and Tammy to fight sober. But it’s hardly fair to enforce such a harsh punishment on them (besides we are running a bar, it would be just plain stupid to suggest that anyone not drink). Then, after several hours of watching old WWF matches from the early ’90′s, I came up with a plan.
We will have a series of “gimmick” matches for the title belts. First up will be a beer-bottle-on-a-pole match. There will be a tall pole attached to one ring post. By standing on one’s tipppy-toes on the top rope, one will be just able to reach the Blue Beaver Beer bottle hanging off of the pole. Then one can use said bottle (after drinking the contents, obviously) in whatever way one wants in order to gain an advantage. I would suggest being creative with it. Pretend it still has beer in it, set it down, when your opponent goes for it you can give him a double-axe-handle across the back.
Next up, we’ll have a boiler-room-brawl. The two teams will start off in the boiler room and they have to battle their way out until one team can make it back to the ring and claim the case of Blue Beaver Beer that I will be holding. Of course you can use anything you can find in the boiler room as a weapon (although in Alberta, Fire Code Regulations state that you are not allowed to store anything at all in the boiler room).
I briefly considered a mud-wrestling match, but that usually tends to be demeaning to females. I want it to be known that I am not that kind of guy. Instead we will be having a gravy-bowl match. There will be a large pool full of chicken-mushroom gravy. Two teams enter clad in very tasteful bathing suits and they fight until a pin-fall is achieved. Mushrooms may be used as weapons.
So anyone out there who wishes to challenge Tammy and Gerri, just pick whichever match you like and then practice in your backyard until you’re really good. Then come on down to The Redneck on a Monday night and maybe, just maybe you might have a shot. As well, we will be having a tournament to determine a singles champion. If you think you got what it takes, let me know and I’ll schedule a match for you.
