There seems to be a need for a how-to on big fat bird squeezing. Surprises me, too. What surprises me even more is to realize that I know how to squeeze a plump bird properly. Go figure. I guess it’s just specialized redneck knowledge. And no, this isn’t related to choking chickens or spanking monkeys. That’s a different post for some other day.
Reading this post just won’t be the same unless you know why I’m writing it, so you better go look at JD’s I am Famous (and More!) post. Okay, read it now? Good. Now go back and read all the comments.
So if you want to squeeze a nice, fat bird, you have to promise to follow JD’s parameters. Just enough to get a little squawk (maybe a squack if it’s a duck), and no more! This discussion is not to allow anyone to go out squeezing birds indiscriminately or in a harmful manner. The other thing I’d like you to do for me is stay off the bottle! I don’t want to hear of anyone getting all juiced up and squashing some poor bird while inebriated.
I never planned on squeezing birds. It was more my parent’s idea. They would send me out there by myself to pick eggs, and there would be chickens sitting on them. Right off the bat you find out that one end of a chicken is pointy, and it can hurt you. You can usually just reach under the hen and get the egg, or the hen might jump up and leave. Remember to watch out for the rooster, if you have one. Some of them sneak up behind and attack! No, really, I’m serious. Not too bad for an adult, but a seven year old is a little shorter. Those little peckers can hurt! Anyways, sometimes we had to catch the hens or move them out of the way, so we would have to pick them up. Usually squeezing was involved to keep them in your hands. Birds are warm and fluffy, just like you bird squeezing wannabe’s might have all thought.
Let’s move on here.
All bird squeezing beginners should start out with large chickens, or quails, or another domesticated bird with small useless wings. The reason for this is big wings can hurt you! Just take my word for it. A goose can darn near flap you to death. And don’t even think about what a swan could probably do. Once you’ve mastered chickens, you can work your way up to larger birds if you want. Another key point to remember is the beak, and you want to stay out of the way of that. Chickens, ducks and quails have short necks, so if you squeeze them from behind they can only reach around so far to get you. Geese have long necks and really nasty bills, so you do the math (chickens over short neck + tiny beak <goose with long neck dangerous bill).
I shouldn’t have to point out, but will anyways, that squeezing wild birds can be a dangerous activity fraught with peril. If you can even get close enough to a wild bird to squeeze it, it’s not gonna be happy. If you do any wild bird squeezing, I suggest you get a camcorder and someone to tape it, so you can show us how it went!
One last tip. Every spring, many kinds of birds moult, which means to lose most of their winter feathers and grow new ones for the year. The new feathers are called pinfeathers, and chickens for sure seem very uncomfortable if you squeeze them in the pinfeather stage. A good analogy might be how some people have reported they feel after they shave their unmentionables and the hair starts growing back in. I haven’t done this myself, so I have to go by what I’ve heard about “uncomfortable crotch pricklies” and I imagine that’s what chickens go through every spring, on their whole body.
So take it easy on those chickens. You can tell if they are moulting or not by checking to see if they look bedraggled. If they are sleek and shiny, you’re good to go. Squeeze!
Now after all this, I expect some feedback. I want to hear some reports from the field. Even if you get as far as seeing a bird and then ‘chickening out’, I want to know! First one to give us their bird squeezing story (or video) gets one of our world famous Blue Beaver Beer Gift Baskets!
Photo courtesy of Sillydog
I can relate to bird squeezing as we raised pastured poultry for years. This article is informative and pretty hilarious!
Dude I do not care how much fun you say it is, there is NO way I am going to squeeze a chicken. The thoughts of you grabbing one and squeezing it kinda makes me laugh in a disturbing way though. i really think you should post a picture of you squeezing a chicken.
P.S. her post was hilarious!
Hey, I never said I was going to squeeze any!
Oh, my God, I’m dying here. What a hilarious and well-written–and yet disturbing–how-to. I really did learn a lot and feel much more confident to go out there and start squeezing. I’m so grateful for the advice on starting with birds who have “small, useless wings.” I was so worried about the beak, I hadn’t thought of those dangerous flapping wings! And the poor pinfeather birds! Nobody better be squeezing them.
I am inspired to devote all my free time to finding a nice, large, fat bird to squeeze—gently—and posting a picture for all to see.
Thanks SO MUCH for this awesome post. Bird squeezers everywhere thank you!
JD at I Do Things’s last blog post..I Bought a Door so you don’t have to
JD: Good luck on your bird squeezing adventures!
Ok, well now you’ve made it sound like SO much fun that I HAVE to try it. I have no choice.. you planted the idea in my brain and I will have to go in search of a chicken to squeeze tomorrow. Not a goose though, I have experience with those.. and I’m not ready to talk about it yet… but no, not a goose…
I will have to try it…however I don’t think I will find any willing birds around my neighborhood.
If I laugh that hard again, I will surely crack a rib. I thought it was hilarious that JD wants to engage in bird squeezing… but this post did me in!
I would like to testify that swans are mean and territorial- as I learned by watching one chase my friend around a park while pecking her in her be-hind. It was that experience that will forever keep me from squeezing anything with feathers.
Corrina’s last blog post..I Just Wanna Send A Picture!
i think we have one suuch bird in our village
let me try when i go there
[...] good two days over her post, I Am Famous (and More!), where we learned of her deep seated desire to squeeze plump birds. Bird squeezers everywhere can thank JD for coming out of the closet on this taboo [...]
Fat bird squeezing? Does this not sound wrong to anybody else?
Evercleanses last blog post..Evercleanse Detox to lose the waste and slim the waiste
Hey, isn’t that the point? It’s one of those guilty pleasures.
hey…
You need more rest i think…
Learning from others how to be cool is the lamest thing. Be original;imitation is suicide
Having dealt with swans, geese, chickens and ducks (and no, there was no squeezing involved), I will testify that geese and swans can be nasty. I had a friend get grabbed one time in a rather painful spot. He was rolling on the ground in pain, while I was rolling on the ground in laughter.
Chicken Fresh Eggss last blog post..Dapper Doodle Dandy
I have not been close to a chicken since i was a really tiny kid… but when you mentioned the rooster it brought back memories. I too was reaching to get eggs when the rooster snuck up behind me. That thing damn near made me crap my pants its scared me so bad.
As someone with a phobia of birds I can safely say I won’t be trying this.
Good luck with your new hobby however
Cool, i’ll absolutely join..
That pics of chicken, is weird.. I’d never seen a black chocken.. Where you find that?
I love to chicken fried
I’ve never thought of squezeeing! What a special hobby you have!
Originality truly rocks, I don’t like imitating people at all.
This was a very funny post… I lauged out loud at the thought of being flapped to death by a goose! This is one of those things thats really important to know for people who will need to handle birds, but where would you go to find out how? Well, right here!
Thanks,
Tammy
I will think many times before squeezing a chicken. This is not easy for everyone. Lol! Anyway, i like the picture of the chicken.
This is a very good HOWTO on how to squeeze birds lol, I’ve to admit that I get scared quickly when it comes to animal and birds although I do love them but in terms of touching them, I tend to stay away. Some time ago there was a pigeon at the place where I went to work, pigeon came in through one open space, I shouted very loudly LOL, gladly there was someone who could catch the bird and take it out.
I really like chickens and think that they need to be treated better. Why are we still using chickens as food?
So funny. Please do not squeeze chickens loil