I was leafing through the local paper today and all of a sudden the following caught my eye (and you know how painful that can be):
It was listed under “Miscellaneous Help Wanted”. Now, I know what you’re thinking (because the exact same thing occurred to me), “Hey this is a 100% legitimate ad for people (preferably girls) to sell liquor at the rodeo. It’s definitely not just Franklin trying to get girls’ phone numbers and possibly their home addresses if they apply with a resume.”
So, lately I’ve sort of been thinking that my day job is an awful lot like “Survivor“. 
First of all I have to hang out with a bunch of strangers, very few (if any) of whom I would ever choose to associate with. Next I’m forced to to stay at a small self-contained locale, not unlike an island.
In my first couple of weeks at this job I was presented with a few challenges, most of which I won, and I just sort of took my time to understand the game without taking too many risks. Gradually, I was presented with more challenges, then I made some alliances and slowly became well-liked by my fellow castaways co-workers. I was able to survive a few eliminations and I even got immunity a couple of times.
It didn’t take me very long to become the leader of my tribe; and I survived many more eliminations. A little while back I became the back-up hunter/gatherer shipper-receiver for the whole island. Now after one more elimination, I have moved up another spot to become the head shipper/receiver. If this trend continues, next I should become the Jeff Probst of my job and then the Mark Burnett.
Outwit – well, if you knew the kind of people I work with you’d know that’s not even a little bit difficult to do
Outlast – the ladies will tell you how well I can outlast other guys
Outplay – I never play at work; ’cause work isn’t fun, work is work
A little while back I re-watched the movie, “Underworld“. I started thinking about the idea of a werewolf/vampire hybrid. I believe they could have done a lot more with such a character. But more importantly, it led me to ponder something else. What if a werewolf/vampire hybrid was attacked by a zombie? You’d have a werewolf/vampire/ZOMBIE hybrid. How awesome would that be?
Such a creature would be damn near utterly unstoppable. A silver bullet kills a werewolf, but doesn’t do anything to a zombie or a vampire. A vampire is killed by a wooden stake in the heart. Now, even if you could get close enough to a werewolf to stake it, it won’t be bothered at all by a little “splinter”. Nor would a zombie. A regular bullet in the brain of a zombie would stop it, but of course it would do nothing more than annoy a vampire or a werewolf.
However (you might say) chopping off the head has proven quite effective against both zombies and vampires and it would probably work on a werewolf as well. Well, that is a possibility (after all I don’t claim to know everything on the subject), however; if you watch the movie “The Monster Squad“, there is a scene in which they stuff a stick of dynamite in the waistband of a werewolf. He gets blown into several pieces and at first seems to be a goner, but after a minute he reintegrates and just looks extra mad at the inconvenience.
Therefore, I think the only thing that could kill this Ultra-Monster is a silver-coated, wooden bullet in the brain (and the heart, for good measure). But who would have the necessary skills to make something like that?
Hey, I just thought of something that totally blew my own mind. What if King Kong was attacked by a werewolf, a vampire and a zombie…?
Well, I’m busier than a one-toothed beaver in the Forests of Ubangme this week-end. So instead of me writing a post I’ll just upload a video from YouTube. Here’s James At War giving a pretty accurate (in my opinion) description of todays pop-stars. Enjoy.
Are you tired of plain, boring, old, flat pancakes that just lie there on the plate; passively absorbing the butter, syrup and whipped cream you slather on them? I know I am. 
That’s why, as soon as I saw this on t.v., I bought six Pancake Puff Pans for the kitchen here at The Redneck. 
So now, if you come down here for breakfast, lunch or supper (’cause pancake puffs are good any time of the day) you can order a big plate of these small, round, hollow pancakes. They’re as much fun to look at as they are to eat. Just add a little butter, syrup and whipped cream and it’ll be like there’s a party in your mouth and on your plate; and everybody’s invited.
But wait there’s more! The website assures me that the fillings and varieties are “endless”. For example: blueberry, cinnamon and chocolate puffs; or savoury flavours like: pizza, crab-cake and jalapeno puffs. But all of those are pretty boring (even though they are puffs), so I’ve experimented with some truly unique varieties. Naturally the very first thing I did was substitute Blue Beaver Beer instead of water in the batter. Only afterwards did I realize that there was no way to top that. Nonetheless, I made a few others that are pretty good. Liverwurst, spam and edible pansy puffs. I also filled some with the fruit of the spiny poplar tree from the forests of Ubangme. Then after seeing a Monty Python sketch, I tried something really radical: Crunchy Frog. “Crunchy, raw, unboned, real, dead frog.” No mock frog here, we use no artificial additives or preservatives of any kind. It is the sort of thing that you’ll never believe until you taste it yourself.
I’ve been noticing that every single day, people come by The Redneck hoping to see some beaver. It’s been a little while since we published any Brand New Beaver Shots or Shaved Beaver Pics. So I figured I’d go ahead and post some of my favourite wet beaver pictures. 
And just in case one isn’t enough for you I was able to capture a candid photo of a beaver that is getting wet. Enjoy.
Seeing as Mother’s Day is practically upon us, it’s seems only fitting that we rasie a Blue Beaver and drink a toast to those who brought us all into this world (apart from us clones who were grown in large glass cylinders in labs, that is).
Usually I concern myself with only my own mother (that’s her in the picture), however I have recently begun to think that maybe I should amend that point of view. After all, I have encountered a large number of mothers that I’d like to…get to know a little better. So to each and every mother out there, on your special day grab a Beaver and think upon this:
M – is for…well, mother, oviously
O – is for observing your children closely to ensure that they grow up happy and well adjusted
T – is for never tiring in your efforts to look after us
H – is for hiring the very best nanny that money can buy while you are being a career mom
E – is for your emotional stability
R - is for really loving us no matter what we do
It seems, these days, that almost every show you watch on t.v. (or the ones I watch at any rate) have a disclaimer at the beginning as well as after every commercial break. You know the one that I mean, “This program contains scenes of violence and/or coarse language that may be unsuitable to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.” Now, I won’t get into the violence part, that’s a whole different matter. What I would like to address is the “unsuitable language”.
One of my favourite shows is Hell’s Kitchen. If anyone else has seen this you know that Chef Gordon Ramsay is very fond of using the f-word. This also occurs on a lot of the other “Reality T.V.” out there. However, here’s the funny thing. It’s always bleeped out; the most you hear is “f” then “bleep“. Therefore if you are hearing any offensive language it is in your head.
I think it’s time for the government to step and and censor our brains. It worked on “South Park” when they put the V-chip in Cartman’s brain. Surely it’s not that far fetched. That way the government wouldn’t have to spend it time making up new legislation to “protect” us (i.e. Bill c-10). They could just program the chips to make us do what they want. They could use it for things other than censor-ship as well. They could program the chips to make everyone stop smoking as well. That would be pretty sweet.
Everyone has witnessed the extraordinary fighting prowess of our Bar-room Brawl Tag Team Champions, Gerri and Tammy, “The Mean Mother Scrappers“. They have been absolutely dominant and remain undefeated since their very first fight back in December. They are so intimidating that few people will even step up and challenge them.
Now at long last someone has come forward to challenge for the singles title. Micky dropped by The Redneck for the first time a few days ago, and it was obvious right from the start that he wasn’t going to back down from anyone. Clearly he had his sights set on only one thing, a fight. So, naturally I signed him up for the Monday Night Brawl.
Micky stepped into the middle of the floor, folded his arms across his chest and glared balefully at everyone around him looking for a challenger. One man stepped forward and locked eyes with Micky. The two of them just stood there taking each others full measure. A hush fell over the crowd of onlookers as the two men played out the battle in their minds. After two full minutes that felt like an hour, the second man realized how the fight would end; he just knew he did not have sufficient testicular fortitude. He bowed his head and conceded the victory to Micky. Micky, however, was not satisfied. He kicked the man in the stomach, turned around, reached back, grabbed the man’s head in his arms, sat down hard snapping the man’s neck forward violently, then released him; thus perfectly executing a Stone-Cold-Stunner. The man was down and out.
“How was that for you, f**ker?!”, Micky shouted as he put one foot on his opponent’s chest and then flexed his arms. “Who’s next?!” The entire crowd took one step back, then they all raised their glasses in a toast and started chanting, “Micky, Micky, Micky…”
The title belt was presented to the brand new, undisputed, singles brawling champion right then and there. Micky put the strap over his shoulder and walked up to the bar to begin his celebration.
“Break their nose and they’ll just say sorry; now tell me what kind of freaks are that polite.” Weird Al Yankovic – Canadian Idiot
Well, I reckon I ought to add my two cents worth in regards to our review by Keywork over at Ask and Ye Shall Receive; especially considering I’m the one who asked for. And boy did I ever get it. I’m sorry you did not enjoy your visit to our establishment.
When I first submitted The Redneck for a look-see by those guys I kind of had a feeling that it might not be the most positive review ever (just judging by some of the others), but I guess deep down I was hoping I would be wrong and that they would say it was the greatest thing they had ever read and that they now had a new yardstick (or metre stick as we say up here) with which to measure all other blogs. I guess my first instinct was the correct one.
But it wasn’t all bad; Keywork starts out by saying, “Redneck Bar and Grill is not the worst blog I have ever read”. Then he goes on to say that he’s not being complimentary with that statement. However, just two posts under our review on his site is a review of another blog. He calls this one an “incoherent, slimy sac of anal seepage”. When you compare the two statements, I think we were complimented.
Now seeing as I’ve almost lost sleep over what he said about me being a “pretty good writer”, I feel I just have to defend myself. Keywork said, ” Never, ever, ever, ever, claim to be a ‘pretty good’ writer. Let someone else tell you that.” I’ll have you know that one time I asked my mom if she thought I was the greatest writer to ever walk the face of the Earth and she looked at me in the special way that moms do and said, “You’re a…pretty good writer, dear.” Plus, the Ninja that I wrote the story for told me, “thanks for the story Ernie! its amazing! haa”, and then she said, “…..didn’t you wet your pants at all this weekend?!” I’m not really sure what she meant by that; I have never soiled my pants in my entire life…well, except for that time I was cuddling the wet beaver on my lap, but that’s a different story.
Anywho, I would also like to point out that yesterday we received 45 views of The Redneck with iwillfrakingtearyouapart and keywork as the referrers in addition to all of our regualr patrons. It wasn’t all that long ago that 45 views would be our total one day traffic, yesterday it was around one-fifth. Some wise person once said, “Any publicity is good publicity.” So thank-you very much, Keywork, for the relatively kind words and all the attention. Anytime you want to come on down to The Redneck Bar & Grill and hang out for a while the Blue Beaver Beer will be on me.