In the last couple days, everyone has been asking me, “Tim, what are you going to put in those beer gift baskets you keep talking about? Can we get one of these awesome baskets that you and Ernie are weaving by hand from the choicest bullrush fronds picked on the banks of the Mighty Horseguard River.
Sorry, I don’t do basket weaving. We will use only the finest stainless steel or galvanized buckets that foreign child labour can provide.
Unfortunately, due to govt. regulations, we will be unable to send Blue Beaver Beer or other, less important beers, except locally. If you can stop by the Redneck Bar and Grill, we can hook you up with a fully loaded Blue Beaver Beer gift basket. Otherwise, we can get you a virtual bucket with the other items. Then you can get your own beer and you are set.
What other fantastic treats (that go good with beer) will be placed in these amazing gift baskets? We won’t be sending out boring stuff like pretzels, salted nuts or regular old cheeses. Read on for the real gourmet foods.
First of all, genuine imported Ram’s Bladder Cup garnished with lark’s vomit from the Whizzo Chocolate Company. We were going to get them to send us Crunchy Frog, but a lot of the bar patrons didn’t like the frogs. I promise you, when you bite into a Ram’s Bladder Cup, your tastebuds will just die!
Let’s move on to Mo’s Bacon Chocolate Bar. JD turned us on to these indescribable mouthwatering creations. As she said, to make something this tasty is “all wrong and terrible”. It’s bacon and chocolate in every bite!
Next we have everyone’s favorite, the snack food staple made famous by Ernie’s friend Weird Al Yanchovic: a twinkie wiener sandwich with Cheese Whiz. I can’t tell you how many of these I have enjoyed over the years. I prefer mine with all beef wieners.
Peeled scab of Cankersaurus was on the list, but we had trouble finding any of those since Cheech and Chong finished off the last few in the 80’s.
Pickled Prairie Oysters are a local delight with the ranchers, so we put a few of those in there. I bet you never knew we had oysters on the prairies. Well, we don’t have real oysters…
Sliced dried rhinoceros pizzle – need I say more? I will point out that pizzle is exactly the part you think it is but were afraid to ask. And don’t worry, we threw away all the diseased rhinoceros pizzle.
Round all of that out with a package of genuine Southern Three Fried Beans. Fry some beans, then refry the leftovers, and then take the left over left overs and batter them to be fried again! When has cholesterol ever tasted so good? I just love saying three fried beans!
And don’t forget the delicious chocolate covered caribou poops. Locally made, locally picked, locally processed. You cant beat local produce.
This is what we are gathering up to put in our gift baskets. Any requests for ‘must have’ food items? We could see if we have any room left over.