Warning! Appetite Spoilers Ahead! If you have a weak stomach and you spew on your keyboard, don’t blame me!
Imagine you are a big, burly, smelly caveman. You just got done konking a prehistoric wildebeast or antelope type critter over the noggin with your club and dragged it back to the cave for wifey to roast over an open fire. As you hand each of your children a hoof (their favorite piece!), you make sure to save out the tail for your sweetie. As the man of the cave, you have a big ‘ole helping of steaming ribcage. You save the dangly bits for your brother in law, that useless loser who can’t even hunt for himself. You look over at your lovely neanderthal chick as she munches on the delicious tail. Her shaggy back, hairy legs and pungent body aroma really get you going!
We don’t live in caves anymore. Even so, ribcage is still on the menu. BBQed ribcage, sweet and sour spare ribcage, salted dry ribcage appetizers. And a lot of you are thinking, ribcage tastes delicious! Well, just because it tastes good doesn’t mean you have to (or should) eat it. If you somehow found out that living human brain tasted like an orgasm in your mouth, would you tie up the neighbors and have some brain?
I have an over-active imagination. While most of the time I enjoy using it, at other times it runs away on me like a cheetah running down an easily run down prey animal. I have a lot of trouble eating critters if I get a picture of what they used to look like, so I try not to imagine anything but how great the food tastes. This is why most of the time, I prefer meats that have been processed to the point of unrecognizability. I can only guess that people who eat fish with the head still attached have very little imagination, or can somehow shut it off.
A few foods I won’t touch:
- ribcage <shudder> unless it is cut up small, breaded and deep fried
- shrimp (like horrible little insects)
- anything that has legs, eyes, or hair still on it
- any creature whose buddies can watch me eat him from a nearby pen or tank
- anything with veins, tendons or sinew
Acceptably unrecognizable meat products:
- Hot dogs. I just pray I never find a beak (or a nipple!)
- Mysteriosis-free deli meats
- Steak – I just pretend this was sawed off of a steak tree
- Pork chops – another forestry product
- Bacon – I would rationalize this one however I had to
- Chicken balls – chickens are female, hence no balls, so I’m safe on these. Rooster balls, however…. and no swallow balls, either!
- Chicken fingers – here again, they don’t have fingers
Even with ground meat products, you can still get screwed over. A buddy and I were enjoying a couple burgers one day, and he found a big ‘ole hank of reddish brown Hereford cow hair. We don’t eat there any more…
Salad has it’s drawbacks too. Being a guy, I never used to wash our lettuce when I was in charge of supper. I inadvertently served my 7 year old daughter an imported US grasshopper. Boy, did she ever get excited! Now I triple check my produce for legs, eyes and bodies.
Anyways, I can only hope you read all this right before sitting down for a big helping of ribcage. Bon apetit!
ah, ribcage.
slurp, slurp.
i do love shrimp though.
good stuff.
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Ewwww….why did I read that. LOL!!!
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Took me awhile to figure out what that all had to do with swallow balls. Nothing!
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When I was younger my grandmother use to force feed us tripe… 20 years later I am a diehard veggie. I think she might have had a little something to do with this. God bless her endtrail eating soul.
You got me hungry now! I want some ribcage!
@laura white: force feeding tripe? :O yikes!
koujis last blog post..haiku poem
As a resident in the Philippines, I have seen so many things eaten that I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole, not even your 10-foot pole.
Like you, if I know what the critter looked like before getting slaughtered, I’m less likely to be able to eat it.
They eat dogs here!
RT Cunninghams last blog post..The Many Kinds of Coffee
You sir, are good.
But hey am I to understand that you are a stranger to the sublime pleasures of the tempeh/tofu universe? I have to wonder what heights your prose might hit if you went completely bonkers with a spicy veggie stir fry, w/extra tofu!!?? Whew, that’s livin’! Just a suggestion….
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Ummm… If the human brain tasted like an orgasm in my mouth- you BET I’d tie up my neighbors! I’d go to Canada and tie you up too!
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Kouji: I gather you don’t have my particular food issues…
Tammy: Hey, I warned you!
Peter: those poor, castrated male vegetarian swallows – surely you wouldn’t eat that kind of food and support such cruelty?
Laura White : I feel sorry for your younger self. Did you mean entrails, or end trails? Either way, the both head for the hind region
Kevin: The kitchen at the Redneck can whip you up some BBQed ribs
RT: I hope to never eat any kind of actual dog. That really makes me sad.
Tom: Never had tofu. Not many rednecks have! I might go out of my way to taste some one day.
Corrina: Keep away! I keep a crowbar handy to deal with brain eating types…
Well, I think you know my feelings on eating ribcages. I’m also very leery of veins and sinews. Now, where is this steak tree of which you speak? I’m in the mood for a nice, sawed-off steak.
JD at I Do Thingss last blog post..I AM SICK so you don’t have to be
I too would love to know where this steak tree you speak of is? It would be even better if it could also grow baby back ribs too…yummy! As far as the vegetarian swallow balls….not so much.
Tim,
When I saw your picture of the bag of “swallow balls” I immediately thought of the Saturday Night Live skit with Alex Baldwin on “shweaty balls”… did you ever see that one?
Anyway, your post has thoroughly disguisted me, and I’ll probably be skipping dinner now.
Steve (aka Mr Trade Show Display)
Steve… I remember that skit. I couldn’t stop laughing because one of my sisters was standing nearby watching. Words cannot describe the amusement that I felt at the time.
RT Cunninghams last blog post..The Coffee Percolator, An Old-Fashioned Coffee Maker
JD & Sherry: You can find that steak tree in the Forest of Ubangme, of course!
Steve & RT: I saw the “Shweaty Balls” too, but I had forgotten about it. I was just picturing all those neutered vegetarian swallows….
Tims last blog post..When is Canadian Thanksgiving?
If human brain tasted like an orgasm in your mouth, then I’m definitely eating my neighbors.
On second thought, even if it tastes like crap I’m still eating them. Maybe then the jackhammering that’s been going on for 10 months under the pretense of “remodeling” would finally freaking stop.
I’m getting a fork and knife right now.
Florida Girl: I take it you have become a “jackhammer zombie” then. Remember, I still have my trusty crowbar!
I’m chinese and I have absolutely no clue what swallow balls are. =.=
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Myron Tay: That’s too bad. I was kinda hoping someone would tell me, since I don’t really know either!
Hi,
Give me ribcage any day over black-headed gulls eggs.
Yes I kid you not. Marco Pierre White made a dish out of gulls eggs, why do it? Who was the first person to say, “I’m bored with chicken eggs, lets steel the eggs out of that gulls nest and eat them?”
I would not mind but they cost £4 each ($7 dollars).
I’m off before I get egg on my face (especially at £4 a pop)
All the best,
john
Ugh, I didn’t listen to your advice..and I’m pregnant suffering from nausea. Bleh!
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Haha, I love a good BBQ and ribs are more than welcome on it, have to admit though I prefer a good burger!
My friend has just started upa site for those more vegetarian minded though, take a look at My Vegan Planet for vegan and vegetarian alternatives for your BBQ!
I ahve to admit though I am intrigued to find out what vegetarian swallow balls are!
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Swallow Balls….its not what’s for dinner. I won’t touch most seafood, but shrimp is ok. Plus ribs done right are tasty! Can’t remember the last time I had a really good hot dog. Most of the stuff in the stores aren’t that great.
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Funny! It sounds to me like you are on the verge of the vegetarian precipice. Don’t find it anymore, just give it all up.
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I’ve been a vegetarian for a little over two years now and have considered eating meat a few times. But, once you’re used to a veggie lifestyle, there are quite a few things that turn my stomach – including the swallow balls you listed above. Are these common in U.S. Grocery stores?