Use A Double Jogging Stroller To Generate Web Traffic

So, lately I’ve been wonder exactly what the average lay-person can do to generate web traffic either for their own site or for someone else’s.  Well, first of all you need to ensure that the web is strong and large enough to support increased traffic.  Then select a browser that has all of the features that you think you might require.  Then decide exactly what kind of traffic you want to generate on the web.  Now there is an old song about how a whole herd of elephants went out to play on the web one day.  However, I feel this might be just slightly exaggerated.  They are very few webs that could support the traffic of more than two or at most three juvenile elephants.  Your best bet is really spiders and/or spider-like creatures.

It is quite a complicated process to just naturally attract more spiders to one web, you’re better off to go out and collect them from their own webs and then put them on your site.  Although it may be tempting to try and attract flies, this is not really a good idea.  They will simply get stuck and then you web traffic won’t be able to get around and the whole system will just basically crash.

Often times people will try to use a magnifying glass as a browser for their webs.  Unfortunately, they usually realize too late that they neglected to factor in the the angle of the sun’s rays going through the lens and the end result is a fire wall.  The other main problem with increased web traffic is the increased possibility of viral infection.  The web itself can’t get a virus but your spiders just might.  You will definitely want to invest in some manner or anti-virus.  On the other hand, sometimes it is beneficial to get your web-site to go viral; that way it can spread (in a good way) to a vast number of other web-sites around the world.

As for what types of spiders are you want on your web, there are a wide variety to choose from.  The wolf spider may be one of your best choices because it will go out and hunt.  That way it will help bring traffic back to your web.  The recluse isn’t very exciting, it will just stay in it’s house and not walk around on the web very much.  The black widow may help to attract single men to your web-site, but the drawback is that she doesn’t support repeat customers.  Many times it is just best to experiment with different spiders or even other creatures just to see what generates the most traffic.  One thing to keep in mind, though is that spiders have multiple babies at one time, so you might want to purchase a few double jogging strollers so that they can get out on the web with the children and get some exercise.

January 29, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , , | 40 Comments »

I Wish I Was This Guy

A while back I offered all of you my personal review of the music video “Stupid Sh*t” by Girlicious.  Now another video has caught my interest; “Womanizer” by Britney Spears. It starts out with Britney, naked and glistening, laying on a bench in the sauna.  I’m certain that I am not alone in the opinion that all music videos should start this way.  It really lights a fire in your…attention span.  Fortunately, my…attention span can be satisfied in under five minutes.  So after that was out of the way I was able to watch the rest of the Britney Spears video.

We see Britney really stretching her acting abilities by making breakfast for her man.  She must have really studied for this part because I almost believe that she could be capable of telling the difference between the frying pan and the spatula (although I’m not certain how she makes square eggs).  Then her man has to go to work; so he stands up, stretches out his arms and his suit just flies on to him.  This is the kind of technology I would really like to have in my home.  I probably waste almost six or seven minutes every day getting dressed manually.

For the rest of the video we witness Britney in various clever disguises as she alternately assaults, seduces, photocopies and gives a lap dance to her man.  I won’t even comment on how unsanitary it is to dry hump on top of a prep table in a kitchen or how dangerous it is to drive a limo with your foot.  All of this is inter-cut with shots of her in the sauna.  Then at the end, after he gets home, it appears that she is mad at him because he was being attacked by her all day.

Now, if you look up womanizer in the dictionary it says, “a man who likes many women and has short sexual relationships with them”.  Therefore it is my conclusion that the video does not properly support the song seeing as this man is only with one woman the whole time.  Sure she may be in disguise, but he probably thinks this is just some sort of role-playing.  After all, having sex with Britney Spears for a few months straight must surely get a little dull (after the burning goes away that is) so why wouldn’t you spice things up a bit.  Furthermore, the way she bumps and grinds with her male back-up dancers, I would suggest that she is a manizer.

January 25, 2009 | | Tags: , , , | 27 Comments »

How Can Low-Carb Pasta Lead To Drug Rehab?

A little while back (when it was all the rage) I decided to jump on the Atkins band-wagon.  I have to say it was a pretty fun ride.  Eating all that special food that everyone was making especially for us.  The protein bars and shakes, the sucralose enriched chocolate cake, peanut-flavoured-soy-butter-spread.  Best of all was low-carb beer that all of the breweries were making in order to take advantage of all of us suckers health-conscious consumers.  I drank a heck of a lot of the Pale-Tail Ale from the Blue Beaver Brewing Company.  One of my favourite meals to make was cooked low-carb ground beef, low-carb roasted red pepper soup and low carb pasta all mixed together with a little low-carb salt and pepper.  Them’s good, low-carb, vittles.

Now of course the new band-wagon is to bash the whole Atkins thing.  Everyone says, “After I stopped doing Atkins and went back to eating what I was before I gained back all the weight that I lost.  So basically going that whole week without bread was pretty pointless.”  Now all the idiots health conscious consumers out there just take some “all natural” pills that will make your body burn fat.  So now you can eat all the crap you could possibly crave without any repercussions or exercise whatsoever.  Of course there are a few slight side effects; nausea, heartburn, indigestion, vomiting, diarrhea, convulsions, permanent out-of-body experience, but that’s okay ’cause I can eat potato chips and pizza for every single meal and still lose 90% of my overall body weight with these pills.

Just the other day I was on the subway and I got to talking with a guy named Jarod about diets.  Jarod from the subway was telling me he invented a diet where the only foods you consume are beer and celery.  I told him that I heard about that diet a long time ago from a regular patron at The Redneck by the name of Jordan.  Jarod claimed that his diet was completely different from Jordan’s because he was drinking Spoors Lite and taking a multi-vitamin every day.  We argued semantics for a while, but I could barely look him in the eye, I was so disgusted by his choice in beer.  After I turned my back we were able to have a more rational conversation about diet and overall health.  I told him that I had found a sure fire cure all.  It works on any virus, disease or parasite and even hypochondria and impotence.  Placebos are the new wonder drug for the 2000′s.  Side effects are pretty minimal as well.  They may or may not cause any or all of the following conditions; telepathy, telempathy, telephone calls, telemarketing tendencies, teleprompting, telemetry or they may have no effect at all.  Consult someone who plays a doctor on t.v. before taking placebos.  Women who do or do not want to get pregnant should not take placebos at any time before, during or after sexual relations.

Jarod from the subway said that he ended up in drug rehab when he was 21 because he had become addicted to placebos.  Then he enrolled in a one-step program; Step 1) Don’t ever take placebos again as long as you live.

January 24, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments »

Relationship Advice For Men – Give Your Lady Synthetic Grass

I’m certain everyone is aware that Monday nights at the Redneck we have our weekly Bar-room Brawls.  The event has grown considerably since it first started and we have had to make a few changes.  First of all our tag-team champions, Tammy-The-Mom-Who-Knows-Everything and The-Absolutely-True-Gerri, retired undefeated.  They decided that since no one could beat them, it was only fair to let someone else have a fighting chance.  Every now and again though, they dullen up their trusty-rusty knives and step back into the ring just to knock the current champions down a notch.

In addition we decided it was best to build a separate area adjacent to the bar.  Known as the Medium Round Gardens, the arena can seat 12 with standing room for 5 more and it has been filled to capacity on more than one occasion.  It started out as just a tent on the lawn, but all those people tramping around combined with all of the actual fighting really tore up the grass.  That’s why we made the decision to instal synthetic grass.  Seeing as it is much more resilient than the real stuff it really stands up to the pounding it takes on a weekly basis.

Since we built the arena we felt it would probably be best if we diversified a bit and found some other uses for it.  From time to time we book concerts, both White Noise and Flailed Cabbage were complete sell outs (the shows, I mean, not the bands themselves).  We also have had a few guest speakers.  In fact just last week we had two speakers come in for a special pre-Valentine’s Day seminar.  Both speakers offered their unique relationship advice for men.

I don’t want to give too much away (because I might get sued) but I want to offer some review/preview of what you can expect if you ever have the chance to attend one of their seminars.  Anne-Michelle Smythe said that if you are a rich, older man you should very seriously consider marrying a women in her early twenties.  She will do things for you on your honeymoon that you will remember until your dying day.  In fact she will most likely continue to do such things until your dying day.  On the other side of the spectrum, Bernie Wedgeman has been married four times and now is a self-described “born again bachelor”.  He advises that you really can buy love and purchasing it by the hour is far more affordable than paying for it for the rest of your life.

Personally, I am still hoping to get Larry Winget to do his seminar here at the Redneck.  He claims he can prove that “People Are Idiots”.  I would sure like to know more on that subject.  Soon I am sure that we will find even more uses for the Medium Round Gardens maybe we could host the UFC sometime; you know the Under Foot Children.

January 20, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , , , | 65 Comments »