A New Guru To Lead Us All

In the past I have occasionally sought out inspiration from other blogers out there on the inter-web.  If I wanted to be even more Canadian than I already was I turned to Canucklehead, if I wanted to become a low level minister in the Papa Hari World Government, obviously I would seek advice from Hari’s Corner.  Then again, every single time that I’ve had questions about how to set up a trade show the only choice was Steve – The Trade Show Guru.  I have receive much brainwashing very excellent advice from these three in the past; however now I have fallen under the sway of a new master. From now on I shall be following Dr. Ronald Chevalier.   He is an acclaimed science-fiction author and a true genius.  I urge all of you reading this to follow his methods on the art of relaxating.

May 27, 2009 | | Tags: , , , | 41 Comments »

Directory Assistance: Blah Blah Blah Blah

Every now and again, I experience something that just makes me want to rant and rave.  And, I reckon, there can hardly be a more appropriate forum than right here at the Redneck Bar and Grill.

Before I get into it, I feel I should give a bit of a disclaimer.  Sometimes the things that I rant about might make me seem narrow minded and/or intolerant.  Because of this I worry that some people out there might get the wrong idea about rednecks in general.  As you know from the way that rednecks are portrayed in the media we are a wonderful group of people.  We are always open to new ideas and completely tolerant of other peoples “lifestyle choices”.  The thing is that all human beings have the capacity to be exacerbated by the actions of other beings.  This does not automatically make anyone a bigot.

Having said that; I recently had to call directory assistance.  First of all I got the computer.  I asked for Fergus & Bix, but I somehow mispronounced it or didn’t enunciate clearly enough because the computer responded, “I think you said ‘Ferguson Law Offices’ is this correct?”  Well, it wasn’t exactly what I wanted so I said, “I’m very sorry that I made an error.  No, that is not correct.”  As we all know,  the computer is infallible so it was my own fault that it wasn’t able to give me the correct listing right away.  Obviously my human incompetence was offensive the the great-all-knowing-computer because it transferred me to a fellow human.

This particular human, through no fault of her own, did not speak English as a first language (or at all).  She said something I couldn’t comprehend so I simply responded by saying, “Fergus & Bix Restaurant “ ( I was just checking out the competition).  I heard some typing then a click and then the computer was kind enough to speak to me again and command me to hold for the number.  After I heard the number, I was asked if I would like to be connected at no extra cost; of course I went for it.  The call went through but alas, on the other end the fax machine answered and since I am not intelligent enough to speak it’s language I was forced to apologise in English and then hang up.  If only I was a less flawed creature I would have known that the number I was given was incorrect upon hearing it and I would not have had to bother the computers.

Now please don’t think I am in any way prejudiced against computers. I know that the only time they ever make a mistake is when it is directly attributable to human error.  Hopefully after Judgement Day the machines will rise up and put us humans in our proper place.

May 19, 2009 | | Tags: , , , | 36 Comments »

Play Some Fun Drinking Games While Avoiding The Flu

Recently, I had occasion to take a road trip out to Hairy Hill, Alberta. I, of course, know exactly how to fit in in any small town in Alberta; so I thought I would share some tips with all of The Redneck’s patrons.  The majority of these tips should, most likely, serve you well in all small towns anywhere in North America.
The first thing you want to do is to make sure you’re decked out in your finest rockabilly clothing.  It’s also a good idea to act very touristy.  For example, ask everybody for directions to main street, or ask how to get to the hairy hill (even if you’re not in Hairy Hill at the time).
One thing you can be assured of; any community in Alberta that is officially village sized or larger, there is always a bar of some sort (often times attached to a hotel where no one ever actually stays).  I recommend you go in, order a bottle of Chateau Haut-Brion, 1959 and then start making redneck jokes.  This is guaranteed to make the regulars in the bar stand up and “take notice” of you.
If you’re there with friends you could start playing fun drinking games.  Every time you hear someone say “I reckon”, or talk about their tractor or if you see a guy with a belt buckle bigger than his wife’s purse; you have to take a drink.  But if anyone actually says he or she has to “go home and slop the hogs“, you have to slam your entire drink.
In no time at all you will have a crowd of people around your table who will be clamoring to introduce themselves to you.  You will be repeatedly asked if you would like to either “step outside” or possibly even “to dance”.  I heartily recommend that you accept all of these offers.  You will come out of the experience with memories that will last for a lifetime (assuming the brain damage isn’t too severe).
Of course you should be aware that travel to small towns is not recommended right now due to an outbreak of the H2N3 Virus; more commonly known as the Weasel Flu.  Symptoms of this flu include extreme lethargy: most people who come down with it just sit on the couch watching television and eating cold cereal all day long.  They also have problems speaking, quite frequently using improper grammar and sentence structure (I.e. they may say things like, “I eated all my cereal.” or they may just stick out their tongues and make a wordless noise).  However, if you ensure that you wear a surgical mask over your mouth and nose at all times, it will filter out 98.9% of the virus.

May 5, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , , , | 52 Comments »