Recently, I had occasion to take a road trip out to Hairy Hill, Alberta. I, of course, know exactly how to fit in in any small town in Alberta; so I thought I would share some tips with all of The Redneck’s patrons. The majority of these tips should, most likely, serve you well in all small towns anywhere in North America.
The first thing you want to do is to make sure you’re decked out in your finest rockabilly clothing. It’s also a good idea to act very touristy. For example, ask everybody for directions to main street, or ask how to get to the hairy hill (even if you’re not in Hairy Hill at the time).
One thing you can be assured of; any community in Alberta that is officially village sized or larger, there is always a bar of some sort (often times attached to a hotel where no one ever actually stays). I recommend you go in, order a bottle of Chateau Haut-Brion, 1959 and then start making redneck jokes. This is guaranteed to make the regulars in the bar stand up and “take notice” of you.
If you’re there with friends you could start playing fun drinking games. Every time you hear someone say “I reckon”, or talk about their tractor or if you see a guy with a belt buckle bigger than his wife’s purse; you have to take a drink. But if anyone actually says he or she has to “go home and slop the hogs“, you have to slam your entire drink.
In no time at all you will have a crowd of people around your table who will be clamoring to introduce themselves to you. You will be repeatedly asked if you would like to either “step outside” or possibly even “to dance”. I heartily recommend that you accept all of these offers. You will come out of the experience with memories that will last for a lifetime (assuming the brain damage isn’t too severe).
Of course you should be aware that travel to small towns is not recommended right now due to an outbreak of the H2N3 Virus; more commonly known as the Weasel Flu. Symptoms of this flu include extreme lethargy: most people who come down with it just sit on the couch watching television and eating cold cereal all day long. They also have problems speaking, quite frequently using improper grammar and sentence structure (I.e. they may say things like, “I eated all my cereal.” or they may just stick out their tongues and make a wordless noise). However, if you ensure that you wear a surgical mask over your mouth and nose at all times, it will filter out 98.9% of the virus.
Hahah this is great. Nice post.
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Eating non-toxic foods, drinking clean,pure water and everything that is earth-friendly is a great way to get rid of this “flu pandemic”.
hey Ernie,
I was worried enough trying to avoid the swine flu and now you tell me about this new Weasel Flu. I googled it and found that one way to ward it off is to drink copious amounts of beer. Sounds like an added benefit to the fun drinking games! ~ Steve, the trade show exhibit booths guru
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Yes! Another reason to savor the taste of sweeeeeeet beer. LOL
These are funny stuff you have right here. And believe me when I say that I’d keep dropping by for my regular dose of laughter.
That’s it for now as I have to go home and slop the hogs.
If you drink liquor to ward off the flu, the result will be another disease in the offing. And this time it will be deadly…so stop drinking intoxicating liquor. If you want to shoo away the flu, better practice good hygiene.
I never knew I had the weasel flu. And now I’m dying to say ‘I eated all the cereal.’ You know what this means? This dastardly weasel flu thing can be trasnsmitted to other people via the internet. Highly dangerous stuff.
Its tradition to perform the perform the mesmerizing weasel war dance as part of your drinking game activities when travelling through small towns. It helps to ward off the Flu virus or was that a sign that you had the virus?
Ok I pretty much live in redneck heaven and tho I VEHEMENTLY disagree, my hubby swears my neck has red tinges…. does this mean I am screwed or virus immune??? I gotta know so I know which undies to wear.
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I live in a small town. Our town is so small, we don’t even have a bar. To get to the nearest one you have to drive at least 20 miles.
great post, i always get a good laugh when i stop by here. thanks.
I think the best way to aviod this flu would be to turn off your TV. I had not heard of it until yesterday through the blogosphere.
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I think beer is the only flu treatment right now. If you drink enough you won’t even remember being sick if your lucky.
I like the drinking game have to try that soon.
This whole flu scare is so silly. I have no idea why people are panicing – the chances of actualy dying are so slim…
Now how the hell did I manage to catch Weasel Flu? I haven’t been traveling anywhere recently . . .
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The key is high proof shots! I generally try to stick with anything over 100 proof.
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Weasel Flu, Swine Flu what is this world coming to? All these drinking games should help;)
it’s all true. the alcohol in your system will sterilize your blood. as long as you never get sober, you will never get ill.
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Hi,
This flu can be transmitted to other people via the internet.
This is very dangerous. I think beer is the only flu treatment right now.
Thanks.
So I turnded off my TV and readed your blogamajigger. I think I’m havin’ some of these symptons. I would head on down to the Billy’s Tire Center and have Dr. Billy give me a checkup, but I just don’t feel like it right now.
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Drinking games with cards are really fun. This Flu has scared people so much that they think they might be affected if they feel tired or feverish because of other reasons.
Hahaha, thanks for the laugh. Great advice, you could get to know many lifelong friends this way. Since you wouldn’t live very long
Additionally I doubt CDC can do anything about the Weasel flu, millions are already infected. Have been infected for generations
Seriously though, I’ve found out that as long as you remain respectful and don’t patronize them rednecks, they won’t gut ya.
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Hi,
Very nice post.
I watch T.V all the time when suffer by flu.It is the time for rest .
They just rated the flu as epidemic but not that bad. Makes no sense they are worried why most people do not have hard time and some get real sick. I like old remedies like a shot of whiskey and some honey and if that does not work drink the bottle of it.
Funny how they made the flue out so bad. They are scared because they can not find out why some people get so sick and others do not. I say drink some whiskey and honey and sleep it off.
Your tips are cropping. I am interested how you usually feel yourself after these parties. I am here to give you another tip: “Have a couple of head-ache pills for the morning”. lol
Hi,
This whole flu scare is so silly. I have no idea why people are panicking – the chances of actually dying are so slim…
These are funny stuff you have right here. And believe me when I say that I’d keep dropping by for my regular dose of laughter.
Thanks for sharing post.
were having some fun last night, but we had no idea for a drinking game, help us out on this one people… best). If anyone else in the room has done it, they take a drink.
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Me and my friends like to party but we can never think of a fun game to play to get us all drunk quicker and still have it fun at the same time.
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hahaha this is very cool!Thanks for the laugh! More power!
Great fun! Thanks for the chuckle
Great post! Can’t stop laughing when reading it.. Hahaha..
The best drinking game I’ve ever played was the “how I met your mother drinking game”. There’s a lot of different versions but the hardest goes as follows: “Drink every time the name Ted is said. EVERY time”. Also there’s the one that says “Drink every time Ted acts smug”. But after a certain point it’s pretty hard to keep track of the rules
For me, the best way to avoid flu is to avoid crowded public places. Since this swine flu pandemic arrived, I avoid such crowded places if possible. If it can’t be avoided at times, I just wear mask over my mouth and nose.
Hi,
I like old remedies like a shot of whiskey and some honey and if that does not work drink the bottle of it.
Thanks for sharing……
Drinking games with cards are really fun. This Flu has scared people so much that they think they might be affected if they feel tired or feverish because of other reasons.
I agree to use surgical mask because Prevention is better than cure. When you are in crude u should protect yourself from flu.
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Halarious! Now I know how to be popular
I loved it.
Anyone ever played beer pong?
Don’t share drinking cups and straws.
Laughter (w/ beer) is the best medicine.
Getting plenty of rest and drinking plenty of water…
Everyone has an important part to play to prevent swine flu from happening…
LOL, great, two positives and nothing negative. great post
I think eating healthy food, doing exercises and drinking lots of water is the only way to keep your self fit. Having healthy diet with mixture of season’s fruits and vegetable makes sense form preventing your self from flu as it strengths to your immunity system.
Love this post. LMFAO!
who doesn’t love a good drinking game?? we played beer golf the other day. ouch!
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I think eating healthy food, doing exercises and drinking lots of water is the only way to keep your self fit. Having healthy diet with mixture of season’s fruits and vegetable makes sense form preventing your self from flu as it strengths to your immunity system.
Why not look at online games as an alternative. Though it is no tip for keeping yourself fit, it might make you stress free!
“ask how to get to the hairy hill (even if you’re not in Hairy Hill at the time)” Haha, I love your blog. Its always so fun.
I think my husband has permanent weasel flu.