Attack of The Spam-Bots From Dimension X

Recently, Tim brought something disturbing to my attention.  It seems that The Redneck is being frequently visited by spam-bots.  At first I didn’t see the problem with this because I thought spam-bots were just the machines that work in the factory that produces that wonderfully tasty luncheon meat.  Then I found out that these particular ‘bots were the ones that produce that other kind of spam (or what I like to call tofu) the kind that no one in the whole blog-o-verse enjoys.

Most of the time these annoying little bastards just leave comments about how great amoxicillin is.  Lately, though, they seem to be getting a little smarter.  They are leaving what seem like legitimate comments like, “This is very good advice.  Thank-you.”  This way if I’m not paying close attention I think that they really did read the post and I will approve the comment.  As if that’s not bad enough, these robotic douche-bags are trying to usurp the identities of our Beer Buddies.  I’ve ran across comments that are supposedly written by; Canucklehead, Trade Show Display, Hari, Tammy, Absolutely True and Jean-Luc Picard.  I even found one that used Tim’s name, plus there are several by Harvey Bilchick, who is not actually a real person at all.  However, if I click on the back-link to their site, it becomes readily obvious that these “people” are not who they say they are.  They’re trying to trick me; but, like the saying goes, “I may have fallen off the beer and turnip wagon at night, but it wasn’t last night.”  I wise to you.   Now for any of our Beer Buddies who haven’t had their identities stolen all I can say is, just be patient I’m sure it will happen for you soon enough.

Unfortunately, I’m not really sure how to get rid of these damn, dirty tofu-bots.  If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears (which makes my face look really funny).  I will do my very best to weed out these impostors and continue to fight the good fight.  But first, it’s time for a nutrition break.  I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam.

July 21, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , | 51 Comments »

What’s LaToya Jackson Been Smoking?

I saw an article in the paper the other day that caught my eye (and you know how painful that can be).  LaToya Jackson is saying she believes that her brother was murdered by a group of conspirators who are trying to get hold of his fortune.  She went on to say that she knows who is responsible and is determined to bring them to justice.

I guess now that Michael is gone, LaToya wants to be the wacko one in the family.  I’ve heard reports that Michael didn’t have any money due to the various lawsuits against him.  Supposedly, that was the reason behind his fifty concert dates in London.  He was attempting to earn enough money to pay off all his debts.

As long as we’re making up crazy theories; allow me to present a more plausible one.  If any celebrity was murdered by a group of conspirators for his money; I would think it would be Ed McMahon.  Some people wanted to get their hands on his Publishers Clearing House millions.  They whacked him, made it look like natural causes and then they must have worked out some way to get the money.  I don’t really know all the details, I am hesitant to name anyone who is involved and I certainly don’t have any proof; but that’s the great thing about conspiracy theories.  A person just has to say that they believe that there was a conspiracy and then challenge everyone else to disprove it.  If someone says, “An autopsy confirmed that it was natural causes.”, you can just respond by saying, “That’s what they want you to think.”  Who can possibly argue with that rock-solid logic.
But then again, maybe it wasn’t a group of people.  Maybe it was a lone gunman.  One person who finally grew tired of hearing about how he “might already be a winner” but never actually won anything.  He just snapped and went after McMahon, causing a series of injuries over a number of years; the cumulative effect of which eventually resulted in his death.

July 18, 2009 | | Tags: , , , | 48 Comments »

I Went To The Opera And All I Got Was This Lousy Organ Transplant

And speaking of not-on-Broadway Musicals; the other day I saw REPO! The Genetic Opera.  Well, to be precise it was the movie adaptation of the opera.  It kind of an unusual show, to say the least.  It’s set in the not too distant future, after a worldwide epidemic of organ failures.  A vast number of people die before a company called Geneco develops a solution.  They come up with a drug called Zydrate that makes organ transplants a very easy procedure.  Then, for anyone who can’t afford a transplant, Geneco also offers financing.  The only catch is, if you miss payment they send out the Repo-Man to recover their property.  Naturally, this leads to a lot of gore.

When I rented the movie I was expecting it to be along the lines of The Rocky Horror Picture Show or The Phantom of the Paradise; a lot of singing mixed in with the dialogue.  However, apparently the producers wanted REPO! to be like a “real” opera which is entirely singing.  So, there is about five minutes total spoken dialogue in the movie.  At first this really threw me for a loop.  After I finished watching it, I couldn’t really decide whether or not I liked it.  My opinion was that it had a pretty interesting story, but they needed to talk more and sing a little less.  Although there were a couple of songs that I did really like; Zydrate Anatomy performed by the Grave-robber and Amber Sweet and Infected where Shilo laments her fate.  However, after I slept on it I realized that I did very much enjoy the movie.  I even watched it again before I returned it.

There are some surprisingly good performances in the movie.  It stars; Paul Sorvino, Anthony Stewart Head, Bill Mosely, Alexa Vega, Sarah Brightman and Paris Hilton.  Darren Lynn Bousman is the director.  Now; I have, on occasion, made fun of Paris (although who hasn’t jumped on that ass bandwagon) but I have to say she turned in a really good performance as Amber Sweet in this movie.  Both her acting and her singing are very good.  As far as I have been able to determine, all of the actors also sang their songs and most of them do a very good job of it.  In my opinion though, Paul Sorvino’s singing was the weak link, but his acting was solid.

So if you like to see some blood and guts and you have a desire to hear a rock-opera,  you should check out REPO! The Genetic Opera.  You can rent it, or I understand that it is playing in select theatres this summer or maybe you’ll even be lucky enough to catch a live performance in a city near you.

July 14, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

Let’s Go Get Stampeded

Well, it’s that time of year again.  Time for the annual Horseguard Valley Stampede.  This year is the 24 ½ th  anniversary of the very first Horseguard Stampede.  Back then it was just Old Man Karhoffer (at the time he was Middle-Aged Man Karhoffer) running an uncontrolled herd of Beefalo headlong down the valley.

Nowadays, it’s completely changed.  A bunch of local ranchers run an assortment of animals headlong down the valley while hundreds of spectators watch to see where they’ll all end up.  Unlike other Stampedes out there, all of the people in attendance at the Horseguard actually know the difference between a cow and a horse.  They don’t just buy a cowboy hat and boots and call themselves cowboys.

This spectacle is great fun for the whole family.  There’s all kinds of different attractions to take in.  Local band White Noise is headlining the main stage.  You can travel just a short distance away to the sovereign country of Sebekia, where you can see a breathtaking pyrotechnics display every night.  The Redneck BBQ competition will go ahead with a vast variety of hot dogs and instant macaroni and cheese dishes getting cooked up as well as everyone‘s favourite BBQ-Rib-On-A-Stick.  The senior Sebeks will be giving free Square, Round and Triangle Dancing lessons.  There are many rides to go on as well; such as The Vomit Inducer and The Spin Around In Circles At High Speeds Until You Spew.  Also there will be bungee jumping but you have to bring your own rope.  For the younger kids there is a petting zoo with a blue beaver, a blue-footed booby and a rare blue lobster.  There will also be free neck painting.

You can hardly believe that all that excitement can be packed into just 45 hrs. and 15 min.  As always the entire Stampede culminates with the running of the glaciers.  Dozens of people every year run in front of the glaciers that are hurtling down the valley.  Over the years there have been a few unfortunate souls who got trampled to death.  But if you are slower than a glacier (either physically or mentally) than you shouldn’t be trying to outrun one.  Come one, come all to the greatest show on (the Horseguard Valley part of the) Earth.  You won’t want to fail to not miss this; I assure you.

July 8, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , , | 27 Comments »