Comment If You Like Beaver

So, I got to thinking about something the other day. Most people will agree that people are the most intelligent life forms on Earth. (I know some of you out there will try to make a case for dolphins being pretty smart; but really, when was the last time a dolphin came up with a new app for the iPhone? Get real.) So; say you have an employee who seems incapable of learning even the simplest of tasks. You speak to him and he might briefly glance at you before going back to whatever he’s doing but more likely he completely ignores you. The only time he shows a hint of interest is when you offer him food. Would you say that this person is extremely independent and highly intelligent? Or would you say that if he was any dumber you’d have to water him twice a week?

Now let’s say you have an employee who is extremely loyal to you. He’s always doing his very best to learn whatever you try to teach him. He may be a bit of a suck-up, but deep down he just wants to make you happy with his performance. Would you think that he’s so stupid you have to walk behind him with a plastic bag when he goes outside? Or would you think, “This guy could be my best friend”?

Now let’s apply this analogy to the animal world; specifically cats and dogs. All the cat people out there would have you believe that those creatures are so independent that they won’t take orders from a mere human. And, supposedly, dogs are too dumb to think for themselves. Personally, I just don’t have much use for cats who want to be either let in or out of the house every hour on the hour while I am trying to get some sleep on my friends couch. On the other hand though, I don’t really enjoy constantly being licked when the family pet wants attention (but if people would raise their children better that wouldn’t be an issue).

From this rant you might assume that I am a “dog-person”. It is true that I like dogs far more than cats, but I consider myself to be a “beaver-person”. They’re just so cute and furry. I love to bury my face in them. And they make great watch-dogs. They’ll always slap their tails whenever danger is nearby. I even got myself a bumper sticker, “Honk if you like beaver”. You’d be surprised at how many drivers will honk their horns at you. Strangely though, it’s almost exclusively men.

March 18, 2010 | | Tags: , , , , , | 83 Comments »

I App Ologize For Stacking Up On Crappy Apps, I mean Crapps

Photo on 2010-03-08 at 14.54Ernie recently posted Stick It Up Your App as part of his ongoing battle against pointless sillyness. Now I realize Ernie is all for pointful sillyness, such as green beer on St. Patrick’s Day. And, I’d have to agree that many of the apps I personally loaded onto my iPhone were not only pointless and silly but also didn’t work very good.

For instance, Grenade Lite. If it’s the free version they attach the word Lite to it, and charge varying amounts of money to upgrade to the full flavoured version. Unfortunately for them, I’m cheap as a monkey so I never upgrade. Anyways, you slide your finger across the screen to pull the pin out of the grenade and a few seconds later, it “explodes”. Wow. Problem with this app? When you pull the pin on a real grenade, the handle flies off. Anyone that has watched Avatar could easily verify that even futuristic CG grenades work this way. The programmers of this app didn’t even figure out how a grenade works before they made their crappy app, or CRAPP. And, it really has no point. Its not like I’m going to throw my phone to fake a grenade, so I gotta hold it and let it “explode”. That’s not how we did it in the army.

Yeah, I’ve downloaded farting apps, apps that shoot virtual on screen guns, an app that loads a new insult every time you shake the phone, and one where a cow moos at you every time you talk. These were all Crapps. I had one app that just shouts “Woooooo!” every time you push the button. It makes you glad we are improving the universe with such important and functional technological advances.

But then there are all the super useful apps. Like eReader, which lets me read books anywhere and for a lot less money each than a paper book. Or Pocket Wikipedia, which allows me to win arguments on the go with those who don’t have all the facts at their fingertips. And how about Flixter, which allows me to easily find out movies playing and showtimes at local theaters. And lets not forget that I can even get phonecalls! That’s right, not only can I do all that other stuff but I can receive calls, make calls access voicemails, and even phone 911 from my iPhone. Not to mention texting. And of course, I am never one of those distracted texting drivers. I make handsfree calls with bluetooth while on the road.

What self respecting Hi Tech Redneck wouldn’t want to pack around a dozen ebooks and at least two gun apps?

March 8, 2010 | | Tags: , , , , , , | 33 Comments »

Stick It Up Your App

I’ve been hearing a lot about all of the different apps that are available for your iPhone. Apps to help you find your favourite cheese, apps to keep up to date on every sports score you could possibly imagine (and a few you can’t), apps to make you a better amateur ornithologist, there’s even an app to cause synesthesia (I’m not joking about that one, the description for an app called Bloom actually says, “See the music”). Now I can see how some people might find things like that useful, but I thought of a couple of other apps that a regular Joe like me could really use.

My room-mate moved out recently but she hasn’t removed all of her belongings yet. She left her t.v. and DVD player behind; unfortunately she took all the remotes with her. Therefore I want to be able to point my iPhone at the electronics and have it figure out how to change the channels and fully operate the DVD player. Just to be clear though, I don’t want to have to go through the hassle of looking at the t.v. to figure out what brand it is and then having to read a list of corresponding codes and then having to enter the proper code into my phone. I mean if I have to do all that I might as well just break down and buy a universal remote.

The other app I want; you know when you’re in the living room and then you go to the kitchen to do something, but when you get there you realize that you’ve completely forgotten what you went in there to do? I want my iPhone to tell me what I was going to do. But I don’t want to have to, like, talk to it and tell it to remind me of stuff. If I’m going to do that I could just as easily get a note pad and pen. Isn’t that the whole point of having an iPhone is to make my life less complicated.

While I’m at it, I should be able to just enter a few key words and then have an app that will flesh out an, approximately, 350-400 word blog post (in my own unique voice, of course). Now those are some useful apps. Incidentally, I’m trademarking/copyrighting these apps right here and now. So, if they ever become reality Steve Jobs is going to owe me some money.

Oh and one other thing, I want an app so that my iPhone can actually send and receive calls (even though that’s about the least useful thing I can imagine using a phone for).

March 7, 2010 | | Tags: , , | 20 Comments »