Well, it’s been a few weeks since I was last seen at The Redneck; and probably many of you have been wondering if I went on another pointless holiday sabbatical.  I haven’t.  Rather I simply decided to spend some time in my un-happy place.  It’s a dreary place where the clouds cover the sun all the time.  It snows every night, then melts every day around here.

Now, you must be wondering why who anyone choose to spend time there.  Well, I’ll tell you why right now.  You have to spend time in your un-happy place once in a while otherwise you won’t be able to properly appreciate you happy place.

It’s like that brilliant philosopher, Butthead, once said, “If nothing sucked and everything was cool all the time; it’s like, how would you know it’s cool.  You have to have stuff that’s sucks in order to have stuff that’s cool.”

So now when I eventually make it back to my happy place the sun will be that much brighter and warmer.  The air will smell that much more sweet as will the flowers.  For now though, I have to make the transition through my neutral place.  A place where everything is just kind of static.  But I’m really hoping I can get a case of that Weasel Flu that’s going around because that would make my life exciting and send me to my sick place (which I can usually only get to by having impure thoughts about Miley Cyrus).  Unfortunately the weasels that I hang out with are only afflicted with Acute Laziness Syndrome which I already have

Recently, whilst enjoying a bite at Stratosphere Las Vegas, I became deeply lost in thought.  When I eventually found my way out of the nigh-endless maze of my own mind I thought I might write down some of the things that I had uncovered in there.

Running the kitchen at The Redneck Bar and Grill, from time to time I hear unusual requests from our customers ( I‘m sure Corrina knows what I’m talking about).  One day a lady told the server that she had just been released from the hospital after receiving a bone marrow transplant.  As a result she was extra susceptible to any food borne bacteria, so she asked that her Italian sausage and marinara penne be extra thoroughly cooked.  Now, I want to point out that our kitchen is maintained at the highest level of cleanliness that it possibly can.  However, if I was in a situation where I was as vulnerable as this lady I would want to make certain that I knew everything that was going into my food, and I would want it prepared by someone who loved me and truly cared about my health instead of taking a chance that my meal was made by some teenage boy who was far more interested in either texting his girlfriend or the plunging necklines of the servers’ blouses.

Also we quite often get people in who say they are allergic to gluten.  Please don’t mistake me here, I am not making fun of anyone with Celiac Disease or other allergies (in fact a close acquaintaince of mine is allergic to peanuts; if he has any he breaks out in a rash, but just on one part of his body, one very specific, very personal part of his body, and I would never dream of making fun of him).  However, if you tell me that you are so allergic to something that even so much as one molecule will kill you; then I’m sorry but, again, you may want to prepare your own meals.  In a busy kitchen there are all kinds of things just floating around and you never know where they might land. You wouldn’t want to end up with allergy induced asthma.

Then again there are some customers who will order something like a mushroom-cheeseburger with fries and then ask you to not salt the fries because sodium is the devil.  But I guess the processed cheese, ground beef and deep fried potatoes are perfectly healthy.

Personally, if my own health was as precarious as some of these people claim theirs is, I think I might spend every day just sitting at home eating celery, drinking super-purified distilled water and playing board games.  But then again I’d have to be extremely careful that the sharp edge of the race car or the top hat didn’t puncture my bubble.

In a perfect world, everyone could have trouble free high speed internet for $2 a month, and we would all get to pet unicorns whilst fair maidens adorned us with flower wreaths in a beautiful garden that never experiences below freezing weather. Oh yeah, and world peace. And really low calorie beer.

I finally went out and bought a Sierra Compass 597 Aircard from Telus. Hopefully I will at least get to see the elusive high speed unicorn. An aircard may not let me actually pet the darn beast though.

We have been suffering along with all of our crappy internet problems ever since I first bought a computer in ’99. First dialup, and what a betch that was. We struggled along with dialup internet here in our Central Alberta home right up until 2006. That was when I decided to start looking into high speed options.

I already knew that DSL through the phone lines was not an option. Our lines were installed when I was 8, because I remember them going in. There was no fibre optics type cable in our out the way neck of the woods. A quick phonecall to Telus confirmed that telephone line high speed internet wopuld never happen for us, since we live in a real backwater locale down several dirt roads. The phone company will never be upgrading these lines!

Next I looked into wireless internet, where you buy a modem and receive a signal broadcast from the nearest town. Nope, too far away and too many land features such as hills between us and every town. Of course I had to live in the dreaded “internet dead zone”. Just five miles away they have so much internet they can download entire movies, and here we can’t even download a large email without problems.

That was when I stumbled across Xplornet Satellite internet service. Internet anywhere. It seemed like it was the answer to my problem. Within a month I purchased the system and had it hooked up. It functioned… fairly well…

This internet dish is not the same as what you would have for TV. We have that kind of dish as well for all of our satellite tv services and it works great unless it is precipitating really hard outside. For internet you need a larger dish with the capability to upload information back to the satellite and the regular tv dish doesn’t do that.

Our satellite internet is not what anyone but the satellite internet company would call high speed. It is faster than dialup, I’ll give them that. About 3 times faster. When it is working. Cloudy weather, technical difficulties and such can happen. But basically it has hardy worked at all this month. Or it works for five minutes and then boom! nothing. Satellite internet really sucks. And every time you phone the service line, they instruct you to monitor internet speed for a couple weeks before they will try to help much.

I decided to bite the bullet and got this Rogers Rocketstick Wireless USB Air Card. It worked great in town. The service in the store was awesome. It was a pretty red colour and the software was user friendly. Guess what? It didn’t work at my house. Not enough cell phone reception. So I had to take it back. Again, the service from Rogers was great and it didn’t cost me a dime to try it out and return it.

Now I have this Sierra Wireless Compass 597 Aircard from Telus. They made me sign up for a year contract, and I can’t return this one but the USB card itself was free with that contract. It isn’t a pretty red, just plain ‘ole black. However, it does get enough reception to function at my house – barely. I will probably end up getting a booster antenna yet. The plus side is, I can now use my laptop anywhere I can get cell phone reception. Look out world! Now if I could figure out some way to hook it up to our cheap wireless router