Redneck Bar & Grill

I had the long week-end off work, so I decided that I wanted to "get away from it all".  At first I thought I might travel to Sebekia to visit the royal family and see the sights.  However, after some thought I decided on another option.  I went to the sovereign state of Eblopia. 

This nation is roughly the same size as Sebekia.  It has several man-made lakes and nature-made forests.  It is a really beautiful land.  Coincidentally the Sebekia Royal Family was there for a visit along with the Liscombes, who are cousins to the Eblopia Royal Family.

The only thing that marred the enjoyment of the land is the fact that it is embroiled in a civil war.  Fortunately it is a cold war, so there’s no actual fighting merely a lot of tension wondering if there is going to be a tactical F-Bomb dropped.  Nonetheless, the armaments turned out to be good for one thing as we were all able to enjoy a pyrotechnics display.  A couple of small cannons were fired off with the only damage being done to some wooden stumps.

We all enjoyed the national pass-time of extreme badminton.  It is played similar to regular badminton except that the court has no lines, there are alternate players that can be tagged in anytime someone starts to get a bit winded.  The extreme-birdie has been altered to be heavier that a regulation one.  The result of this is that it will leave a nice bruise when it is spiked into an opponent.  I personally indulged in the second national pass-time which is chasing-children-around-and kicking-their-butts-after-they-steal-my-hat.  I am lobbying the Olympic Committee to have this sport added to the next summer games.  Naturally, much Blue Beaver Beer was consumed.

All in all it was a delightful weekend which, of course, ended all too soon.  Now it’s back to the daily grind.

As Tim mentioned the other day, we recently attended a "Weird Al" concert.  Words can scarce begin to describe what an awesomely fantastic event this was.  If I made up a new word (awetastic) it might come close.  Before he even took the stage (and all through the concert, between songs) we were treated to clips from his assorted "Al-TV" specials.  Al specializes in hard hitting interviews with other performers.  These interviews never fail to shock; Eminem came out the closet during one, and during another, Al’s thought provoking questions left K-Fed speechless. 

As for the music, I have been saying for years now that Elvis was all well and good for his time but "Weird Al" is the new King of, not just rock’n'roll, but all musical genres.  The evening started with a polka and just kept getting better and better.  He performed all the biggest hits off his most recent album, "Straight Outta Lynwood", culminating with him riding on a Segway on stage for "White & Nerdy".  Naturally he played the hits from previous albums as well.  He did the much loved Star Wars duo; "The Saga Begins" and "Yoda".  And he could hardly play a concert without going all the way back to the one that really started it all, "Eat It".

I could wax poetic on the awetasticness for hours, however I will attempt to abridge my thoughts for the sake of those with ADD.  The concert initially ended with a standing ovation and boisterous shouts of "encore" and "I love you" (I just couldn’t contain myself).  Then Al and his band (Steve Jay, Jim West, Jon "Bermuda" Schwartz and Reuben Valtierra) came back out and played the smash hit that he co-wrote with Michael Stipe; "We All Have Cell Phones (So Come On Let’s Get Real)" followed by the  longest song he has ever recorded (11:22), Albuquerque.  This was made even longer for the live version by adding more varieties of doughnuts.  The whole crowd went nuts during this song when Al said that he fulfilled his life long dream by getting a job at Tim Horton’s.  After he finished up, he was given a second standing ovation. 

After-wards I was so wired, Tim and I went over to The Redneck Bar & Grill and had some Blue Beavers until I stopped vibrating.  A "Weird Al" concert is the only thing I have encountered that I can say is better than a Blue Beaver Beer.

I’ve known Ernie for a long time. Other than his love for Blue Beaver Beer and cooking, he really gets stoked when Weird Al comes to Alberta. It has been quite a few years since the comic genius’ last visit, so we made sure to book tickets in advance and head on down to cowtown.
If you’ve never been to a Weird Al concert, you really don’t know what you are missing. He does a costume change between almost all of the songs, and there is always a couple pieces that I haven’t heard on an album. Of course, if you don’t like comedy and slapstick humour (Canadian spelling, just for you, RT!) , don’t bother going to a Weird Al Yankovic concert. You might as well find somewhere to be incredibly serious, alone,  and maybe, in pain.
I had a great time. There was no reserved seating, so we got there early enough to get floor seats. All the seating on the floor was around tables. Three hot Spanish girls sat at the same table as us, and one of them kept yelling "I love you!" toward the stage. Later, Weird Al ended up coming over to our table and sitting on one of the girl’s laps during one song. Definitely the high point of the evening.
Later I found out my wife was a tad bit peeved about me sitting with a bunch of crazy university girls. Who woulda thunk it.
Strangely, there was no Blue Beaver Beer at the concession. The rest of the night was so great it almost didn’t matter.

The other day I took advantage of the nice weather and went to the fair.  I took a stroll around the grounds and checked out all of the wondrous sights.  The vast selection of deep-fried, fatty, cholesterol and carbohydrate laden foods was astounding.  My arteries hardened just from the smell alone.  Then I went to see all of the games. 

Of course there were the usual suspects; the ring toss, basket toss, baseball toss, beaver toss, shoot the star and pop the balloon.  First I tried popping the balloons, but the darts weren’t sharp enough.  Then (since it was right behind me) I tried shooting out the star, but I ran out of ammo while I still had one point showing.  All of a sudden inspiration struck me.  I paid for a refill of ammo but instead of shooting the star I turned around and shot the balloons.  This worked out really well for me.  The carny gave me the biggest stuffed animal they had and then told me I also won a free ride on a very special attraction; the "Police Car".  It was great, they put the cuffs on me and put me in the back seat and then took me "downtown" and put me in a jail cell.  It was incredibly realistic. 

After I "made bail", I went back to the fair to see if there were any other rides I wanted to go on.  After the Police Car ride, though, nothing really appealed to me.  I was thinking about setting fire to one of the tents so that I might get to go on the Fire Truck ride, but something else caught my eye.

There was a reptile show going on.  They had a 20′ long python, a large turtle, an assortment of alligators and one crocodile.  They were really cool.  There was a sign saying you could have your picture taken with a reptile for $10.  I offered them $25 to let me put my head in the crocodile’s mouth, but they wouldn’t let me.

As I was leaving I saw a guy wearing a rather strange outfit.  I went in for a closer look and it turned out he was a one man band.  He had a guitar, harmonica, snare drum, bass drum, cymbal and a cowbell.  He was pretty amazing and best of all he performed the "Spiderman" theme song.  I was going to buy him a drink at the beer gardens, but they didn’t serve Blue Beaver Beer, so I had to go home.

Like Ernie (see Hot Enough For You?), many people will have a hard time with this warm weather. Even between the air  conditioned car and the air conditioned office can seem like miles of hot, steamy hell. For those of us who have to work outside, it can be a real challenge. And then there’s the sleepless, sweaty night. No, not that time you took those siamese twins home. I mean sultry, stagnant in your face dead air heat.
What I like to do is to imagine that the sun and the heat are my friend. I don’t want to fight my friend, I want to get along. Without the sun, there would be no solar system, no plants, no warmth, no life.
Yes, the sun is my friend. It gives me life. It gives me a reason to apply sunscreen so I don’t get radiation burns. It gives me fruit and vegetables. It gives me solar flares which cause my cell phone to drop calls. It gives me sunsets and sunrises. It gives me sweat and suffering.
Okay, so maybe the sun is like one of those friends you have in school that likes to give you a wedgie now and then, or dunk your head in the toilet bowl. But he’s always there for you! He might trip you in the hallway, but he’s got your back if you get in trouble. So try to appreciate the sun . The world would be a dark place without it.

Sunday marked the 1st birthday of my nephew, Booker.  Naturally, the family held a huge bash to celebrate this important milestone.  Much Blue Beaver Beer (and some Blue Beaver Apple Juice) was consumed; the former, mainly by myself and the latter, mainly by Booker.  The presents were abundant with new clothing and new books and a fully functional one-twentieth scale replica of Noah’s ark.  It comes complete with fully functional scale replicas of all the animals and Noah himself.  I gave Booker a 5 foot long snake.  It is a constrictor, of course, since it would be just plain irresponsible to give a one year old a poisonous snake (wait until he’s five).

My sister baked a birthday cowboy boot.  She wouldn’t share her technique but it ended up being so tender and moist and delicious that it tasted just like a cake.  For supper we had imitation-marmot burgers with zebra cheese, they tasted so much like the real thing you never would have guessed they were made from beef.  And there was a delightful pasta salad with olives which were hand picked and imported directly from Kalamata, Greece just 24 hours prior to the party.

After the meal, Booker toasted us all with his apple juice and thanked everybody for coming to celebrate his first of many, many birthdays.  Then he apologized that he was feeling rather worn out (it had been a full day), he had a long bath to relax and then retired for the evening.  He got up around 5 a.m. the next morning and was ready to continue the party.  Unfortunately, none of the older generation has that kind of stamina anymore, so he was forced to entertain himself.

With Canada Day and July the Fourth over for another year, most people will forget about fireworks displays and forge ahead with their lives, content to go without fountains of sparks, crackling stars, airbursts, dancing ‘fish’ and sky rockets with little parachutes and flags in them. Sure maybe some of you will be lucky enough to see some action on New Years Eve. Don’t get distracted, I’m still talking fireworks here. Keep your mind out of the gutter will yah?
It doesn’t have to be this way. There can be other times that a good pyrotechnics display would be appropriate, so read the list and think about it. But remember, if you go and get yourself arrested or if a lot of people think you are an idiot, you didn’t read this here. I take no responsibility for encouraging you to do anything illegal, dangerous or foolhardy. Just call me so I can bring the camcorder!

Getting a new job, promotion or raise
Doesn’t this sound like a good excuse for a little celebration? Just go down to the ole company parking lot and let a few rip! Then light some fireworks. If the parking is underground, then you are really in for a show. Just remove your car first.

Getting Fired
Sometimes, you just gotta go with the flow. Isn’t it a big relief to be free of that nasty job and all those loser co-workers? Just resist the urge to shoot the fireworks at the boss and those loser ex-co-workers. Here again, underground parking could really spice things up a little.

A New Baby
Just don’t use the fireworks near the baby, or you will probably hear crying.

Birthdays
Forget those lame little candles. Shoot off a good rocket for every year old. Grandma will be so impressed. Don’t try to blow out a roman candle, however. Things could go astray.

Weddings
Rice throwing is so outdated. Try lighting cherry bombs or something. Get permission to blast off a few beforehand so there aren’t any surprises on their ’special day’. Remember, Dresses are very flammable, so keep your distance from the Bride and Bridesmaids if you light any fireworks at a wedding.

Whenever You Win Something
When the candidate you voted for gets into office. When your team pulls it off. When you finally beat Final Fantasy XVI. Good time to light up the sky.
What we like to do at times like these in our little hick town, is get a truck, load it full of fireworks and alcohol, and drive around with one guy in the back just shootin’ em’ off. The guys in the cab yell and cheer and drink moonshine. You can hear a banjo playing in the background as the truck swerves wildly down the road. Yee hah!
Not really, but you gotta admit that would be kinda fun to watch, especially when the cops got there. Spinning red and blue lights are almost as good as fireworks.

Now don’t go out and do anything illegal, dangerous or foolhardy, kids. Unless you already have a  video camera ready so we can all see it. Seriously though, please film it. I mean, stay out of trouble and lead a safe, boring life.

It’s been a little hard to get back into the swing of things. All that time sitting around on the houseboat drinking beer wore me out. I need to slim back down!
This whopper we caught off the back of the boat really put up a fight. It took a lot of effort but we managed to pull this huge fish in. We released it back into the water, it was too big to keep!
We didn’t bother to take pictures of all the other much bigger fish we caught. We didn’t want to brag and make others jealous.

As the Canada Day long week-end approached I was faced with quite the dilemma. I had so many options as to where I could go to get completely hammered celebrate my Canadian heritage in a meaningful way. I could have made the long journey down to Calgary or I could have gone out to Evergreen. I was invited to go out to the mountains or I could have traveled down to the Ponds of Bower in my hometown. That’s the only drawback to having such an outgoing, charismatic personality; everyone wants such a person to spend his/her time with them. In the end though I decided to make the trip out to the Sovereign Nation of Sebekia. I packed a special gift; a Blue Beaver Beer basket.

Even though Sebekia has technically seceded from Canada, it’s rulers still have a certain fondness for the “Old Country”, plus the King jumps at any excuse for a pyrotechnics display. I was allowed entry after I gifted the ruler with prodigious amounts of Blue Beaver Beer and screamin’ hot chicken wings. A very elite group of people had gathered together in the small country to partake in the generosity of Sebekia’s royal family. Although we were all there to have a good time, it was done with a distinct air of grace and dignity (not like a drunken Canada Day bash in someplace like New Toronto). Even the children were on their best behavior, playing quietly away from the adults and not vexing their parents at all. The dogs never became excited nor did they bark incessantly whenever new arrivals showed up.
At dusk the entire Sebekia armed forces came out and fired off the cannons, much to everyones delight. After it was fully dark all of the revelers enjoyed the biggest and best fireworks display ever seen in the country. Then for the rest of the night everybody visited amicably and much Blue Beaver Beer was consumed in a responsible fashion.

On Friday, I attended a birthday party for my Facebook friend Kelly.  She turned a quarter century and felt a powerful urge to celebrate.  A vast contingent of her friends and family all gathered at "The Cow & Canary Pub" and had a true shindig.  The main entertainment was karaoke, which always makes for an..interesting evening.  Some people’s singing is bearable (at least as good as The Village People), but other people really shouldn’t be allowed to torture innocent bystanders (like the way Nickelback does).  I just tried to tune out the bad and only pay attention to the good not bad.

I wanted to buy Kelly a couple of Blue Beaver Beers but, unbelievably, this pub didn’t serve Blue Beaver.  Obviously, it is a low class establishment.  I was forced to settle for Cricket Ale. 

Partway through the evening, I found the opportunity to sit down with Kelly’s boyfriend, Kevin.  Since he is a professional philosopher and I fancy myself something of an armchair philosopher, we had a fascinating conversation.  As with any really good philosophical debate, we didn’t allow facts to get in the way of our conclusions.

Apparently though, philosophy is frowned upon at this particular establishment.  At 2 a.m., when we were just getting to the point where we could draw a conclusive decision about whether it would be Superman or The Hulk who would win in a fight, the staff turned on their "get-the-hell-out lights" and we were forced to leave.  Fortunately, Kevin’s house was just a short distance away and we were able to continue the party discussion there.  Shortly after we arrived , we put in the movie "The Omega Man" starring the great Charlton Heston.  This brought on an entirely new debate regarding who kicked a$$ harder, Charlton Heston or Kurt Russel’s character in "Escape From New York", Snake Plisken. 

After many more (good natured) arguments we were all feeling rather tired, so Kelly suggested we adjourn until a later date.  All in all it was one of the most enjoyable 25th birthday/philosophy parties I have ever attended, despite the lack of Blue Beaver Beer.