Redneck Bar & Grill

Recently I found myself walking amongst a large group of total strangers.  As I walked around I naturally overheard brief snippets of various conversations.  Some things I heard really made me shake my head and wonder if these people had been smoking poppies or something.

There were two young ladies admiring a sword at one vendors booth.  One turned to the other and said something along the lines of, "Show me how much you love me by buying me this $250 sword."  To which the other one replied, "I don’t love you that much."  I can only imagine the devastation the first young lady must have felt.  It was such a simple request to have someone demonstrate her love by purchasing a material object.  Many are the occasions that I have wanted to fix an exact dollar figure to the amount of love that my friends and family have for me; alas I am too afraid of rejection to ever put my feelings on the line like that.

Later on in the day there were two small boys (about 12ish).  The first one exclaimed, "I bought a wooden sword, so now I’m a ninja!"  I had to turn away so he didn’t see me laughing at him.  I suppose when I was that age I probably felt the pretty much the same.  As long as you have a wooden replica of a ninja weapon you have no need for any sort of actual study of or training in the art of Ninjutsu.  Although you do have to watch a few movies on the subject.  Nowadays I suppose the biggest star in that genre is Jet Li.  When I was that age I really admired Sho Kosugi, especially in the movie, "Ninja III: The Domination".  I also read a few ninja magazines and I bought a book called "Secrets of Ninja Mind Control".  So at that time I definitely felt that I was well on the way to becoming a true ninja warrior.  Now that I am all grown up, I look back and laugh at my own foolishness.  I realize that in order to be a ninja I have to buy a real metal sword.

Then I heard a guy talking (I never actually saw him) and I swear to you he sounded a lot like Comic Book Guy from "The Simpsons".  He said, "Mr. Park, since you played a Sith Lord, could you talk about the seven forms of light sabre combat?"  I could only speculate that if this guy thinks that actors are actually one and the same as the characters that they play, then he probably believes that Tim and I just sit around drinking Blue Beaver Beer and roasting hot dogs with a tiger torch all the time.

So as I was saying, when I woke up on Sunday morning I found myself in some sort of a parallel world.  I was in a grand room and surrounded by many many people.  First, I saw Jango Fett, then Bobba Fett and then several Imperial Stormtroopers went by.  I noticed that one of the Stormtroopers seemed a bit short, which I thought was a bit odd seeing as they are  all clones of the same man.  But imagine my shock when he removed his helmet and not only was he short, he was also blonde and he was a she!  Something was wrong.  Then I caught sight of Xena-Warrior Princess headed my way.  Naturally I was excited; but as she approached I saw that since her t.v. show ended she must have really fell upon hard times.  She looked to have aged quite a bit and she put on some weight; aside from her leather dress she didn’t look familiar at all.

Then just when I was questioning reality, I saw Supergirl.  Let me tell you, she looked good…really good.  So I followed her (at a safe distance) for a while.  Later on I saw Booster Gold with Skeets, but he had also turned into a girl.  What was both exciting and upsetting was when I saw the Incredible Hulk (the real one, not some computer generated piece of…drek) but I guess most of the gamma radiation has leaked out of him over the years.  Now the only part of him that’s green is his upper torso, it almost looked like he was actually just wearing a green t-shirt.

I wandered around in a daze seeing familiar characters who just didn’t look right (Nightwing, Robin and Batgirl to name but three) then I saw my comic book guy Dave.  I went over and talked to him for a few minutes and he seemed normal.  Then as I was walking away, out of the corner of my eye I noticed the banner advertising his store didn’t say, "The Bookworm’s Den" it said, "Amazing Fantasy".

This last one just left me completely numb.  I wandered into a curtained off area and took a seat.  There were three people on a stage answering questions from the audience.  I didn’t really hear what they were saying my mind was on fire.  Eventually I blacked out and when I came to I was safe in my own bed and everything seemed alright.  But I have found a picture on my camera of the three people on the stage.  I will offer a reward to anyone who can identify them and name at least one character that they have portrayed.  Just leave me an answer in the comments section below.

Hello to all of my fans out there.  I have been deluged with e-mails wondering where I’ve been for that last few days.  I want to say thank-you to everyone who expresses their concern; I am doing fine now.  The reason that you haven’t heard from me for a couple of days is because I was kidnapped by a crazed goth chick.  She forced me to dress up as Jason Voorhies and alternately chase her around with a machete then fold her laundry.  It was a nightmarish experience but I was able to get away after she posed for a picture for me. 

But then this morning had another completely surreal experience.  When I awoke I found myself in a strange place surrounded by people who were familiar to me and yet somehow they were not quite…right.  I will tell you all about it and show you a picture tomorrow.

I have been reading a book entitled, "The Science of Aliens" by Clifford Pickover.  The concept of the book is to look at life forms that exist under extreme conditions here on Earth and then extrapolate  and apply that to how life might develop on other planets. 

In one chapter the author discusses how we might send messages to extra-terrestrials.  One idea is to use a science called anticryptography; which is to design a code that is as easy as possible to decipher.  I find this to be a fascinating idea.  Therefore here is my own anticryptographic message: 

D R I N K B L U E B E A V E R B E E R

Since it’s my very first attempt at this I can’t say for sure if it will be easy enough to decipher.  If you can’t figure it out (or even if you can) just leave me a comment and maybe I can give you a hint.

A few years back I got a brilliant idea for a Halloween costume.  I saw a really cool picture of somebody dressed as Death.  So I decided to do the same.  My grandmother hand sewed a long black robe with a deep hood.  My sister helped me do my makeup, so that my face actually looked like a skull. I even made a scythe; the handle was wood but the blade was just stiff cardboard covered with tin foil (since I was going out in public I wanted to be careful not to accidentally hurt anyone) but it looked pretty real in dim lighting.

So I went out and I was having a great time.  I was getting lot’s of candy and scaring the bejezzus out of people.  But then something really weird happened.  Everyone who was dressed up, actually became the thing they were pretending to be.  For example, one guy actually became an army commando, this other girl became a real ghost and I became the living embodiment of Death, The Grim Reaper. 

I instinctively knew who was going to die and I went to them and reaped their immortal souls.  I also knew exactly how they were about to die and I knew what was going to happen to them after their death.  I was not evil I was merely a force of nature maintaining a balance of life.

When the sun rose this strange phenomenon ended and everyone became themselves again.  I don’t really remember everything that happened to me that night.  I can’t recall what happens to our souls after death.  All I know is, that night had a profound effect on me.  I now understand that death is completely natural and necessary, but at the same time I realize just how precious and wonderful life is.  I never take my existence for granted anymore.

Okay, my roommate just read what I wrote and she said that didn’t really happen to me at all.  It was on an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".  But that doesn’t change the lesson I learned from the show.  It just proves that you don’t have to leave the house to have a life-altering experience, you just have to really get into a t.v. show.  It also proves just how utterly amazing Joss Whedon is.