Re-imagine This You Meatheads!

The other day, I was hanging out over at The Rundown.  Our Beer Buddy, Manodogs, was talking about an upcoming remake of the Wes Craven classic, House on the Left.  It got me to thinking about all of the recent and upcoming remakes, not just of horror movies (the guy who directed Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video is going to be helming a Nightmare on Elm Street remake) but also of all the “classics“.  For example; Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly will star in Saturday Night Fever, Will Smith will direct a new Karate Kid and Zac Effron will fill Kevin Bacon’s shoes in a “re-imagined” Footloose. There are plenty of rumours on the internet about all of these, so I decided that I would start my own rumour in hopes that it would get passed around and eventually some movie studio exec would decide that it is really a good idea and would go ahead and make the project.  Now all of you will be my witnesses that I thought of it first and then I can get an Executive Producer credit on the movie.  So here’s the rumour that you can all pass along to anyone who will listen.

It was recently announced that a major Hollywood studio has secured the rights to produce a complete re-imagining of the classic film Casablanca.  According to an inside source, McG (of Charlie’s Angels fame) has been tapped as the director.  Early information has pointed to Will Smith assuming the role of Rick Blaine made famous by Humphrey Bogart, the female lead is expected to go Jennifer Lopez with the role of the piano player Sam being taken over by none other than Bruce Campbell. Although nothing has been confirmed yet, Will Smith’s people have indicated that “he may be open to” doing an unnamed project with McG.

Now, personally I completely support what Hollywood is doing with all their remakes/re-imagining.  Why bother putting a whole lot of time and effort into creating something original when you can just take what someone else made, put one or two new twists on it, modernize it and then put you own name on it.  That’s much easier.  I do it all the time in the kitchen at The Redneck.  I just remake something that I saw on the Food Network and then say it’s my own.

February 14, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , | 18 Comments »

Relationship Advice For Men – Give Your Lady Synthetic Grass

I’m certain everyone is aware that Monday nights at the Redneck we have our weekly Bar-room Brawls.  The event has grown considerably since it first started and we have had to make a few changes.  First of all our tag-team champions, Tammy-The-Mom-Who-Knows-Everything and The-Absolutely-True-Gerri, retired undefeated.  They decided that since no one could beat them, it was only fair to let someone else have a fighting chance.  Every now and again though, they dullen up their trusty-rusty knives and step back into the ring just to knock the current champions down a notch.

In addition we decided it was best to build a separate area adjacent to the bar.  Known as the Medium Round Gardens, the arena can seat 12 with standing room for 5 more and it has been filled to capacity on more than one occasion.  It started out as just a tent on the lawn, but all those people tramping around combined with all of the actual fighting really tore up the grass.  That’s why we made the decision to instal synthetic grass.  Seeing as it is much more resilient than the real stuff it really stands up to the pounding it takes on a weekly basis.

Since we built the arena we felt it would probably be best if we diversified a bit and found some other uses for it.  From time to time we book concerts, both White Noise and Flailed Cabbage were complete sell outs (the shows, I mean, not the bands themselves).  We also have had a few guest speakers.  In fact just last week we had two speakers come in for a special pre-Valentine’s Day seminar.  Both speakers offered their unique relationship advice for men.

I don’t want to give too much away (because I might get sued) but I want to offer some review/preview of what you can expect if you ever have the chance to attend one of their seminars.  Anne-Michelle Smythe said that if you are a rich, older man you should very seriously consider marrying a women in her early twenties.  She will do things for you on your honeymoon that you will remember until your dying day.  In fact she will most likely continue to do such things until your dying day.  On the other side of the spectrum, Bernie Wedgeman has been married four times and now is a self-described “born again bachelor”.  He advises that you really can buy love and purchasing it by the hour is far more affordable than paying for it for the rest of your life.

Personally, I am still hoping to get Larry Winget to do his seminar here at the Redneck.  He claims he can prove that “People Are Idiots”.  I would sure like to know more on that subject.  Soon I am sure that we will find even more uses for the Medium Round Gardens maybe we could host the UFC sometime; you know the Under Foot Children.

January 20, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , , , | 65 Comments »

Where The Hell Have You Been?!

Hello everybody out there in internet-land; Ernie here again.  I guess it’s been a few days since you last heard from me.  I suspect many of you have been wondering where I’ve been.  Well, I have been on an extensive sabbatical.  I have journeyed far and wide throughout this whole wide house searching for the meaning of life.  Alas, it has eluded me.  Maybe someday I’ll make it up write it down and post it for you.  However, I have found something that will help to add meaning to everyone else’s lives; a video game.

As you may recall, a little while back “Weird Al” Yankovic played at The Redneck.  Now I have been a Close Personal Friend of Al for quite some time and after the concert he and I got to talking about doing a project together.  We started talking about collaborating on an album but then I came across something that changed my mind.  Nikki Sixx wrote a book of “memoirs” about all his wonderful experiences as a smack addict; and then he formed his own band and recorded a soundtrack for the book.  Now, I figure that kind of self-parody is so damn funny that Al and I couldn’t possibly compete with it.

Then the Christmas season was upon us and everyone who was anyone was out buying Guitar Hero – World Tour or Rock Band (anybody who didn’t want their children to grow up and hate them forever was careful to purchase both along with all available expansion packs).  So Al and I got to thinking about kids who already had these games and were already bored of them.  What could we do to help these poor unfortunate, underprivileged urchins?  I took a stroll through the park to help clear my mind and open it up to new ideas.  At one point I started to think about how human perception is so funny.  Why does a Frisbee appear to grow larger the closer it gets to you?  Then it hit me.

After I woke up, I suddenly knew what we could do.  I called Al right away and we talked it out at length; and thus was born Accordion Hero.  Soon everyone will be able to play a fake accordion just as well as they can play a fake guitar.  At the same time we will be launching a completely separate, utterly non-compatible game called Polka Band.  It comes with the accordion, a mandolin and a ukulele.  For percussion, you’ll be able to do it just like Jon “Bermuda” Schwartz did when “Weird Al” first recorded his smash hit, “Another One Rides The Bus”; you just hit the accordion case with your hands (that way you’ll keep it real). To start out you can cut your teeth and practice your chops on “Weird Al”s greatest polkas; “Polka Your Eyes Out”, “Angry White Boy Polka” and “The Way Moby Polka”.  As well as some classics made famous by The Polka King – Frank Yankovic; “The Too Fat Polka” and “The Beer Barrel Polka”  Once you’ve mastered these, every two months you can purchase (or rather have your parents purchase for you) a new expansion disc with a few more songs on it; and in a year we’ll have the completely brand-new, also non-compatible, Polka Band 2: Garage Polka Band that you won’t be able to live without.

Both Accordion Hero and Polka Band will be available on Brown Tuesday (the day after the Canadian Thanksgiving, the biggest shopping day of the year for leaf raking implements and garbage bags).  For now though you can try the online-beta version of Accordion Hero.

January 13, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , | 9 Comments »

Steve, Guru of the Trade Show

I always picture Gurus sitting on a bed of nails, playing some weird instrument to a dancing snake while a rope hangs in mid-air and a flying carpet carries a blue genie with hoop ear rings slowly by… yeah, I know. That is a Fakir, but that’s what I see in my head.

I know that isn’t an accurate representation of a guru, especially Steve, the Trade Show Guru. So, what does Steve do, if he doesn’t sit around all relaxed and such on a bed of nails playing music for poisonous reptiles?

By Day, Steve works for a company selling trade show displays.

By night, he dons his heroic cape of justice and fights crime in his fair city. And, in his spare time, he pursues his online ventures. Such as the Trade Show Guru, an interesting blog about all sorts of topics including trade shows, movie reviews, parenthood, and more. He also works on Pinnacle Displays, a web site about portable trade show displays.

As if that isn’t enough, Steve comments on quite a few blogs. He can be counted on for insightful, relevant and interesting comments. Here are just a few from this blog.

“reminds me of the Seinfeld where Kramer has a horse-drawn carriage and feeds the horse a gallon can of Beef-A-Reeno (he got a case of it at Costco and doesn’t know what to do with it). Anyway, based on what happened to the horse I would definitely rather sit on the horse than behind the horse!”

“PS. Please be sure to use a waterproof stamp on my envelope with the beer in it. I wouldn’t want the stamp coming off in the mail because the beer got the envelope wet.”

“You know I like reading this blog because of your video picks, but I can’t believe you’re condoning vandalism. Didn’t you see those bad girls spray-painting graffiti on the car? Am I the only person around here that believes in the law? Those girls need a spanking! Am I going to have to do that too? Well, if I must. I also saw them jumping on the bed, which everyone knows is a big no no. Looks like a double spanking!”

Steve has been all around an awesome visitor to the Redneck Bar and Grill, and he knows his Strange Brew. In light of this, we are sending him a complimentary beer basket, via Gmail. This one will have all the usual ingredients, such as ice cold Blue Beaver Beer, Sliced dried rhinoceros pizzle, and three fried beans. As a special treat, we managed to locate some extra hot Habanero jelly, since we know just how much Steve enjoys the spice of life. Thanks for visiting and drinking our beer, Steve!

December 5, 2008 | | Tags: , , , , , | 5 Comments »