celebrities | Redneck Bar & Grill

Please Support This Worthy Cause

I would like to take this opportunity to call everyone’s attention to a growing problem that’s facing our society. There is a disease that is beginning to afflict more and more of the people who are near and dear to us. This disease hit young and old, male and female alike. I am certain that right now, off the top of your head, you could name three or four people who are suffering from this disease. I am speaking, of course, about Celebrity Alcoholic Syndrome.

You can identify people who have Celebrity Alcoholic Syndrome by watching for the symptoms: they eat cheeseburgers off of the floor, forget to put on underwear then expose themselves when they get out of a car, use racial slurs when arrested for drinking and driving, their shows/personal appearances get canceled by their publicist due to “exhaustion”. Also, anyone who makes out with Madonna has a very serious problem that needs professional help.

As you know; Dr. Drew, working alongside reality t.v., has been doing everything he can to try to cure the “Z-list” celebrities. However, he is only one man with one reality show. We need more celebrity “doctors” and far more shows.

To help with this important cause, The Redneck Bar and Grill will be distributing ribbons that can be worn on you lapel or put on the back of your car in order to show your support for finding a cure for Celebrity Alcoholic Syndrome. We want to get as many of our patrons as possible wearing these puke-green ribbons to help raise awareness. As well, The Blue Beaver Brewing Company will be launching a new advertising campaign; “When you’re feeling blue, grab a Beaver. But if you’re a celebrity, please grab your Beaver responsibly.”

What’s LaToya Jackson Been Smoking?

I saw an article in the paper the other day that caught my eye (and you know how painful that can be). LaToya Jackson is saying she believes that her brother was murdered by a group of conspirators who are trying to get hold of his fortune. She went on to say that she knows who is responsible and is determined to bring them to justice.

I guess now that Michael is gone, LaToya wants to be the wacko one in the family. I’ve heard reports that Michael didn’t have any money due to the various lawsuits against him. Supposedly, that was the reason behind his fifty concert dates in London. He was attempting to earn enough money to pay off all his debts.

As long as we’re making up crazy theories; allow me to present a more plausible one. If any celebrity was murdered by a group of conspirators for his money; I would think it would be Ed McMahon. Some people wanted to get their hands on his Publishers Clearing House millions. They whacked him, made it look like natural causes and then they must have worked out some way to get the money. I don’t really know all the details, I am hesitant to name anyone who is involved and I certainly don’t have any proof; but that’s the great thing about conspiracy theories. A person just has to say that they believe that there was a conspiracy and then challenge everyone else to disprove it. If someone says, “An autopsy confirmed that it was natural causes.”, you can just respond by saying, “That’s what they want you to think.” Who can possibly argue with that rock-solid logic.
But then again, maybe it wasn’t a group of people. Maybe it was a lone gunman. One person who finally grew tired of hearing about how he “might already be a winner” but never actually won anything. He just snapped and went after McMahon, causing a series of injuries over a number of years; the cumulative effect of which eventually resulted in his death.

I Went To The Opera And All I Got Was This Lousy Organ Transplant

And speaking of not-on-Broadway Musicals; the other day I saw REPO! The Genetic Opera. Well, to be precise it was the movie adaptation of the opera. It kind of an unusual show, to say the least. It’s set in the not too distant future, after a worldwide epidemic of organ failures. A vast number of people die before a company called Geneco develops a solution. They come up with a drug called Zydrate that makes organ transplants a very easy procedure. Then, for anyone who can’t afford a transplant, Geneco also offers financing. The only catch is, if you miss payment they send out the Repo-Man to recover their property. Naturally, this leads to a lot of gore.

When I rented the movie I was expecting it to be along the lines of The Rocky Horror Picture Show or The Phantom of the Paradise; a lot of singing mixed in with the dialogue. However, apparently the producers wanted REPO! to be like a “real” opera which is entirely singing. So, there is about five minutes total spoken dialogue in the movie. At first this really threw me for a loop. After I finished watching it, I couldn’t really decide whether or not I liked it. My opinion was that it had a pretty interesting story, but they needed to talk more and sing a little less. Although there were a couple of songs that I did really like; Zydrate Anatomy performed by the Grave-robber and Amber Sweet and Infected where Shilo laments her fate. However, after I slept on it I realized that I did very much enjoy the movie. I even watched it again before I returned it.

There are some surprisingly good performances in the movie. It stars; Paul Sorvino, Anthony Stewart Head, Bill Mosely, Alexa Vega, Sarah Brightman and Paris Hilton. Darren Lynn Bousman is the director. Now; I have, on occasion, made fun of Paris (although who hasn’t jumped on that ass bandwagon) but I have to say she turned in a really good performance as Amber Sweet in this movie. Both her acting and her singing are very good. As far as I have been able to determine, all of the actors also sang their songs and most of them do a very good job of it. In my opinion though, Paul Sorvino’s singing was the weak link, but his acting was solid.

So if you like to see some blood and guts and you have a desire to hear a rock-opera, you should check out REPO! The Genetic Opera. You can rent it, or I understand that it is playing in select theatres this summer or maybe you’ll even be lucky enough to catch a live performance in a city near you.

I’m A Celebrity, Get Me A Coffin

So, I guess by now the recent deaths of various celebrities is old news. But, I’ve been lazy afflicted with the weasel flu so I haven’t had a chance to comment on them until now.

The one that everybody is talking about is, of course, the “King of Pop” Michael Jackson. His demise has completely overshadowed the departures of Farrah Fawcett and Ed (You May Already Be A Winner) McMahon. Also, no one is talking about David Carradine anymore. I suppose he’s last weeks news (literally).

Although the causes of deaths of Ed and Farrah are fully known (and therefore not at all interesting) MJ’s death is shrouded in mystery and thus is a huge source of “news”. I do not care to speculate on the cause of him ceasing to be, however I would like to present a controversial theory as to the real reason behind all of the celebrities shuffling off this mortal coil at the same time.

As we all know, Hollywood celebrities are completely bereft of actual personalities. They only say and do what their agents tell them will get the common people talking. They are also very fond of copying one another. If Madonna buys adopts a child, Brangelina have to buy adopt one. If Mel Gibson gets a D.U.I., Keifer Sutherland and Lindsay Lohan have to get one too. If Brad Pitt sleeps with the nanny Jon Gosselin has to as well (Jon and Kate were barely even celebrities until they started having “marital troubles”). Therefore, following this “logic” David Carradine died and it got everyone talking so a few more celebrities decided they should expire and go to meet their maker. Unfortunately for McMahon and Fawcett Wacko-Jacko is stealing all of the thunder.

Now, I’ve already heard some speculation that perhaps Mikey faked his death; either to get out of some lawsuits pending against him or as some sort of over-the-top publicity stunt to promote an upcoming world tour. Either way, if he’s wants to re-invent himself all he has to do is dye himself black and no one will ever recognize him.

Re-imagine This You Meatheads!

The other day, I was hanging out over at The Rundown. Our Beer Buddy, Manodogs, was talking about an upcoming remake of the Wes Craven classic, House on the Left. It got me to thinking about all of the recent and upcoming remakes, not just of horror movies (the guy who directed Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video is going to be helming a Nightmare on Elm Street remake) but also of all the “classics“. For example; Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly will star in Saturday Night Fever, Will Smith will direct a new Karate Kid and Zac Effron will fill Kevin Bacon’s shoes in a “re-imagined” Footloose. There are plenty of rumours on the internet about all of these, so I decided that I would start my own rumour in hopes that it would get passed around and eventually some movie studio exec would decide that it is really a good idea and would go ahead and make the project. Now all of you will be my witnesses that I thought of it first and then I can get an Executive Producer credit on the movie. So here’s the rumour that you can all pass along to anyone who will listen.

It was recently announced that a major Hollywood studio has secured the rights to produce a complete re-imagining of the classic film Casablanca. According to an inside source, McG (of Charlie’s Angels fame) has been tapped as the director. Early information has pointed to Will Smith assuming the role of Rick Blaine made famous by Humphrey Bogart, the female lead is expected to go Jennifer Lopez with the role of the piano player Sam being taken over by none other than Bruce Campbell. Although nothing has been confirmed yet, Will Smith’s people have indicated that “he may be open to” doing an unnamed project with McG.

Now, personally I completely support what Hollywood is doing with all their remakes/re-imagining. Why bother putting a whole lot of time and effort into creating something original when you can just take what someone else made, put one or two new twists on it, modernize it and then put you own name on it. That’s much easier. I do it all the time in the kitchen at The Redneck. I just remake something that I saw on the Food Network and then say it’s my own.

Watch Captain America On Our New Bar Sound System

Have you heard about the new Captain America movie? Well, at this point there isn’t really a whole lot to hear. They are tentatively aiming for a 2011 release date. Before that, though, there will be Iron Man 2, in which Nick Fury is supposed to play a larger role. There is also talk of a Thor movie (rumour on the internet suggests that Matthew McConaughey could maybe, possibly, have some slight chance of being in the title role). All of this (including The Hulk) in turn will eventually lead to The Avengers. You may recall a previous Avengers movie starring Ralph Fiennes , Uma Thurman and that old guy who was in a couple of James Bond movies, but that’s totally different so just forget I even brought it up.

At any rate all of us Fanboys and Girls out there are eagerly anticipating all of the Marvel movies that are on the horizon. But at the same time we are pretty worried about what they’ll end up being. Could they end up another festering bowl of dog snot like the first Hulk or Batman and Robin or will they actually stick really close to the source material the way Iron Man did? Only time (and spoilers on the internet) will tell.

One thing I can say for certain is that when these movies do eventually come to Pay-Per-View on satellite; they’ll look and sound awesome on our new 75” plasma t.v. and bar sound system that were recently installed down here at the Redneck. We didn’t get the LCD flat screen TV system from those shifty-looking guys Tim met on the Whitemud.

Instead I got a great deal from two distinguished gentlemen that had a van set up in the parking lot of a mall just off of Crowchild Trail. They said that they were “mobile wholesale liquidators” and it was my lucky day to have come along when I did. Apparently, not ten minutes earlier, someone else was looking at the system and was very interested in buying it. He just had to go to a bank machine. The only drawback was that they had lost the instruction manuals and it was one of those special “open-box” deals (or rather no box), but that’s what made the system so inexpensive. So I went ahead and used some of our petty cash fund to seal the deal. I invited these guys to come down to The Redneck if they were in the area. I didn’t want to seem overly eager but I kind of hoped that they might come by with some more great deals on electronic equipment and I could get a cheap home-theatre system for my own place. One strange thing, as I was just getting in my car to leave I overheard one of them say something about changing the license plate before the doughnut eaters showed up. I haven’t got a clue what they meant by that.

Where The Hell Have You Been?!

Hello everybody out there in internet-land; Ernie here again. I guess it’s been a few days since you last heard from me. I suspect many of you have been wondering where I’ve been. Well, I have been on an extensive sabbatical. I have journeyed far and wide throughout this whole wide house searching for the meaning of life. Alas, it has eluded me. Maybe someday I’ll make it up write it down and post it for you. However, I have found something that will help to add meaning to everyone else’s lives; a video game.

As you may recall, a little while back “Weird Al” Yankovic played at The Redneck. Now I have been a Close Personal Friend of Al for quite some time and after the concert he and I got to talking about doing a project together. We started talking about collaborating on an album but then I came across something that changed my mind. Nikki Sixx wrote a book of “memoirs” about all his wonderful experiences as a smack addict; and then he formed his own band and recorded a soundtrack for the book. Now, I figure that kind of self-parody is so damn funny that Al and I couldn’t possibly compete with it.

Then the Christmas season was upon us and everyone who was anyone was out buying Guitar Hero – World Tour or Rock Band (anybody who didn’t want their children to grow up and hate them forever was careful to purchase both along with all available expansion packs). So Al and I got to thinking about kids who already had these games and were already bored of them. What could we do to help these poor unfortunate, underprivileged urchins? I took a stroll through the park to help clear my mind and open it up to new ideas. At one point I started to think about how human perception is so funny. Why does a Frisbee appear to grow larger the closer it gets to you? Then it hit me.

After I woke up, I suddenly knew what we could do. I called Al right away and we talked it out at length; and thus was born Accordion Hero. Soon everyone will be able to play a fake accordion just as well as they can play a fake guitar. At the same time we will be launching a completely separate, utterly non-compatible game called Polka Band. It comes with the accordion, a mandolin and a ukulele. For percussion, you’ll be able to do it just like Jon “Bermuda” Schwartz did when “Weird Al” first recorded his smash hit, “Another One Rides The Bus”; you just hit the accordion case with your hands (that way you’ll keep it real). To start out you can cut your teeth and practice your chops on “Weird Al”s greatest polkas; “Polka Your Eyes Out”, “Angry White Boy Polka” and “The Way Moby Polka”. As well as some classics made famous by The Polka King – Frank Yankovic; “The Too Fat Polka” and “The Beer Barrel Polka” Once you’ve mastered these, every two months you can purchase (or rather have your parents purchase for you) a new expansion disc with a few more songs on it; and in a year we’ll have the completely brand-new, also non-compatible, Polka Band 2: Garage Polka Band that you won’t be able to live without.

Both Accordion Hero and Polka Band will be available on Brown Tuesday (the day after the Canadian Thanksgiving, the biggest shopping day of the year for leaf raking implements and garbage bags). For now though you can try the online-beta version of Accordion Hero.

“Weird Al” Yankovic Plays The Redneck Bar and Grill

…and it was frakking awesome! Words can barely express just how truly awesome it was (although the dictionary definition of the word comes close). Of course the after-party was pretty mind blowing as well; which is why it’s taken me 5 days to recover enough to write this review.

“Weird Al” took the stage with very little fanfare. No warm-up act, no introduction necessary. They played his song “Fun Zone” and he and the band (Jim West-guitar, Steve Jay-bass guitar, Ruben Valtierra-keyboards, and Jon “Bermuda” Schwartz on drums) came out and launched right into “Polka Your Eyes Out”. And everything just got better and better from there on.

“Weird Al” did costume changes for almost every song and to keep the audience entertained while they wait he shows clips from interviews he did with other performers on his “Al TV” show. Celine Dion, Steven Tyler, Emminem, and Jessica ~~Simpson~~ Sampson just to name a few. He always digs deep, peels back the layers, and finds out the real story that nobody knows.

Naturally he preformed all of his greatest hit. During “Eat It” when he sang the line “have some more bacon”, Cannucklehead just went ballistic. Then as soon as “Weird Al” came out on stage dressed in his “Fat” suit, J.D. threw herself at his feet and he had to wait for security to escort her back to her seat so he could perform the song. And when he got to the part where he repeats “ho” several times, an actual ho came out on stage carrying a hoe. Corrina laughed her ass off at that one ’cause she said she meets a lot of ho’s at her job.

R.T. came up all the way from the Philippines so that he could hear “White and Nerdy” live. I think maybe he wants to get a Segway of his own. Hari went crazy when “Weird Al” started to do “I’ll Sue Ya”. Tammy nearly fainted when Al came over and sat on her lap while he sang “Wanna B Ur Lovr”. Manodogs was pretty disappointed when he didn’t get to hear “Ode To A Superhero” (Spiderman to the tune of Piano Man) but he had a really good time anyway.

In addition to all of our friends who came out to the show, Al had all kinds of guest stars. Donny Osmond did his special “White and Nerdy” dance, Micheal Stipe helped out on the song that he and Al wrote together – “Cell-phones”, a couple of local cheerleaders got to work their stuff during “Smells Like Nirvana” and then five Storm Troopers, Bobba Fett and Darth Vader all showed up during “The Saga Begins”. Then just in case we hadn’t had enough, he did a medley of (nearly) every other song he has ever recorded including my current favourite, “Do I Creep You Out” (I wish I could find a nice girl to creep out like that).

As I said; FRAKKING AWESOME!

And in case you missed why Weird Al was in The Redneck, read how we met Weird Al in Calgary years ago.

I’ll Have That Joke Medium

So I was watching Medium on t.v. the other day (I told you it would inspire me), and the preview for next week’s episode showed that Rosanna Arquette is the special guest star (I’m just automatically assuming that everyone knows that her sister Patricia is the star of Medium). Now I recall reading somewhere that her other siblings have been on the show as well. David directed two episodes and Richmond guest starred on one. Curiously, the article made no mention of Alexis.

I believe I know why. If you do a little research on Alexis Arquette you will discover that she is, how can I put this delicately, different…from her famous siblings. I suspect that she is something of a black sheep in the family. Some of the things she has chosen to do would make her a bit of an outcast in the eyes of some people. Although this is largely just speculation on my part, I strongly suspect that the reason Alexis has never been on her sister Patricia’s show Medium, is because…she was on The Surreal Life. I mean how can anyone take you seriously as an actor after that?

Keifer Sutherland is A Free Man

Well, I usually leave the celebrity ~~news~~ gossip up to Gerri at Absolutely True; however a newspaper article caught my eye (and you know how painful that can be). Keifer Sutherland was released from jail today after serving 48 days for drunk-driving.

As I read the article I sort of mis-remembered a few things. I had thought that Paris had only served a day or two in jail. I did a little digging and soon discovered my mistake. Paris Hilton served 22 days in jail, Lindsay Lohan served 84 minutes and Nicole Ritchie served 82 minutes. Originally I had thought that maybe the female stars had done something in order to get-out-of-jail-almost-free. But the Paris statistic throws that conspiracy out the window. Unless Paris tried to do the same thing as the other two and yet was somehow not as successful. Now, I can’t imagine what sort of “service” young female stars could possibly have to offer to a judge in order to get lenient sentencing. It’s not as if any of them know how to cook or clean. Maybe they could ”polish a candlestick”; but you wouldn’t think that would be sufficient. Anyway, I just think they might have come to some sort of quid-pro-quo arrangement. Poor Keifer though had to serve nearly seven weeks. I’ll bet his girlfriend will be pretty happy when he comes home to her though; because he spent his time there working in the laundry.

I tired to find out what the average sentence for a drunk-driver, who is also a repeat offender, would be. Unfortunately, the answer didn’t come up on the first page of the Google results, so I lost interest.

The other thing I got to wondering about though; did he get his driver’s licence suspended? If so, how is he going to drive around when they’re filming 24? That’s always a pretty important part of the show. I guess due to writer’s strike this might not be a problem.

Redneck Bar & Grill

Beer, Friends, Food

Please Support This Worthy Cause

What’s LaToya Jackson Been Smoking?

I Went To The Opera And All I Got Was This Lousy Organ Transplant

I’m A Celebrity, Get Me A Coffin

Re-imagine This You Meatheads!

Watch Captain America On Our New Bar Sound System

Where The Hell Have You Been?!

“Weird Al” Yankovic Plays The Redneck Bar and Grill

I’ll Have That Joke Medium

Keifer Sutherland is A Free Man

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