More Relationship Advice For Men On Valentine’s Day: Invest In A Double Jogging Stroller

Seeing as we are rapidly approaching the 2nd most romantic day of the year Valentine’s Day (Groundhog’s Day being the first), ; I thought I would offer a bit more relationship advice for men.  We all know the basic paraphernalia of this time of year; flowers, chocolates, hearts, cards, lingerie and romantic dinners.  However, let us take a few minutes and explore how to put a new spin on these boring old tired and true classics.

First, flowers.  Instead of the boring and ordinary long stem roses, try something different; I suggest a Venus Flytrap.  I saw a movie where a guy fed his blood to one and it became intelligent.  Both you and your partner can feed your blood to it and you can say you’re feeding it with your love.  I’m sure wonderful things could happen if you feed a plant with love.

Chocolates: well we all know that eating a whole butt-load of refined sugar is really bad for you.  I would suggest that you give chocolates that have no sugar added; better yet give her some raw cocoa beans.  Sure they may be a little bitter, but tell she’s so sweet she doesn’t need sugar.

Hearts: I think the most romantic gesture you could possibly make to a loved one is to rip your own heart right out of your chest and present it, still beating, to her.  If you don’t quite love someone that much, the next best thing to do is present the heart of her greatest enemy to her (of course the greatest enemy of every female is time, but that’s a completely different story).

Cards: regular cards are not environmentally friendly and so we should all cease to give them out for any occasion.  One option is of course the e-card.  The other thing you could do is scratch your message on the side of her car or write it on the wall with a permanent marker; that way it will be a long-term reminder of how you feel.

Lingerie: as we all know giving a woman lingerie is really a gift for the man; although we try to persuade her that the idea is to make her feel sexy.  If you give it to her on Valentine’s Day it’s pretty much a guarantee that she will wear it once before it ends up at the back bottom corner of her underwear drawer.  The good news for the woman is that she won’t have to wear it for very long.

Romantic dinners: well guys, putting a candle on the table at Wendell’s or Burger Hut just isn’t going to be good enough nor is buying a supersized “sparkling white pop”.  You’re going to have to take her out to a real restaurant where they have table service and real wine (Mad-dog 2020 is also not going to cut it).  You’ll probably have to spend at least $20 on her.  Just keep in mind you only have to do this twice during the year (if you forget her birthday there will be big trouble).

If you just follow this simple advice you will both have a “happy ending” to the night.  Although in nine months time you could possibly end up having to invest in a double-jogging stroller.  The good news there is that it’s a great way for a man to lose the weight he put on during the pregnancy.

February 9, 2009 | Ernie | Tags: , , , , , | 33 Comments »

When is Canadian Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving comes to Canada a lot earlier than it does in the US. This has a lot to do with the fact that harvesting is over sooner, since it is colder up here. We have already had frost every morning for half a month, and temperatures during the day are only slightly above freezing where I live in Alberta. This year, Thanksgiving Day in Canada falls on October 13th. Families all over will be enjoying Tofurky and Mashed Soytatoes from the warmth of their homes.

I like to think that Canadians are a thankful bunch. We should be. We have one of the cleanest, safest, largest (in landmass), friendliest and richest countries in the world. And all that with low crime rates! Talk about lucky.

Things that I am thankful for:

  • Tim Horton’s coffee
  • a great weight loss center (I lost 40 lbs this year!)
  • local and internet friends
  • my wife and children

How about you? What are you thankful for right now? And how will you be celebrating Thanksgiving?

October 12, 2008 | Tim Ebl | Tags: , | 15 Comments »

It’s Canada Day, Eh!

Well, at least, it was on Tuesday; which was when I planned to post this.  The thing is I started drinking Blue Beavers just after arriving at Sebekia on Friday afternoon, and I didn’t stop until the wee hours of Wednesday morning.  I remember there were some people, and then there was some loud explosions coinciding with bright lights.  I found some pictures of fireworks on my camera, so I guess that explains it.  Everything else is pretty hazy for me…so obviously it was one hell of a frakkin’ great week-end! firework.JPG

I had to take a long hot shower before sitting down to write this.  I was covered with campfire-smoke, Off (mosquito repellent), sunscreen, weasel hair, cheese from Tim’s exploding smokies, and a variety of other unidentifiable grime and grease.  Fortunately, that can of beans I had for supper last night has finally worked it’s way out of my system.

In case any of our foreign Beer Buddies aren’t aware, Canada Day is a celebration of the day The Great Gretzky comes up from his fabled home in L.A. and gives hockey sticks to all the children who have been good throughout the year.  If they’ve been bad they only get a hockey puck in their stocking.  We leave out Big Mac’s and 7-Up for him to eat and some people will even leave out his rookie card in hopes that he might sign it.

Of course you could read about the “real” origin of Canada Day, but my reality is for more exciting.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to slowly wean myself back to a mere six-pack of Blue Beaver before the week-end.  To all of our fellow Canadian Beer Buddies out there (you know who the four of you are), “Take off, eh!”

July 2, 2008 | Ernie | Tags: , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

A Toast To All The Moms

Seeing as Mother’s Day is practically upon us, it’s seems only fitting that we rasie a Blue Beaver and drink a toast to those who brought us all into this world (apart from us clones who were grown in large glass cylinders in labs, that is).

mom.JPG

Usually I concern myself with only my own mother (that’s her in the picture), however I have recently begun to think that maybe I should amend that point of view. After all, I have encountered a large number of mothers that I’d like to…get to know a little better. So to each and every mother out there, on your special day grab a Beaver and think upon this:
M – is for…well, mother, oviously
O – is for observing your children closely to ensure that they grow up happy and well adjusted
T – is for never tiring in your efforts to look after us
H – is for hiring the very best nanny that money can buy while you are being a career mom
E – is for your emotional stability
R - is for really loving us no matter what we do

May 10, 2008 | Ernie | Tags: , , , | 5 Comments »

May 1 is National Beaver Appreciation Day!

As all Canadians know, May 1 is National Beaver Appreciation Day. It is always an action packed outdoor extravaganza. Every store shuts its doors, all the businesses let their employees go home early, and children get the day off from school. If you are one of those unlucky Canadians on foreign soil today, I hope you can at least find a can or bottle of Blue Beaver Beer to commemorate the big day.

For those of you who don’t know the traditions of this amazing celebration, pay attention. There will be a quiz afterwards.

The beaver is a symbol of all that is Canadian. Hard working, furry, bark breath. Or, hard working at least. Some of us are a little furry in various areas.

Canada wide, we will all gather at the banks of streams, lakes, rivers, swamps or even swimming pools and crack a beer for our favorite animal, the beaver. There will be BBQing, drinking contests and people freezing their butts off. It’s pretty much still winter up here folks! Us Alberta Rednecks will have a bonfire at our local ‘watering hole’, such as the mighty Horseguard River. With any luck, the beavers will come out and play, and we won’t have two more weeks of winter.

And yes, it’s snowing here today.

For those who can’t make it to the celebrations,  maye we will send you a beer gift basket to help you get over the suffering and depression you must feel right now.

May 1, 2008 | Tim Ebl | Tags: , , | 4 Comments »

Happy Leap Day Everybody!

It’s finally here! I’ve been counting down for the past 1460 days. For a while I thought it would never arrive; but at long last it’s Leap Day! I am so excited, and I just can’t hide it. I’m going to spend the whole day leaping over anything and everything that crosses my path. Toadstools, stair-railings, weasels, moving buses; you name it I’m going to leap over it.leapfrog.JPG

Back in 2004 I think I leapt over almost two different things. This time I going to do even more. I’ve been practicing for the past four years and I been working out my legs so that they’re super strong. I think I could almost leap over a tall building in no more than a double bound. My lower body development is huge; I haven’t even bothered to work out my upper body at all so that all my strength is in my legs.
Everyone else out there should celebrate this festive time of the four-year. Get up from your computer (after you finish reading this post and commenting on it), go outside, or stay inside, and leap over something. You’ll feel fantastic if you do.

frog.gif

February 29, 2008 | Ernie | 1 Comment »

Rekindle The Romance on Groundhog Day

Well folks, the most romantic day of the year is almost upon us.  No I’m not talking about Mexican Constitution Day or New Zealand’s Waitangi Day.  I am, of course, referring  to Groundhog Day. That’s right it’s that special time of year when women all over North America wake up in the morning (or mid-afternoon, as the case may be) and if they see their lovers’ shadow they end the relationship early.  If they fail to see the shadow then it’s another six weeks before they break it off.

Over the years men have come to anticipate all the possibilities this day presents.  Some men are quite happy to get out of the relationship early; therefore they go to great lengths to arrange their bed relative to the window in such a way as to ensure that the female sees the shadow.  Some men, as you know, are masochistic so they want to drag the relationship on for as long as possible.  To this end they take the female out the night before for a romantic dinner, then dancing, then a lot of drinks.  After they get her home, they will make love to her for as long as they possibly can (some even take “supplements” in order to make the session last up to 20 minutes).  Then the men will give the female a nightcap with a little NyQuill in it.  Their plan is to make her sleep all through Groundhog Day day so that when she sees her shadow on Feb. 3rd it will no longer count.

What could possibly be more romantic than that?groundhog.JPG

February 1, 2008 | Ernie | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment »

Aftermath of the Bash

Well, we’ve mostly recovered from that Bash in the Skull we had on Monday night at The Redneck. There’s no better way to ring in the new year than a massive head trauma. It was a wild night. We came pretty close to running out of Blue Beaver Beer; towards the end of the night I was starting to worry that Tim or I would have get into our private stashes of Blue Beaver Beer gift baskets. Fortunately it didn’t come to that. The Bar Brawl Tournament was a huge success. We had a lot of new participants who tried really hard, but came up just a bit short. The new singles champion is none other than “Crazy Eyes” Larry. I suspect he won due to the fact that he can look to his left and his right at the same time, so no one could sneak up on him. In a huge upset Tammy and Gerri were narrowly defeated by the team of Solay and Peltiere. However, the decision was reversed after a urine test revealed a lack of performance enhancing drugs. So Tammy and Gerri are still the tag team champs. They also showed a practical use for their brawling skills. Later in the evening when the band White Noise performed their smash hit, “Telephone Busy Signal” the crowd went crazy. A bunch of them started moshing (which we are not licensed for) so Gerri and Tammy “escorted” them out the door; head first. Of course they just enjoyed that, so they continued to mosh in the parking lot. All in all I think a good time was had by everyone.

January 2, 2008 | Ernie | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

New Year’s Eve Bash in the Skull

A lot of you have been wondering what’s going on down at The Redneck on New Year’s Eve. Well, I going to tell you right now.

It’s our first annual New Year’s Eve Bash in the Skull. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, we’ll be having a bar-room brawl tournament. It will actually begin on Sunday night (Dec. 30th) with preliminary rounds, then continue on Monday night with the finals. Tammy and Gerri, our current tag team champions, will have a bye in the first rounds. They will be defending their titles on Monday night. We will also be awarding a singles championship; so everyone rust up your knives and practice your drop-kicks (maybe you should even watch a Jean Claude Van-Damme movie to pick up some new moves).

I will be opening up the kitchen and anyone who wants to can come in and make their own Gingerbeerbread. We’ll see how closely you paid attention to the video. The tiger torch will be set up out back for those who are adventurous enough to bake in the Alberta Oilfield Style.

Also on the menu with be a buffet of some of Tim’s and my favourite gourmet delicacies. Fruit from the spiny poplar tree of the Forest of Ubangme, breaded wrapped rhinoceros pizzle, ox strawloin, and minced gut-worms from the Gobi Desert. We have imported these items from various locales around the globe just for you, our loyal patrons.

As for entertainment I have managed to book the popular local band, White Noise. They will be performing all of their hits and I heard that they have been working on a new one, “Computer Keyboard Clacking”. I have no doubt that it rocks.

Naturally, the will be a vast supply of Blue Beaver Beer on tap and some of the Blue Beaver Girls will be on hand on the celebration. Plus there will be one or two other surprises that I am still working on lining up. Tickets are free, however you must R.S.V.P. in the comments section below. I suggest you don’t delay, people will be coming in droves for this one.

December 29, 2007 | Ernie | 5 Comments »

Belated Holiday Wishes To One and All

The Redneck has been shut down for a couple of days so that staff and management could enjoy the “holiday season” with our loved ones. I just had to stop by tonight to grab some more Blue Beaver; I was starting to run low at home.

I should like to take a moment to wish all of our Beer Buddies and our other loyal patrons a; Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Fun-filled Festivus, Kwazy Kwanzaa, Warm Winter Solstice and a very merry, happy whatever other holiday that you might be celebrating at this time of year (I hope I’ve covered them all, I try so hard to politically correct).

If you happen to find yourself with a little free time, my comic-book-guy, Dave, sent me this link to a really demented fun Christmas game. You should try it.

And stay tuned, in the next day or two we will be posting details about the upcoming New Year’s Bash in the Skull. Merry Boxing Day to all, and to all a good bargain.

December 26, 2007 | Ernie | 4 Comments »
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