Horseguard Valley | Redneck Bar & Grill

Let’s Go Get Stampeded

Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for the annual Horseguard Valley Stampede. This year is the 24 ½ th anniversary of the very first Horseguard Stampede. Back then it was just Old Man Karhoffer (at the time he was Middle-Aged Man Karhoffer) running an uncontrolled herd of Beefalo headlong down the valley.

Nowadays, it’s completely changed. A bunch of local ranchers run an assortment of animals headlong down the valley while hundreds of spectators watch to see where they’ll all end up. Unlike other Stampedes out there, all of the people in attendance at the Horseguard actually know the difference between a cow and a horse. They don’t just buy a cowboy hat and boots and call themselves cowboys.

This spectacle is great fun for the whole family. There’s all kinds of different attractions to take in. Local band White Noise is headlining the main stage. You can travel just a short distance away to the sovereign country of Sebekia, where you can see a breathtaking pyrotechnics display every night. The Redneck BBQ competition will go ahead with a vast variety of hot dogs and instant macaroni and cheese dishes getting cooked up as well as everyone‘s favourite BBQ-Rib-On-A-Stick. The senior Sebeks will be giving free Square, Round and Triangle Dancing lessons. There are many rides to go on as well; such as The Vomit Inducer and The Spin Around In Circles At High Speeds Until You Spew. Also there will be bungee jumping but you have to bring your own rope. For the younger kids there is a petting zoo with a blue beaver, a blue-footed booby and a rare blue lobster. There will also be free neck painting.

You can hardly believe that all that excitement can be packed into just 45 hrs. and 15 min. As always the entire Stampede culminates with the running of the glaciers. Dozens of people every year run in front of the glaciers that are hurtling down the valley. Over the years there have been a few unfortunate souls who got trampled to death. But if you are slower than a glacier (either physically or mentally) than you shouldn’t be trying to outrun one. Come one, come all to the greatest show on (the Horseguard Valley part of the) Earth. You won’t want to fail to not miss this; I assure you.

My After Death Planning

Have you ever thought about how you would like to leave this earth? What would you like as a memorial? Who would you leave your prized possessions to?

I’ve come up with an after death plan for me, just in case should I ever need one.

First, I would have to be cremated. Just make sure I’m dead. Hey, that reminds me of a joke……..

****************

Two hunters are out in the woods and they are walking along looking around for something defenseless to kill. Jim is having a lot of trouble breathing and is in really poor shape, probably due to his all meat diet. His friend Bob keeps having to wait up for him and is starting to wonder if Jim is gonna make it, what with his big fat belly. “Hey Bob, you sure need to lose 10 pounds,” he calls out jokingly.

All of a sudden, Jim holds his chest, starts wheezing and falls to the ground, no longer making any noise at all. Bob panics at first, then grabs his cell phone and calls 911. By some miracle, he actually gets reception out in the boonies. A woman on the other end answers, and Bob says, ” You gotta send help. My friend Jim had a heart attack and I think he’s dead!”
The dispatcher says,” Calm down, sir. The first thing you have to do is make sure he’s dead.”

She hears, chkk chickk, BOOOMMM. Jim says on the phone, “Okay, now what?”

****************

Where was I? Oh yeah, I was dead. Okay, next I need to be cremated and my ashes taken to the headwaters of The Mighty Horseguard River, right south of Horseguard Glacier. I know there’s probably some rule against it, but if my ashes were spread in the water, later downstream I would become part of the famous Blue Beaver Beer brewing process, which uses pure glacial runoff as well as many other esoteric and wonderful ingredients.

Then there would be a big send off in the campsite in the park, with beer and a potluck dinner. And a contest! Whoever could catch and ride one of the wild horses of Horseguard Valley would get my most prized possessions, my stuffed rat and my Bubbles Powerpuff Girl doll. My wife wouldn’t want to part with them, she loves them so much. I am sure, however, that she would respect my wishes.

Redneck BBQ Competition Spring 2009

When Ernie and I reopened the Redneck Bar and Grill, we decided we would hold an Annual Redneck BBQ Competition. This one was really Ernie’s baby, but since he wandered off into the Forest of Ubangme on his ‘reality break’ I guess I will have to organize the dang thing. I’m not as much of a cook as he was(see Broccoli Bacon Salad), but I do like to barbeque the odd thing. My favourite is steak, although all kinds of things can be cooked on the grill. I really enjoy seeing and sampling whatever the contestants can come up with. Entries can be prepared on any portable grill or barbeque, using either solid charcoal fuel or propane.

We want to hold it as soon as the snow melts, which is usually April in these parts. We get a lot of help from the Horseguard Valley Community, and residents of the area really like to finally dig their barbeques out of the snow bank and get back into backyard cookery. Our event is open to everyone, so if you feel like showing up just let us know and we’ll find a spot for you. This event will be BYOB (Bring Your Own Barbeque) so make sure you are well equiped beforehand! Contestants are responsible for their own cooking utensils and aprons as well. Full rules will be posted at the Horseguard Valley Information Center.

This year we will have a special category in the bbq contests for cooking with beer. A lot of you may have used or hard of the common ‘chicken sitting on a beer can’ technique. We want to see what else we can come up with. Bonus points for using Blue Beaver Beer, of course.

Want to get in on the action but don’t know where to start? You can drop by the Redneck for a chat with the locals over a beer, or you can check out Competition BBQ Tips.

Need some advice on cooking steaks? Our biker cook, ‘Grease’, will be happy to fill you in on everything you might want to know. You can also venture out into the Forest of Ubangme and try to find Ernie. He might be the resident ’steak guru’ of that patricular forest. Just remember to take him beer in return for his sage advice, and maybe a Tom Norton’s coffee. I doubt Ernie has had one of those in months now.

A lot of people enjoy cooking beef roast on the BBQ, and I hope to make this part of our competition this year. I am going to see if there is any interest in cooking with venison, moose or other wild game this year as well. Admittedly this isn’t for everyone, but we have a lot of hunters and outdoorsmen (and outdoorswomen) who would probably be very interested in this event. I myself prefer meat from domestic ’slave’ animals.

Does anyone out there have a bbq recipe to share? My wife has a great one for vegetable and meat skewers. I know some people love to slow roast pork on the barbeque. Do you do any outdoor cooking?

Shopping For A New Bar Sound System

A stereo sound system can really make or break a business like this one. After my run in with the guys selling bar sound system components on the Whitemud, I put a little thought into our stereo setup at the Redneck Bar and Grill. We pretty much went with the old stereo system that came with the joint when we took it over, with a few minor tweaks. The hard wooden floor and walls tended to give our bar an echo problem, which we managed to mitigate with genuine tribal hangings I bought off the Slouching Tiger Tribe in the Forest of Ubangme. Ernie got crafty and whipped out some sound absorbing ceiling tiles made out of Blue Beaver Beer boxes . Now all we needed was better sound equipment, but Ernie and I got busy and tied up with other things. We just never got around to it.
Those 2 guys in Edmonton were trying to sell me a fairly cheap set. It had this low end stuff in it:
Yamahog sound table with 27 input
53 foot long, 19 input snake cord
Double Demon 9000 cd player
Deringher compressor
Deringher cross-over
Deringher EQ
2 Deringher amp 2500 Flowerpower
2 Deringher 18″ bass bins
4 top speakers

I figure I can do a lot better than this, off of eBay. I’m going to shop around and see what I can get. I might look for a NAD C272 Power Stereo amplifier, or some such. In any case, soon we’ll be blowing the socks off of customers with our new bar sound system. We’ve been pulling a lot of cash with our Blue Beaver Beer Gift Baskets, so we can afford to pick up a kicka$$ set of speakers and amps.

Eddie Murphy & Central Alberta Farmer Create Environmentally Friendly Farm

Soaring Fuel Prices Bring New Opportunities For Farmers, And That’s No Bull

With fuel prices at all time highs, many are looking at new ways to produce energy in an environmentally friendly way. One Central Alberta farmer has tackled the problem with a different angle than most.He isn’t interested in hydrogen or hho, he’s after methane gas.

Since Greenpeace successfully fought for equal working rights for cattle, no one has stepped forward to provide the bovine community with the employment opportunities it needs. Hundreds of steers and cows remain unemployed and stand about in their pastures dejectedly while the bulls get full time jobs. Mr. Jones has capitalized on the availability of bovine labour, offering the desperate animals positions in the new methane production plant at his Condor Area farm.

The Jones Ranch is located near Withrow, Alberta in the Horseguard Valley. Robert Jones had a traditional farm operation, but has decided to take a leap into the future with his new barns. A sealed, non-smoking environment was necessary for methane capture. Robert’s long time friend, Eddie Murphy, helped with construction costs as part of his mission to save the environment. Since studies have shown that cows produce environment-ruining methane gas, Robert and Eddie came up with a plan to capture these gases and use them for fuel. Mr. Jones has modified his house furnace and one tractor to run on the new fuel, and hopes that soon his ranch will be a net zero emissions producer.

The animals have a good benefit package, which includes free food in large quantities, free lodging, state of the art waste removal services and a modest yet competitive wage. They seem happy at their jobs, which entail eating, digesting the food, and passing gas. Mr. Jones provides a comprehensive health care plan with weekly checkups and medication personally administered by Robert himself as required. In some cases a specialist will be called in from the local veterinary service. “ I have relatives working in the bean and cabbage industries,” Robert admits. “ I get a pretty good deal on meals for my new workers. Things have been running pretty smoothly. The methane gas we capture here is sold to Atco to be shipped to the states for distribution. The manure goes back to the bean and cabbage fields as fertilizer. I’m glad that I am making such a difference to the lives of so many Canadian citizens, bovine or human.”

Looking for a way to save money on fuel for your car? You might be interested in hho fuel generators.

Redneck Lounge Patios Now Open in Rocky Mountain House

You gotta hand it to our competition in Rocky Mountain House. They sure are smart, opening up their outdoor patio to get a jump on the Redneck Bar & Grill. No doubt the place will be packed!

Rocky Mtn. House (Rocky for short) is only 20 minutes from the Horseguard Valley. We’ve been having quite the storm up here. You can see the snowflakes blowing in the strong winds we’ve been getting. This is just the kind of day I love to go out on the outdoor patio, sit back and enjoy a frosty brew. As you can see from the second photo, the joint is just packed!

Okay, so even us Alberta rednecks aren’t sitting around outside in this weather. This better clear up before National Beaver Appreciation Day.

A Redneck Story: How Bucky Made it to the Big Time!

Bucky The Beaver: Redneck Icon and Role Model

Everyone who drinks Blue Beaver Beer at the Redneck knows and loves our favorite blue furry friend, Bucky the Beaver. We’ve seen his rise to fame, from Horseguard

River working critter to Blue Beaver Beer spokescritter. It’s a true rags to riches tale, spanning many years.
Buky was born in a muddy den, deep in the Horseguard Valley. He was raised to work hard, like all beavers. He worked dam hard, all day long, on the family dam. But even as a young beaver, Bucky had big ideas and dreams of fame. He had heard of other animals that made it big. Mickey Mouse, Woody Woodpecker and Bugs Bunny were the heroes in all of his bedtime stories. He knew that size or species or huge teeth were no barrier to entry in the world of smart ass critters. Even Pluto, who wasn’t aloud to wear clothes like his dumber cousin Goofy, made it big time.
He didn’t enjoy hard work like all the other beavers. So, Bucky decided to make a break for it and leave behind his redneck brown collar existence as a swamp creature. He headed straight for Hollywood, traveling mostly by river when possible, but once hitching a ride with a desperate trucker named Wayne. When he arrived in the big town Bucky thought he would have an easy time getting into show biz. Unfortunately, he was wrong. No one wanted a redneck beaver.
No one would hire an unknown like our hero. He couldn’t find a place to live or food to keep going, and was tempted into working the streets. Reduced to turning tricks to make it by, Bucky was a sexually exploited beaver. That is why he raises money for charities today. Hookers Outreach Enterprise (HOE) was started by Bucky the Beaver to try to get those unlucky beavers and hookers off the streets.
Bucky never gave up on his dream of become a wise ass cartoon character. He auditioned, he practiced his stand up routine, he tried to trade sexual favors for jobs, all to no avail. You can still find the occasional dirty picture of a naked beaver trying to get ahead by any means possible.
Then one day, as Bucky was out walking the street, a billionaire stopped to ask for directions. They hit it off, and he ended up taking Bucky back to his hotel room to help the downtrodden beaver out. It was the leg up that Bucky needed. And that billionaire was none other than Richie Rich, the comic book star.
Soon Bucky got parts in commercials and as extras movies.

(this story to be continued)

Blue Beaver Beer Logo

Not that long ago, someone pointed out that we don’t have the Blue Beaver Beer logo up anywhere. It’s kinda like Superman’s chest symbol, we figured. Everyone’s seen it, it’s plastered on all those beer cans and in those Superbowl ads that its imprinted on the subconscious mind of anyone in North America. It’s what might have been in that beer gift basket for Father’s Day.

Nascar racers wear it on their backs. Astronauts wrote it on the moon.

I’m holding an empty from the bin at the Redneck right now, thinking of all the exposure this logo gets worldwide. Yep, if you ain’t seen the Blue Beaver Beer logo by now, you live in some alternate universe that Ernie and I aren’t part of.

So, instead of showing you the logo everyone’s seen before, I thought we’d take a look at Bucky, the Blue Beaver Beer mascot. In an upcoming post, I’ll delve into Bucky’s life story and how he ended up hooked on Blue Beaver Beer.

Nordegg Diamond Mine : Biggest Find Ever!

Patrick Fullovit has struck it rich. No one knew much about him except that he lived in a houseboat on Horseguard Lake all summer and icefished all winter while staying in an old holiday trailer. This spring he decided to move up to the Nordegg area and try some gold panning. His fortunes soon changed.
“ This old guy came in with a huge rock and was babbling about diamonds,” recalls the owner of Nordegg Resort Lodge. “ We hardly payed any attention. But then he came in every day with some new ‘diamond nuggets’, as he called them. No one knows exactly where he is getting these stones from and he is very leery of telling anyone.”
Mr. Fullovit was long rumoured to be an eccentric millionaire, and from the amount of digging equipment he has brought in it seems that he has no lack of funds. He has formed a new company called Bree-Z and is in the process of opening a mining operation near Nordegg.
Hundreds of fortune seekers are combing the mountainsides and gullies looking for diamonds, but so far have come up dry. The diamond rush seems to be just beginning. “ It reminds me of when all the city folk were out here looking for the eggs of the wild Nord bird. They searched and wandered around a couple of summers in a row. It was ridiculous. Everyone knows that the Nord bird flies farther North for the summer and only comes back here in the winter to lay its eggs. They put their nests high on the mountains and you would never get up there in the snow.”
Conservational activists are in an uproar over the possibility of a new mine. Government representatives have assured them that all steps to reduce the damage to the area will be taken by Bree-z.

Nordegg Mud Spa To become International Attraction

Thousands of visitors have come to bathe in the mud and benefit from the miraculous healing powers of Shunda Creek, near Nordegg, Alberta. Many victims of the foul disease, Decievamialosis Gullibillicitis, were dunked and cured of their affliction.To this date there were no creek-side facilities to take care of the needs of the people. Visitors were forced to park on the side of a busy highway and strip naked in plain view. For some reason the mud only takes effect if you are completely naked, and this has led to a couple of motorists crashing as they drove by. A bold new vision has been suggested that will improve the experience for everyone.
Within sight of Mount Coliseum, a full size replica of the coliseum will be built straddling the creek. Saunas, hot tubs and a lounge will be readily available after the mud treatment has been taken. A gift shop and convenience store with gas bar will be on site to make the experience hassle free for tourists.
“ I know we can’t compete with the dome going up over the David Thompson Resort,” Jim said, “ but the Coliseum will be a unique landmark at one of the most valuable natural healing sites in the world.”
Although the mud was originally thought to only be effective against Decievamialosis Gullibillicitis, it has now proved to be effective at alleviating many ailments. Local researcher Ima Fahke has documented tens of cases where a person suffering from various stages of naive blondness has entered the creek naked only to come scrambling out of the frigid, muddy waters with a new look in their eyes.

Redneck Bar & Grill

Beer, Friends, Food

Let’s Go Get Stampeded

My After Death Planning

Redneck BBQ Competition Spring 2009

Shopping For A New Bar Sound System

Eddie Murphy & Central Alberta Farmer Create Environmentally Friendly Farm

Redneck Lounge Patios Now Open in Rocky Mountain House

A Redneck Story: How Bucky Made it to the Big Time!

Blue Beaver Beer Logo

Nordegg Diamond Mine : Biggest Find Ever!

Nordegg Mud Spa To become International Attraction

Beer Buddies

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