Let’s Go Get Stampeded

Well, it’s that time of year again.  Time for the annual Horseguard Valley Stampede.  This year is the 24 ½ th  anniversary of the very first Horseguard Stampede.  Back then it was just Old Man Karhoffer (at the time he was Middle-Aged Man Karhoffer) running an uncontrolled herd of Beefalo headlong down the valley.

Nowadays, it’s completely changed.  A bunch of local ranchers run an assortment of animals headlong down the valley while hundreds of spectators watch to see where they’ll all end up.  Unlike other Stampedes out there, all of the people in attendance at the Horseguard actually know the difference between a cow and a horse.  They don’t just buy a cowboy hat and boots and call themselves cowboys.

This spectacle is great fun for the whole family.  There’s all kinds of different attractions to take in.  Local band White Noise is headlining the main stage.  You can travel just a short distance away to the sovereign country of Sebekia, where you can see a breathtaking pyrotechnics display every night.  The Redneck BBQ competition will go ahead with a vast variety of hot dogs and instant macaroni and cheese dishes getting cooked up as well as everyone‘s favourite BBQ-Rib-On-A-Stick.  The senior Sebeks will be giving free Square, Round and Triangle Dancing lessons.  There are many rides to go on as well; such as The Vomit Inducer and The Spin Around In Circles At High Speeds Until You Spew.  Also there will be bungee jumping but you have to bring your own rope.  For the younger kids there is a petting zoo with a blue beaver, a blue-footed booby and a rare blue lobster.  There will also be free neck painting.

You can hardly believe that all that excitement can be packed into just 45 hrs. and 15 min.  As always the entire Stampede culminates with the running of the glaciers.  Dozens of people every year run in front of the glaciers that are hurtling down the valley.  Over the years there have been a few unfortunate souls who got trampled to death.  But if you are slower than a glacier (either physically or mentally) than you shouldn’t be trying to outrun one.  Come one, come all to the greatest show on (the Horseguard Valley part of the) Earth.  You won’t want to fail to not miss this; I assure you.

July 8, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , , | 27 Comments »

My After Death Planning

Have you ever thought about how you would like to leave this earth? What would you like as a memorial? Who would you leave your prized possessions to?

I’ve come up with an after death plan for me, just in case should I ever need one.

First, I would have to be cremated. Just make sure I’m dead. Hey, that reminds me of a joke……..

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Two hunters are out in the woods and they are walking along looking around for something defenseless to kill. Jim is having a lot of trouble breathing and is in really poor shape, probably due to his all meat diet. His friend Bob keeps having to wait up for him and is starting to wonder if Jim is gonna make it, what with his big fat belly. “Hey Bob, you sure need to lose 10 pounds,” he calls out jokingly.

All of a sudden, Jim holds his chest, starts wheezing and falls to the ground, no  longer making any noise at all. Bob panics at first, then grabs his cell phone and calls 911. By some miracle, he actually gets reception out in the boonies. A woman on the other end answers, and Bob says, ” You gotta send help. My friend Jim had a heart attack and I think he’s dead!”
The dispatcher says,” Calm down, sir. The first thing you have to do is make sure he’s dead.”

She hears, chkk chickk, BOOOMMM. Jim says on the phone, “Okay, now what?”

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Where was I? Oh yeah, I was dead. Okay, next I need to be cremated and my ashes taken to the headwaters of The Mighty Horseguard River, right south of Horseguard Glacier. I know there’s probably some rule against it, but if my ashes were spread in the water, later downstream I would become part of the famous Blue Beaver Beer brewing process, which uses pure glacial runoff as well as many other esoteric and wonderful ingredients.

Then there would be a big send off in the campsite in the park, with beer and a potluck dinner. And a contest! Whoever could catch and ride one of the wild horses of Horseguard Valley would get my most prized possessions, my stuffed rat and my Bubbles Powerpuff Girl doll. My wife wouldn’t want to part with them, she loves them so much. I am sure, however, that she would respect my wishes.

January 14, 2009 | | Tags: , | 26 Comments »

Redneck BBQ Competition Spring 2009

When Ernie and I reopened the Redneck Bar and Grill, we decided we would hold an Annual Redneck BBQ Competition. This one was really Ernie’s baby, but since he wandered off into the Forest of Ubangme on his ‘reality break’ I guess I will have to organize the dang thing. I’m not as much of a cook as he was(see Broccoli Bacon Salad), but I do like to barbeque the odd thing. My favourite is steak, although all kinds of things can be cooked on the grill. I really enjoy seeing and sampling whatever the contestants can come up with. Entries can be prepared on any portable grill or barbeque, using either solid charcoal fuel or propane.

We want to hold it as soon as the snow melts, which is usually April in these parts. We get a lot of help from the Horseguard Valley Community, and residents of the area really like to finally dig their barbeques out of the snow bank and get back into backyard cookery. Our event is open to everyone, so if you feel like showing up just let us know and we’ll find a spot for you. This event will be BYOB (Bring Your Own Barbeque) so make sure you are well equiped beforehand! Contestants are responsible for their own cooking utensils and aprons as well. Full rules will be posted at the Horseguard Valley Information Center.

This year we will have a special category in the bbq contests for cooking with beer. A lot of you may have used or hard of the common ‘chicken sitting on a beer can’ technique. We want to see what else we can come up with. Bonus points for using Blue Beaver Beer, of course.

Want to get in on the action but don’t know where to start? You can drop by the Redneck for a chat with the locals over a beer, or you can check out Competition BBQ Tips.

Need some advice on cooking steaks? Our biker cook, ‘Grease’, will be happy to fill you in on everything you might want to know. You can also venture out into the Forest of Ubangme and try to find Ernie. He might be the resident ‘steak guru’ of that patricular forest. Just remember to take him beer in return for his sage advice, and maybe a Tom Norton’s coffee. I doubt Ernie has had one of those in months now.

A lot of people enjoy cooking beef roast on the BBQ, and I hope to make this part of our competition this year. I am going to see if there is any interest in cooking with venison, moose or other wild game this year as well. Admittedly this isn’t for everyone, but we have a lot of hunters and outdoorsmen (and outdoorswomen) who would probably be very interested in this event. I myself prefer meat from domestic ‘slave’ animals.

Does anyone out there have a bbq recipe to share? My wife has a great one for vegetable and meat skewers. I know some people love to slow roast pork on the barbeque. Do you do any outdoor cooking?

January 4, 2009 | | Tags: , , , | 26 Comments »

Shopping For A New Bar Sound System

A stereo sound system can really make or break a business like this one.  After my run in with the guys selling bar sound system components on the Whitemud, I put a little thought into our stereo setup at the Redneck Bar and Grill. We pretty much went with the old stereo system that came with the joint when we took it over, with a few minor tweaks. The hard wooden floor and walls tended to give our bar an echo problem, which we managed to mitigate with genuine tribal hangings I bought off the Slouching Tiger Tribe in the Forest of Ubangme. Ernie got crafty and whipped out some sound absorbing ceiling tiles made out of Blue Beaver Beer boxes . Now all we needed was better sound equipment, but Ernie and I got busy and tied up with other things. We just never got around to it.
Those 2 guys in Edmonton were trying to sell me a fairly cheap set. It had this low end stuff in it:
Yamahog sound table with 27 input
53 foot long, 19 input snake cord
Double Demon 9000 cd player
Deringher compressor
Deringher cross-over
Deringher EQ
2 Deringher amp 2500 Flowerpower
2 Deringher 18″ bass bins
4 top speakers

I figure I can do a lot better than this, off of eBay. I’m going to shop around and see what I can get. I might look for a NAD C272 Power Stereo amplifier, or some such. In any case, soon we’ll be blowing the socks off of customers with our new bar sound system. We’ve been pulling a lot of cash with our Blue Beaver Beer Gift Baskets, so we can afford to pick up a kicka$$ set of speakers and amps.

September 14, 2008 | | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments »