Those Darn Rattlesnakes…

Hey, I hope RT and Steve can take a joke!

Steve the Trade Show Guru and RT from the Philippines are  hiking in Texas in a dry, desert  valley. They are quite some ways from the road and not even sure what they are doing so far from civilization. Steve kneels down to tie his shoe near some cactus, and a rattlesnake that was hiding there bites him right on the junk. That is to say, in a very delicate area.
“RT, I’ve been bit!” he yells. “I feel cold. Do something!”

“I’ll phone for help,” RT says. He quickly gets out his cell phone and calls 911. He walks a little distance away from Steve so he can concentrate on his call.
The dispatcher gets some information, lets him know paramedics will eventually arrive, and patches him through to a doctor. “You’ll never maker it to town in time, and the ambulance is too far away,” the worried doctor tells him. “You’re going to have to improvise. Now can you handle this?” When RT says he thinks he can, The doctor gives him these instructions: “I want you to strip the clothing off, make a small incision, and suck the poison out by mouth until help arrives.”

RT walks back over to Steve. “What did they say?” Steve said, in obvious pain and very distressed.
“They said you’re gonna die,” RT replied.

November 19, 2009 | | Tags: , , , | 13 Comments »

Stranded

John was having this great dream. It started out with a night on the town, drinking Blue Beaver Beer with two hot blondes at the Redneck Bar and Grill. They played pool and Buck Hunter and drank more beer until the place shut down.

John was just getting ready to take the two blondes home with him when waves crashing on to the shore rudely pulled him back to reality. With a start he remembered the yacht trip, how they encountered the storm, and how they had abandoned ship in the middle of the night. The rest was a blur.

He was now on a tropical beach with jungle in the background. No one else could be seen. It was just like a scene out of Lost or the movie Castaway. It looked like John was going to be camping it out in paradise.

While sitting on the sand getting his bearings he noticed his hands were purple. He looked at his feet and they were purple. In a panic he opened his shirt and his chest and stomach were purple. He looked to the sky and yelled, “Oh my God! I’ve been marooned!”

November 15, 2009 | | Tags: , , | 11 Comments »

Houseboat Hijinks

Two partiers were lost, adrift in the fog on a large lake in a small inflatable rubber raft. The weekend had been going great until the fire. They had boarded at Lake Powell Houseboat Rentals with the others, and a wild two days of drinking and carrying on ensued. It turned out to be a bad idea to let Frankie cook those steaks, because before you know it, the whole house boat was on fire. A wild rush ensued to get off the boat. Now they were adrift and didn’t even know if the others had made it away before the boat sank. They had no food, and no idea where they were in the fog. Steve was even more depressed because he didn’t have time to get the Blue Beaver Beer out of the fridge.

Johnny pulled part of a broken glass lamp out of his backpack and started rubbing it. “Hey, where’d you get that busted lamp?” Steve asked suspiciously. “The guy that sold me this Tiffany lamp said there was a genie in it,” Johnny answered. Steve snorted a laugh, but Johnny kept rubbing. Sure enough, out popped a big blue genie, his smoky body floating in the fog above the lake.

“I can answer one wish today, I’m kinda pressed for time,” the magical creature said with a bored look on his face. Without hesitation, Steve said, “I wish the lake was made out of beer!”

Amazingly enough, the entire lake was transformed into drinkable beer. The genie vanished in a puff of smoke. All was silent except for the lapping of the beer against the side of the rubber raft. The two men looked out into the fog and considered their circumstances. Steve dipped out a handful of delicious beer.

Johnny looked disgustedly at Steve, and there was a long, painful silence. Then he said, “Way to go, moron. Now we have to pee in the boat!”

December 30, 2008 | | Tags: , , , | 7 Comments »

The Morning After at The Clinic

Harry woke up beside her the next morning, and he felt really guilty and remorseful. He, of all people, had slept with one of his patients. Right there in the clinic!

He had brought a case of Blue Beaver Beer. She refused to drink any, preferring water. Harry downed most of it himself. “Probably why she didn’t laugh at my jokes, I was drunk,” he thought.

“Don’t worry about it,” he told himself. “You’re not the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of his patients.You’re both single and you drank almost a case of beer, so try to get on with the day.”

And yet, there was that tiny voice in his head, the one that filled him with guilt and that terrible sense of wrongdoing.
The one that said, “But Dave, you are a vetrenarian!”

December 9, 2008 | | Tags: , , | 9 Comments »