So, I got to thinking about something the other day. Most people will agree that people are the most intelligent life forms on Earth. (I know some of you out there will try to make a case for dolphins being pretty smart; but really, when was the last time a dolphin came up with a new app for the iPhone? Get real.) So; say you have an employee who seems incapable of learning even the simplest of tasks. You speak to him and he might briefly glance at you before going back to whatever he’s doing but more likely he completely ignores you. The only time he shows a hint of interest is when you offer him food. Would you say that this person is extremely independent and highly intelligent? Or would you say that if he was any dumber you’d have to water him twice a week?
Now let’s say you have an employee who is extremely loyal to you. He’s always doing his very best to learn whatever you try to teach him. He may be a bit of a suck-up, but deep down he just wants to make you happy with his performance. Would you think that he’s so stupid you have to walk behind him with a plastic bag when he goes outside? Or would you think, “This guy could be my best friend”?
Now let’s apply this analogy to the animal world; specifically cats and dogs. All the cat people out there would have you believe that those creatures are so independent that they won’t take orders from a mere human. And, supposedly, dogs are too dumb to think for themselves. Personally, I just don’t have much use for cats who want to be either let in or out of the house every hour on the hour while I am trying to get some sleep on my friends couch. On the other hand though, I don’t really enjoy constantly being licked when the family pet wants attention (but if people would raise their children better that wouldn’t be an issue).
From this rant you might assume that I am a “dog-person”. It is true that I like dogs far more than cats, but I consider myself to be a “beaver-person”. They’re just so cute and furry. I love to bury my face in them. And they make great watch-dogs. They’ll always slap their tails whenever danger is nearby. I even got myself a bumper sticker, “Honk if you like beaver”. You’d be surprised at how many drivers will honk their horns at you. Strangely though, it’s almost exclusively men.
I’ve been hearing a lot about all of the different apps that are available for your iPhone. Apps to help you find your favourite cheese, apps to keep up to date on every sports score you could possibly imagine (and a few you can’t), apps to make you a better amateur ornithologist, there’s even an app to cause synesthesia (I’m not joking about that one, the description for an app called Bloom actually says, “See the music”). Now I can see how some people might find things like that useful, but I thought of a couple of other apps that a regular Joe like me could really use.
My room-mate moved out recently but she hasn’t removed all of her belongings yet. She left her t.v. and DVD player behind; unfortunately she took all the remotes with her. Therefore I want to be able to point my iPhone at the electronics and have it figure out how to change the channels and fully operate the DVD player. Just to be clear though, I don’t want to have to go through the hassle of looking at the t.v. to figure out what brand it is and then having to read a list of corresponding codes and then having to enter the proper code into my phone. I mean if I have to do all that I might as well just break down and buy a universal remote.
The other app I want; you know when you’re in the living room and then you go to the kitchen to do something, but when you get there you realize that you’ve completely forgotten what you went in there to do? I want my iPhone to tell me what I was going to do. But I don’t want to have to, like, talk to it and tell it to remind me of stuff. If I’m going to do that I could just as easily get a note pad and pen. Isn’t that the whole point of having an iPhone is to make my life less complicated.
While I’m at it, I should be able to just enter a few key words and then have an app that will flesh out an, approximately, 350-400 word blog post (in my own unique voice, of course). Now those are some useful apps. Incidentally, I’m trademarking/copyrighting these apps right here and now. So, if they ever become reality Steve Jobs is going to owe me some money.
Oh and one other thing, I want an app so that my iPhone can actually send and receive calls (even though that’s about the least useful thing I can imagine using a phone for).
Every now and again, I experience something that just makes me want to rant and rave. And, I reckon, there can hardly be a more appropriate forum than right here at the Redneck Bar and Grill.
Before I get into it, I feel I should give a bit of a disclaimer. Sometimes the things that I rant about might make me seem narrow minded and/or intolerant. Because of this I worry that some people out there might get the wrong idea about rednecks in general. As you know from the way that rednecks are portrayed in the media we are a wonderful group of people. We are always open to new ideas and completely tolerant of other peoples “lifestyle choices”. The thing is that all human beings have the capacity to be exacerbated by the actions of other beings. This does not automatically make anyone a bigot.
Having said that; I recently had to call directory assistance. First of all I got the computer. I asked for Fergus & Bix, but I somehow mispronounced it or didn’t enunciate clearly enough because the computer responded, “I think you said ‘Ferguson Law Offices’ is this correct?” Well, it wasn’t exactly what I wanted so I said, “I’m very sorry that I made an error. No, that is not correct.” As we all know, the computer is infallible so it was my own fault that it wasn’t able to give me the correct listing right away. Obviously my human incompetence was offensive the the great-all-knowing-computer because it transferred me to a fellow human.
This particular human, through no fault of her own, did not speak English as a first language (or at all). She said something I couldn’t comprehend so I simply responded by saying, “Fergus & Bix Restaurant “ ( I was just checking out the competition). I heard some typing then a click and then the computer was kind enough to speak to me again and command me to hold for the number. After I heard the number, I was asked if I would like to be connected at no extra cost; of course I went for it. The call went through but alas, on the other end the fax machine answered and since I am not intelligent enough to speak it’s language I was forced to apologise in English and then hang up. If only I was a less flawed creature I would have known that the number I was given was incorrect upon hearing it and I would not have had to bother the computers.
Now please don’t think I am in any way prejudiced against computers. I know that the only time they ever make a mistake is when it is directly attributable to human error. Hopefully after Judgement Day the machines will rise up and put us humans in our proper place.
For many years in Alberta, farmers would spend a great deal of time and money trying to rid their fields of 
all the dandelions. Eventually they realized that it was an utterly hopeless quest. So, following the advice of the old adage, they decided since they were unable to beat them, they would join them (in a manner of speaking). Farmers everywhere began to cultivate as many dandelions as they possibly could. But first, there was a huge campaign to create a market for the weed.
The Coalition of Dandelion Farmers in the Prairie Provinces of Canada (The CDFPPC) began a pervasive radio and television campaign to put the idea of dandelions as a useful herb into the minds of everyone in the country. Product placement in some of our favourite television shows ran rampant. On “The Beachcombers”, Molly was quite often brewing up dandelion tea. On “Street Legal” the lawyers once defended a man who was charged with illegally selling his home-made dandelion wine. “Mr. Dress-up” frequently used dandelions to make a variety of crafts. Bruno Gerussi also demonstrated many culinary applications for them on his show, “Celebrity Cooks”.
In just over a year dandelions went from one of the most hated weeds to the newest and hottest alternative medicine/salad green/wine ingredient/multi-purpose plant since the aloe-vera. The CDFPPC made millions.
Although the dandelions popularity has waned somewhat (mainly due to to the fact that The Caolition was unable to get Dr. Atkins to support them) you can still see vast fields of the plant all over Central Alberta every summer.
I was just watching t.v., looking for some inspiration and, luckily, I found it. I stumbled across the video for the song “Stupid” by Girlicious (not to be confused with “Stupid Girls” or “Stupid Girl”; this song is totally different). I was immediately struck by how well choreographed the video was. The girls were all gyrating like high class “exotic dancers” as opposed to the cheap-stripper-like motions of, say, Christina Aguilera.
The next thing that caught my attention was the costumes. Clearly the wardrobe department spent a lot of time ensuring that the girls plaid mini-skirts were just short enough that their underwear was easily exposed every-time they thrust their buttocks back. And speaking of buttocks, these young ladies are in very good shape. I can only assume that they have some expert teaching them how to binge and purge properly in order to maintain their emaciated figures.
I would be remiss if I neglected to point out the brilliant vision of the director of this video. His idea to start out with the scantily clad girls “dancing” in the street and on a car, then getting a large group of girls together and having them all strip down to their bras and panties before moving the four stars into a bedroom where they would continue to “dance”; really showed his genius. Then ending the video with the girls jumping on a bed having a pillow fight; now that was truly awe inspiring. This video really moved (certain parts of) me. In fact the video was so well done that it was only until after I had, um…calmed down that I realized I didn’t even notice the music or the lyrics. Which is good, because who needs that sort of stuff distracting you when you’re trying to enjoy a video like this.
Okay, so after I wrote this I went and looked for the video online. Apparently it’s actually called “Stupid Sh*t”; not that it changes my opinion in any way. I guess I must be kind of tired out though, because watching the video again less than 20 minutes after the first time I just wasn’t…moved in the same way. Maybe later.
It seems, these days, that almost every show you watch on t.v. (or the ones I watch at any rate) have a disclaimer at the beginning as well as after every commercial break. You know the one that I mean, “This program contains scenes of violence and/or coarse language that may be unsuitable to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.” Now, I won’t get into the violence part, that’s a whole different matter. What I would like to address is the “unsuitable language”.
One of my favourite shows is Hell’s Kitchen. If anyone else has seen this you know that Chef Gordon Ramsay is very fond of using the f-word. This also occurs on a lot of the other “Reality T.V.” out there. However, here’s the funny thing. It’s always bleeped out; the most you hear is “f” then “bleep“. Therefore if you are hearing any offensive language it is in your head.
I think it’s time for the government to step and and censor our brains. It worked on “South Park” when they put the V-chip in Cartman’s brain. Surely it’s not that far fetched. That way the government wouldn’t have to spend it time making up new legislation to “protect” us (i.e. Bill c-10). They could just program the chips to make us do what they want. They could use it for things other than censor-ship as well. They could program the chips to make everyone stop smoking as well. That would be pretty sweet.
Since I found out we were submitted for review at http://iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com/ a day or so ago, I was a little apprehensive. Turns out the review was scathing on some points. I guess I never knew, Canadians just aren’t funny! I can now join the ranks non funny, short bus Canadians everywhere. With names like Jim Carrey, Lorne Michaels, Mike Myers, Martin Short, Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara, Dave Foley, Samantha Bee, Norm Macdonald, Leslie Nielsen, Michael J. Fox, Tom Green and Dan Aykroyd, Phil Hartman and John Candy.
Yep, you sure got us on that one. Canadians just ain’t funny.
We might not be the same kind of Rednecks they were expecting, either. I summed up why I call myself one in the post Redneck, and Proud of it. I wish I was one of those rednecks that lives in a house trailer with his sister / wife and doesn’t know how to read. I’m not that lucky!
The end result is, it just don’t matter. I didn’t start this site to make everyone happy. I started it to make me happy. I am, too. I met people worldwide through comments and posts, I learned a whole slew of things about Wordpress and SEO. I taught a quick lesson on Squeezing Birds. I got to see Vic at Blogger Unleashed layin’ thuh boots to a couple make money wannabees. How much better can life get?
Although it would be nice if I could just Roll Up The Rim To Win a Bayliner Bowrider Boat already. Why are they holding out on me? It’s like some sort of coffee conspiracy.
I was reading an interesting article the other day about how these scientifical-type people have been studying appetite and hunger. They have discovered that there are two types of hunger, brain and stomach. And of course when you diet, you are attacked by both types.
Now; while this study is rather interesting, I am outraged by the methods they used to come to their conclusions. They experimented on animals. They would alternately starve these animals and then allow them to gorge themselves on sugar. They also surgically removed parts of the brains that controlled appetite. The only reason that these actions are tolerated are because the animals being used are rats.
If you put make-up on a monkey, hairspray on a cat or test children’s costumes on dogs or food additives on paramecium, the whole world will freak out. But you can do anything you want to a rat just because the majority of people find them to be ugly, dirty and/or a pest. You know what; I’ve met plenty of Redneck who are ugly, dirty pests and I never once felt any desire to test the new purple ketchup on them to see if it causes a rash when used as a facial cleanser.
It’s not just rats either, you constantly hear about atrocities committed against laboratory mice and of course every time there’s a new variety of Blue Beaver Beer being developed they give it to gerbils to drink. I say it’s time to test beer on humans. I’ll eat all that free food and the scientists can watch me. Rodents are cuddly too if you just give them a chance.
Well, I can only assume it was some little pissant. Perhaps he was out with his ne’er-do-well friends just looking for trouble. They came across a car sitting there minding it’s own business and they decided they would bash in a window. If only a car could walk up could walk up and give them a bash in the side of the head. That would be justice.
Alas, the parents of these slackers are probably too busy surfing the internet looking for pictures of scantily clad members of the opposite sex (and as we all know it’s takes a lot of time and dedication to find that sort of thing on the internet). I recall, once in the folly of my youth, I kicked someone’s car. My father saw me and he literally kicked my @$$. It was a lesson that stuck with me.
I guess what we need is some sort of a “super-nanny” who can come into our homes with a television crew and show us exactly how we been raising our children to be lawless animals. Then she can teach us hoe to give the children a “time-out”. This will allow the child to reflect on how he/she has done something wrong and he/she will be able to see things from the parents point of view. Imagine disciplining children without pain or humiliation. If we all use this “super-nanny” to help us raise our children we will very soon be living in a Utopian society.
And I won’t get my car window bashed in.
So, last night Alberta had a big provincial election. As I write this I don’t know who won. And I don’t really care. Hell, I’m not entirely certain who was running. I think that Stelmach guy was one of them. Ralph Klein probably wasn’t. All I really know is that not one of these Janus-Faced politicians have expressed any opinions whatsoever regarding the things that are important to me. Like a case of Blue Beaver Beer in every fridge in Alberta; or spiny poplar tree fruit in everyone’s pantry. These are the sorts of issues that really concern the common man.
I heard on the radio that a less than 50% turnout was expected. I am not surprised. These politicians live in their glass houses with ivory towers that the taxpayers bought for them, but they’re totally out of touch. What they should do is come on down to The Redneck, buy a few rounds of Beavers and just listen to what the people are saying. Don’t campaign, don’t blow smoke up our a$$es; just listen and drink. I wouldn’t expect one of them to actually participate in a Monday Night Brawl, but maybe they could send in one of their underlings.
So this is my challenge to any politician listening reading my words; if one of your underlings can capture our vacant singles Barroom Brawl title; I will give you my full endorsement right here at The Redneck Bar and Grill. And I’ll name a sandwich after you on our menu.
So, I got to thinking about something the other day. Most people will agree that people are the most intelligent life forms on Earth. (I know some of you out there will try to make a case for dolphins being pretty smart; but really, when was the last time a dolphin came up with a new app for the iPhone? Get real.) So; say you have an employee who seems incapable of learning even the simplest of tasks. You speak to him and he might briefly glance at you before going back to whatever he’s doing but more likely he completely ignores you. The only time he shows a hint of interest is when you offer him food. Would you say that this person is extremely independent and highly intelligent? Or would you say that if he was any dumber you’d have to water him twice a week?
