It starts out at a stand-still as you get yourself situated, with a little help from people who have been around the roller coaster for a lot longer than you. Then you start going forward; a little bit hesitant and shaky as you leave the station. Next, you start climbing up and up and up. You begin to wonder whether or not it’s worth all that climbing. Eventually you reach the top and as you begin to see over the edge you think to yourself, “That doesn’t look so bad. I can’t imagine what all the hype is about.”

Then you go over and start screaming for your life. From there it’s more ups and downs, some wild corners and you even get turned completely upside down a few times. Soon you start to think, “Oh God, when will this end?!” I can’t take much more! I should have gone on the nice, slow, quiet tea-cup ride instead.”

Finally, though, you get to the end and you’re right back where you started. At which point you think, “Gee, I wish that had lasted longer and I wish I had thrown my hands up in the air a few more times.”

So, usually when I run out of things to blog about I just surf around the interweb, reading other peoples’ blogs and stealing their ideas. But this time I decided to do something completely different. I was over at The Rundown a few days back and I read a very interesting post that inspired me to write something totally original. Manodogs was talking about a re-release of “Plan 9 From Outer Space” coming this summer, in 3-D.

As I’m certain many of you are aware, Ed Woods’ magnum opus is widely considered to be the worst movie ever made. Alas, I have never had the pleasure of watching it so I can’t say wether or not it is so. However, I got to thinking that “Plan 9″ may have once held that illustrious distiction, I believe that there are some other more recent movies that should be given consideration.

For example, I was just reading about “From Justin to Kelly” (I’ve never felt self-abusive enough to watch it). According to IMDb the plot is as follows: “Spring break in Miami is the scene. It’s where surf-drenched guys cruise girls in bikinis and raucous parties rule day and night. It’s the perfect time and place for three young women from Texas and a trio of college guys from Pennsylvania to find adventure and maybe even fall in love.” Sounds totally tubular doesn’t it? ?Well, one critic said, “The notion behind it is as contrived, forced, manipulated and fake as any film ever made.” I guess that says it all.

One would also have to take into account such screen gems as; “Glitter”, “Crossroads” and (of course) “Gigli” when one is considering the worst movies ever made. Aagin, I’ve never had the good fortune to see any of these so I just have to take the entire rest of the worlds’ word for it.

Now, as for movies that reeked with stinkosity that I have seen: “I Know Who Killed Me” was pretty awful; Lindsay Lohan as a stripper who never took off her clothes, what’s up wit’ dat? Actually though, for me it’s a toss up between “The Hulk” and “Batman & Robin”. They both caused me irreversible brain damage; those are some neurons that I ain’t never gonna get back.

So I’m sure Ed Wood did his very best to do the very worst; but I’m sorry to say there has been about two new generations of supremely lousy writers and directors since his day. I’m sorry Ed.

The other day, I was talking to my friend Sandi. She started to go on a rant about how when she went to the store to buy freeze pops, they had changed the varieties. There was now strange and unusual flavours like mango and white. She wanted to know what had happened to the red, orange and green flavours (Sandi is one of those rare people who can taste colours). She went on to say that she didn’t like change.

A little bit later in the evening she asked me to be in charge of making burgers for an upcoming barbecue. I made the mistake of saying that I was working on a special recipe for them. She then became quite upset and demanded that I make the exact same burgers that I usually made because that was the type she liked. I reassured her that I only meant that some of the fixings would be different. I was going to have multi-grain buns, jalapeno-mozza cheese (as opposed to the Krapt Shingles[TM] slab of cheese flavoured chemicals that most people use) and a chilli-lime mayo. I promised the burgers would be just as she liked.

Her response was, “You’re what’s wrong with the world, Ernie. There’s no need for chilli-lime mayo. Why do things need to be changed?”

I pondered this notion for a while and I came to realize that we are constantly surrounded by change. Everything that we have now has changed out of something else. For example; earlier that night, Sandi and I had ordered a fully loaded pizza and chicken wings. If you think about it though, originally pizza was a thin, crisp crust with a very simple tomato sauce and fresh mozzarella cheese cooked in a wood fired oven, no other toppings. Modern pizzas that you get from a big chain barely resemble the original recipe at all. Somewhere along the way someone said, “I think we need to change this.” The same goes for chicken wings. The very first time a chicken was cooked it was most likely spit roasted, whole, over an open fire. Then somebody came along and said, “We need to change this so that we only cook the wings by themselves. That would be better.”

The cars we drive, the clothes we wear, the houses we live in, the Blue Beaver Beer we drink, even the toilet paper we use everyday; it has all changed from something else and it is a guarantee that it will change again into a new variety. In fact stop to consider this; we wouldn’t even bee here if our ancestors hadn’t said to themselves, “You know Europe is pretty cool and all, but I feel like a change. Let’s go check out the ‘New World”.

We cannot escape change, it happens constantly; we must learn to embrace it. Well, unless you have yourself put into a coma. Then (subjectively speaking) nothing would ever change.

I realize that’s a pretty controversial thing to say, but if you bear with me I can prove it.

In the Bible it says that God created man in His own image and gave him dominion over all the beasts of the world (or words to that effect).  So Adam was just sitting around the Garden of Eden dominating the beasts.  Then God thought maybe Adam was lonely.  Now, He could have made another guy so that Adam would have someone to talk to about his hobbies and they could have watched the lower primates playing hockey (as they still do to this day) while sitting on the couch drinking beer and eating nachos in the Garden.  Everything would have been just hunky-dorry if it had been Adam and Steve.

Instead, God created woman.  I figure that even though Adam and Eve didn’t know how to have sex yet they still must have felt something that they couldn’t quite explain.  This would lead to complications.  As we all know it was Eve who was tempted by the serpent into eating from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  Then she took the fruit to Adam and coerced him into eating it.  For the record; I personally have never had any respect for guys who allow their…hormones to do the thinking for them, however I have accepted the fact that it happens all the time.  So Adam didn’t think with his big head and he ate the fruit and then they were both screwed (although on the plus side they then learned how to screw).  But they got kicked out of the Garden and they had to go out into the real world where evil was everywhere.

So you see, it’s all right there in the Bible and we all know that the Bible is 100% fact.  You just have to know how to interpret the complex metaphors.  Of course some people out there might try and blame the whole thing on God.  They might say that He knew exactly what Adam and Eve would do as soon as He made them and He just let it happen.  Well, to these people I want to say; get thee behind me, I don’t want to get hurt when you’re struck by lightning.