I realize that’s a pretty controversial thing to say, but if you bear with me I can prove it.
In the Bible it says that God created man in His own image and gave him dominion over all the beasts of the world (or words to that effect). So Adam was just sitting around the Garden of Eden dominating the beasts. Then God thought maybe Adam was lonely. Now, He could have made another guy so that Adam would have someone to talk to about his hobbies and they could have watched the lower primates playing hockey (as they still do to this day) while sitting on the couch drinking beer and eating nachos in the Garden. Everything would have been just hunky-dorry if it had been Adam and Steve.
Instead, God created woman. I figure that even though Adam and Eve didn’t know how to have sex yet they still must have felt something that they couldn’t quite explain. This would lead to complications. As we all know it was Eve who was tempted by the serpent into eating from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Then she took the fruit to Adam and coerced him into eating it. For the record; I personally have never had any respect for guys who allow their…hormones to do the thinking for them, however I have accepted the fact that it happens all the time. So Adam didn’t think with his big head and he ate the fruit and then they were both screwed (although on the plus side they then learned how to screw). But they got kicked out of the Garden and they had to go out into the real world where evil was everywhere.
So you see, it’s all right there in the Bible and we all know that the Bible is 100% fact. You just have to know how to interpret the complex metaphors. Of course some people out there might try and blame the whole thing on God. They might say that He knew exactly what Adam and Eve would do as soon as He made them and He just let it happen. Well, to these people I want to say; get thee behind me, I don’t want to get hurt when you’re struck by lightning.
Have you ever noticed in action movies/t.v. shows; the hero will confront the villain and get shot: three or four slugs right in the chest. Then, after the villain runs off the hero will get up (much to the surprise of the damsel in distress/informant that he is protecting). He’ll open up his shirt and explain, “I’m wearing a vest.” Then he will immediately remove said vest.
Apparently the hero figures, “Hey, I’ve already been shot there’s no way I’ll need this vest any longer; even though my nemesis is still on the loose.”
The villain should just wait around the corner and then, after the hero arrogantly removes his protection, pop out and pump a few more rounds into him and say, “There, that’ll teach you, you big dum-dum.” Or alternately, the villain could just do a little more target practice before leaving his secret lair and learn how to do a head shot. Then he could say, “I guess you should’ve have worn that vest on your head. It would have saved your life and no one would have to look at your ugly face, you infidel pig-dog.” Or words to that effect. After all, why should the hero be the only one who gets to make a semi-clever smart ass comment after killing someone (i.e. “Where’s Buzz-saw?” “He had to split.” [Incidentally I'll e-mail a six-pack of Blue Beaver Beer to anyone who can identify that quote.])
A little while ago Tim furthered my own thoughts regarding the ultimate monster, the Zombie/Vampire/Werewolf hybrid. Tim speculated that zombies might become frozen during the bitter Hoth-like winters we experience here on the Canadian prairies. I would like to take this time to further Tim’s further thoughts. I think the ultimate winter-friendly monster (if monsters can ever said to be friendly) would be something like a zombie/were-arctic-wolf/abominable snowman hybrid.
If you think about it (but not too deeply) the combination of the abominable snowman and arctic wolf parts would provide the necessary anti-freeze abilities for the zombie part which would provide the extra level of unkillableness for the creature. This zombie-snow-wolf-man would be capable of killing it’s way across the frozen tundra. And how could anyone ever destroy it? A silver bullet to the brain? That might work for the zombie and werewolf parts, but what about the abominable snowman aspect of it? Does anyone know how to kill such a thing? I guess it’s fortunate that the frozen tundra is sparsely populated. But then again if that movie “The Day After Tomorrow” came true then the zombie-snow-wolf-man would be able to spread it’s reign of terror much further. I shudder to think of it.
But you as bad as that monster would be, one could only hope that one never come face to face with a skajaquada.
A couple of days ago I wrote all I knew about this H1N1 thing that’s going around. I sort of touched on a few things I suspected about it, but I didn’t really get into that. Mostly I just stuck to the facts. Now, however some of my suspicions have been confirmed.
I was watching that documentary television show, “V” the other night and it turns out that the Visitors are putting some sort of a drug into the human flu vaccine. It’s not really clear what this drug does, but the Visitors do have a hidden agenda so I’ll bet it’s nothing good. We’ve already heard about how they’ve had sleeper agents on Earth for many years; slowly infiltrating many different political, religious and media organizations. For all we know they may have created the flu-formerly-known-as-swine, then they made the immunization and then they started the fear-mongering in order to get everyone injected with this mysterious secret drug of theirs.
Well, I’m sure not going to let them get me. I’m going to spread the word. Everyone who reads this has to tell two friends, who will in turn tell two friends, who will also tell two friends each, and so on, and so on. Of course I realize that I’m putting myself at risk by spreading these paranoid delusions cold hard facts. I could very well end up in a re-Neducation centre. If I turn around and write another post, in a couple of days, about how I was totally wrong and the V’s are our friends, then you’ll know they got to me. But so long as the message gets out it will be worth it.
From time to time, I like to offer up movie reviews. However, this is not one of those times. I merely wish to enter into a deep philosophical discussion that came about from watching the movie “Surrogates”. In case anyone out there is not familiar with the film here is a very brief plot synopsis. In the future several breakthroughs with robot and virtual-reality technology will allow all human beings to put their consciousness into a robot body and send their surrogates out into the world while their bodies stay safe and sound at home. Naturally, almost everyone chooses a robot body that is much more beautiful than their physical one (in one interesting example a fat, balding 40-something man uses a slender, attractive, blond 20-something woman as his surrogate). The indication, in the movie, is that no one ever leaves the “safety” of their own home anymore without using a robot body (except for the “radicals” who absolutely refuse to ever use a surrogate, but that’s a different subplot which doesn’t directly affect my point here).
So everyone is running around in their beautiful robot bodies. This got me to thinking about where our society is headed seeing as this sort of thing is already happening online. Ordinary looking people are using beautiful avatars when they interact with other people on sites like “Second-Life”. And you can bet that half of the hot, elven maidens in “World of Warcraft” are actually ugly men in the real world.
After pondering this idea for a little while, something vastly more alarming suddenly occurred to me. When I realized this it really shook me to the core of my being. In the future that this movie shows: THERE WOULD BE NO MORE RESTAURANTS. My gods, think about it. No one goes out without their robot-body – robots don’t eat – there would be no need for restaurants. Now, maybe it’s possible that these surrogates are sophisticated enough to have some human senses. Obviously they can see and hear and they appear to have a sense of touch. You would think that smell would be a good idea; someone needs to be able to detect gas leaks after all. So taste might not be a great stretch. But because the robot couldn’t eat food, it would have to be some sort of a chemical lubricant that is designed to taste like sous-vide beaver cheeks or else just a couple of lines of downloaded code so that the user-interface simulates the taste of prairie oysters.
On the other hand, though, fast-food chains that were strictly delivery would be doing huge volumes of business.
Eventually we all come to point in our lives when we experience one small thing that will suddenly make us feel old. For some it might be when your best friends’ son (whom you can remember holding when he was only a foot long) graduates high school. For others it might be finding four grey hairs in your goatee (that probably doesn’t apply to very many females). For me personally it happened when I watched Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
Allow me to list the highlights of the movie. Megan Fox wearing Daisy Duke shorts, sprawled out on top of a motorbike. Some amazingly real looking CG robots. Megan Fox bouncing running. Lot’s of explosions. Megan Fox in a low cut blouse. Comic relief from two new auto-bots (Mudflap & Skid-Z). Megan Fox (‘nuff said). What more could any red-blooded, red-necked man ask for? Well, I left the theatre asking for substance.
I felt the same way after watching G.I. Joe. Both movies look great on the surface, but below that; they just didn’t do anything for me. I never used to be that concerned about such things. I watched “Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion” just to see Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino in their bras. I actually paid money to watch “Spice World”. Can you believe that? Looking back I barely can.
Now I want to watch movies with a strong plot and character development, conflict and resolution, an exciting climax and a well thought out denouement (and, obviously, hot chicks). What the hell happened to me? I must be getting old. Well, hopefully “Jennifer’s Body” will satisfy my desires.
Lately, I’ve been giving some thought to the old “nature vs. nurture” debate. Are people born good/bad or do they turn that way later on as a result of their life experiences? Personally I’ve always felt that it was a combination of the two. For example; maybe a child is actually pure evil when he is born, but his family is extremely loving and supportive and give him the best childhood he could possibly have. I think the evil in him would be muted so that he wouldn’t grow up to become a serial killer; just a politician or a lawyer. On the other hand, imagine a girl who is born pure good but grows up in a household where her father is a complete tool who was a country music one-hit-wonder and now he’s using his daughter to try and recapture some fame plus; maybe some evil corporation that’s run by a mouse is also using her to further their own world domination. That kind of girl might grow up to be in a position where she can be an influence on the behavior of young impressionable girls but instead of setting a good example she acts like a skank ho.
Now, it is a well accepted stereotype (and as you know all stereotypes are completely true) that Canadians are very polite and Americans are…not. There’s a scene in the movie “Canadian Bacon” that I often think of. John Candy (playing an American character) is barreling his way through a crowd of Canadians. Every one that he runs into says, “Sorry” or “Excuse me”; whereas he makes no apology at all. I have often observed this behavior at work. If I run into or get in the way of a co-worker, whether it’s my fault or not, they will always apologize. The curious thing is that I hardly ever do the same. In fact my usual response is, “Yes, you are.” (Which almost no one ever gets.)
Could this be my nature because I am half American or is it something that has been nurtured in me due to my own life experiences. I recall my second grade teacher used to come up behind the students and whack us across the back of the head if we were talking and she never apologized for it. And when the bullies would push me to the ground they never said, “Excuse me”. Could incidents like these have influenced me to the degree that I don’t feel a need for automatic deference when co-workers get in MY way?
So, lately I’ve been wonder exactly what the average lay-person can do to generate web traffic either for their own site or for someone else’s. Well, first of all you need to ensure that the web is strong and large enough to support increased traffic. Then select a browser that has all of the features that you think you might require. Then decide exactly what kind of traffic you want to generate on the web. Now there is an old song about how a whole herd of elephants went out to play on the web one day. However, I feel this might be just slightly exaggerated. They are very few webs that could support the traffic of more than two or at most three juvenile elephants. Your best bet is really spiders and/or spider-like creatures.
It is quite a complicated process to just naturally attract more spiders to one web, you’re better off to go out and collect them from their own webs and then put them on your site. Although it may be tempting to try and attract flies, this is not really a good idea. They will simply get stuck and then you web traffic won’t be able to get around and the whole system will just basically crash.
Often times people will try to use a magnifying glass as a browser for their webs. Unfortunately, they usually realize too late that they neglected to factor in the the angle of the sun’s rays going through the lens and the end result is a fire wall. The other main problem with increased web traffic is the increased possibility of viral infection. The web itself can’t get a virus but your spiders just might. You will definitely want to invest in some manner or anti-virus. On the other hand, sometimes it is beneficial to get your web-site to go viral; that way it can spread (in a good way) to a vast number of other web-sites around the world.
As for what types of spiders are you want on your web, there are a wide variety to choose from. The wolf spider may be one of your best choices because it will go out and hunt. That way it will help bring traffic back to your web. The recluse isn’t very exciting, it will just stay in it’s house and not walk around on the web very much. The black widow may help to attract single men to your web-site, but the drawback is that she doesn’t support repeat customers. Many times it is just best to experiment with different spiders or even other creatures just to see what generates the most traffic. One thing to keep in mind, though is that spiders have multiple babies at one time, so you might want to purchase a few double jogging strollers so that they can get out on the web with the children and get some exercise.
So a little while ago my Aunt Pollie was telling me that her law firm has just been swamped with land deals recently. It seems that a vast number of people are wanting to move out to Saskatchewan. Really, who cam blame them; the vast stretches of land that are utterly unobstructed by any sort of features like hills or trees (it’s a well known Canadian fact that all of Saskatchewan’s trees long ago migrated to British Columbia). That sort of thing is really appealing to anyone who has recently undergone elective brain surgery.
There are a number of Saskatchewanians who believe that their province is starting to become the new Alberta. The oil and gas industry is starting to take off, land is abundant and people are starting to want to go there and get a piece of the pie. However, if Saskatchewan does become the new Alberta they had best get ready for an influx of foreigners who can barely speak the English language. Yeah, pretty soon there won’t be anybody left in Newfoundland at all. Next they’ll have to designate some podunk little town as New Fort MacMurray. Maybe North Battleford can be their Newfie Reserve. Lard T’underin’!
Just to assist any of our southern neighbours who may not be familiar with the subtleties of Canadian culture, perhaps this will help. Alberta is in many ways similar to Texas, Newfoundland would be our New Jersey, the closest thing to Saskatchewan might be Nebraska which probably makes Nunavut the equivalent to Delaware.
So, as I mentioned before; we just celebrated Canada Day. Seeing as it fell on a Tuesday this year it wasn’t technically a long week-end. However, a lot of people who were higher up in the pecking order of their companies were able to take Monday off as well as Tuesday. A lot more people were able to beg their employer’s for a four day week-end, and everybody else just called in “sick”. So basically the whole country did get extra time off.
Now what’s interesting is that everybody complains that gas stations all increase their prices just before the long week-end. Ask any consumer and they will tell you it’s a huge conspiracy; but any oil company executive will tell you it’s just simply the law of supply and demand. Regardless of the fact that these evil scum-dogs are always lying, I couldn’t help but notice that the gas price did not increase (at least around the parts) last week-end. However, as I was driving home from work yesterday (Friday) I discovered that the price had risen by 4 cents per litre.
I thought that it was quite odd that the price would go up after the long week-end; but then I suddenly realized that Friday was Independence Day down south of the border. Thus it is a long week-end for our American neighbours. So in other words it is a huge conspiracy, it’s just that the evil American scum-dogs are in charge of it.
But I won’t hold that against all of the fine upstanding people down there who are also suffering from the effects of the aforementioned conspiracy. I will raise a Blue Beaver Beer and salute you as you celebrate the anniversary of the day that Will Smith saved the country from the alien invaders who tried to destroy everything. Have a great long week-end everyone.
Build a hydrogen generator and produce your own hho fuel!
