As I’m certain many of you are aware, Ed Woods’ magnum opus is widely considered to be the worst movie ever made. Alas, I have never had the pleasure of watching it so I can’t say wether or not it is so. However, I got to thinking that “Plan 9″ may have once held that illustrious distiction, I believe that there are some other more recent movies that should be given consideration.

For example, I was just reading about “From Justin to Kelly” (I’ve never felt self-abusive enough to watch it). According to IMDb the plot is as follows: “Spring break in Miami is the scene. It’s where surf-drenched guys cruise girls in bikinis and raucous parties rule day and night. It’s the perfect time and place for three young women from Texas and a trio of college guys from Pennsylvania to find adventure and maybe even fall in love.” Sounds totally tubular doesn’t it? ?Well, one critic said, “The notion behind it is as contrived, forced, manipulated and fake as any film ever made.” I guess that says it all.

One would also have to take into account such screen gems as; “Glitter”, “Crossroads” and (of course) “Gigli” when one is considering the worst movies ever made. Aagin, I’ve never had the good fortune to see any of these so I just have to take the entire rest of the worlds’ word for it.

Now, as for movies that reeked with stinkosity that I have seen: “I Know Who Killed Me” was pretty awful; Lindsay Lohan as a stripper who never took off her clothes, what’s up wit’ dat? Actually though, for me it’s a toss up between “The Hulk” and “Batman & Robin”. They both caused me irreversible brain damage; those are some neurons that I ain’t never gonna get back.

So I’m sure Ed Wood did his very best to do the very worst; but I’m sorry to say there has been about two new generations of supremely lousy writers and directors since his day. I’m sorry Ed.

A little bit later in the evening she asked me to be in charge of making burgers for an upcoming barbecue. I made the mistake of saying that I was working on a special recipe for them. She then became quite upset and demanded that I make the exact same burgers that I usually made because that was the type she liked. I reassured her that I only meant that some of the fixings would be different. I was going to have multi-grain buns, jalapeno-mozza cheese (as opposed to the Krapt Shingles[TM] slab of cheese flavoured chemicals that most people use) and a chilli-lime mayo. I promised the burgers would be just as she liked.

Her response was, “You’re what’s wrong with the world, Ernie. There’s no need for chilli-lime mayo. Why do things need to be changed?”

I pondered this notion for a while and I came to realize that we are constantly surrounded by change. Everything that we have now has changed out of something else. For example; earlier that night, Sandi and I had ordered a fully loaded pizza and chicken wings. If you think about it though, originally pizza was a thin, crisp crust with a very simple tomato sauce and fresh mozzarella cheese cooked in a wood fired oven, no other toppings. Modern pizzas that you get from a big chain barely resemble the original recipe at all. Somewhere along the way someone said, “I think we need to change this.” The same goes for chicken wings. The very first time a chicken was cooked it was most likely spit roasted, whole, over an open fire. Then somebody came along and said, “We need to change this so that we only cook the wings by themselves. That would be better.”

The cars we drive, the clothes we wear, the houses we live in, the Blue Beaver Beer we drink, even the toilet paper we use everyday; it has all changed from something else and it is a guarantee that it will change again into a new variety. In fact stop to consider this; we wouldn’t even bee here if our ancestors hadn’t said to themselves, “You know Europe is pretty cool and all, but I feel like a change. Let’s go check out the ‘New World”.

We cannot escape change, it happens constantly; we must learn to embrace it. Well, unless you have yourself put into a coma. Then (subjectively speaking) nothing would ever change.

Apparently the hero figures, “Hey, I’ve already been shot there’s no way I’ll need this vest any longer; even though my nemesis is still on the loose.”

The villain should just wait around the corner and then, after the hero arrogantly removes his protection, pop out and pump a few more rounds into him and say, “There, that’ll teach you, you big dum-dum.”  Or alternately, the villain could just do a little more target practice before leaving his secret lair and learn how to do a head shot.  Then he could say, “I guess you should’ve have worn that vest on your head.  It would have saved your life and no one would have to look at your ugly face, you infidel pig-dog.”  Or words to that effect.  After all, why should the hero be the only one who gets to make a semi-clever smart ass comment after killing someone (i.e.  “Where’s Buzz-saw?”  “He had to split.” [Incidentally I'll e-mail a six-pack of Blue Beaver Beer to anyone who can identify that quote.])

If you think about it (but not too deeply) the combination of the abominable snowman and arctic wolf parts would provide the necessary anti-freeze abilities for the zombie part which would provide the extra level of unkillableness for the creature.  This zombie-snow-wolf-man would be capable of killing it’s way across the frozen tundra.  And how could anyone ever destroy it?  A silver bullet to the brain?  That might work for the zombie and werewolf parts, but what about the abominable snowman aspect of it? Does anyone know how to kill such a thing?  I guess it’s fortunate that the frozen tundra is sparsely populated.  But then again if that movie “The Day After Tomorrow” came true then the zombie-snow-wolf-man would be able to spread it’s reign of terror much further.  I shudder to think of it.

But you as bad as that monster would be, one could only hope that one never come face to face with a skajaquada.

I was watching that documentary television show, “V” the other night and it turns out that the Visitors are putting some sort of a drug into the human flu vaccine.  It’s not really clear what this drug does, but the Visitors do have a hidden agenda so I’ll bet it’s nothing good.  We’ve already heard about how they’ve had sleeper agents on Earth for many years; slowly infiltrating many different political, religious and media organizations.  For all we know they may have created the flu-formerly-known-as-swine, then they made the immunization and then they started the fear-mongering in order to get everyone injected with this mysterious secret drug of theirs.

Well, I’m sure not going to let them get me.  I’m going to spread the word.  Everyone who reads this has to tell two friends, who will in turn tell two friends, who will also tell two friends each, and so on, and so on.  Of course I realize that I’m putting myself at risk by spreading these paranoid delusions cold hard facts.  I could very well end up in a re-Neducation centre.  If I turn around and write another post, in a couple of days, about how I was totally wrong and the V’s are our friends, then you’ll know they got to me.  But so long as the message gets out it will be worth it.

So everyone is running around in their beautiful robot bodies.  This got me to thinking about where our society is headed seeing as this sort of thing is already happening online.  Ordinary looking people are using beautiful avatars when they interact with other people on sites like “Second-Life”.  And you can bet that half of the hot, elven maidens in “World of Warcraft” are actually ugly men in the real world.

After pondering this idea for a little while, something vastly more alarming suddenly occurred to me.  When I realized this it really shook me to the core of my being.  In the future that this movie shows: THERE WOULD BE NO MORE RESTAURANTS.  My gods, think about it.  No one goes out without their robot-body – robots don’t eat – there would be no need for restaurants.  Now, maybe it’s possible that these surrogates are sophisticated enough to have some human senses.  Obviously they can see and hear and they appear to have a sense of touch.  You would think that smell would be a good idea; someone needs to be able to detect gas leaks after all.  So taste might not be a great stretch. But because the robot couldn’t eat food, it would have to be some sort of a chemical lubricant that is designed to taste like sous-vide beaver cheeks or else just a couple of lines of downloaded code so that the user-interface simulates the taste of prairie oysters.

On the other hand, though, fast-food chains that were strictly delivery would be doing huge volumes of business.

Allow me to list the highlights of the movie.  Megan Fox wearing Daisy Duke shorts, sprawled out on top of a motorbike.  Some amazingly real looking CG robots.  Megan Fox bouncing running.  Lot’s of explosions.  Megan Fox in a low cut blouse. Comic relief from two new auto-bots (Mudflap & Skid-Z).  Megan Fox (‘nuff said).  What more could any red-blooded, red-necked man ask for?  Well, I left the theatre asking for substance.

I felt the same way after watching G.I. Joe.  Both movies look great on the surface, but below that; they just didn’t do anything for me.  I never used to be that concerned about such things.  I watched “Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion” just to see Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino in their bras.  I actually paid money to watch “Spice World”.  Can you believe that?  Looking back I barely can.

Now I want to watch movies with a strong plot and character development, conflict and resolution, an exciting climax and a well thought out denouement (and, obviously, hot chicks).  What the hell happened to me?  I must be getting old.  Well, hopefully “Jennifer’s Body” will satisfy my desires.

Now, it is a well accepted stereotype (and as you know all stereotypes are completely true) that Canadians are very polite and Americans are…not.  There’s a scene in the movie “Canadian Bacon” that I often think of.  John Candy (playing an American character) is barreling his way through a crowd of Canadians.  Every one that he runs into says, “Sorry” or “Excuse me”; whereas he makes no apology at all.  I have often observed this behavior at work.  If I run into or get in the way of a co-worker, whether it’s my fault or not, they will always apologize.  The curious thing is that I hardly ever do the same.  In fact my usual response is, “Yes, you are.”  (Which almost no one ever gets.)

Could this be my nature because I am half American or is it something that has been nurtured in me due to my own life experiences.  I recall my second grade teacher used to come up behind the students and whack us across the back of the head if we were talking and she never apologized for it.  And when the bullies would push me to the ground they never said, “Excuse me”.  Could incidents like these have influenced me to the degree that I don’t feel a need for automatic deference when co-workers get in MY way?

It is quite a complicated process to just naturally attract more spiders to one web, you’re better off to go out and collect them from their own webs and then put them on your site.  Although it may be tempting to try and attract flies, this is not really a good idea.  They will simply get stuck and then you web traffic won’t be able to get around and the whole system will just basically crash.

Often times people will try to use a magnifying glass as a browser for their webs.  Unfortunately, they usually realize too late that they neglected to factor in the the angle of the sun’s rays going through the lens and the end result is a fire wall.  The other main problem with increased web traffic is the increased possibility of viral infection.  The web itself can’t get a virus but your spiders just might.  You will definitely want to invest in some manner or anti-virus.  On the other hand, sometimes it is beneficial to get your web-site to go viral; that way it can spread (in a good way) to a vast number of other web-sites around the world.

As for what types of spiders are you want on your web, there are a wide variety to choose from.  The wolf spider may be one of your best choices because it will go out and hunt.  That way it will help bring traffic back to your web.  The recluse isn’t very exciting, it will just stay in it’s house and not walk around on the web very much.  The black widow may help to attract single men to your web-site, but the drawback is that she doesn’t support repeat customers.  Many times it is just best to experiment with different spiders or even other creatures just to see what generates the most traffic.  One thing to keep in mind, though is that spiders have multiple babies at one time, so you might want to purchase a few double jogging strollers so that they can get out on the web with the children and get some exercise.