Redneck Bar & Grill
Beer, Friends, Food
I know you thought that no one saw you, but I did. You were very careful. What you did should have gone completely unseen. Your backyard is fenced in and the neighbours on both sides of you were away at the time. You should have had privacy. Unfortunately, for both of us, I was at the top of a power pole, in the back alley, just a half block away. I saw everything; and not a day goes by that it doesn’t haunt me.
When I think back on it, I wonder why I didn’t do something. Maybe I could not have intervened directly, but I could have called someone. I suppose, at that point though, an ambulance could not have done anything. The fire department; well, it really wasn’t their…department (so to speak). The police, perhaps, might have made an arrest. Still, though, it was too late to prevent what had already happened. At any rate, I guess I was too much in shock to do anything but stare in horror and disbelief.
Now, no matter what I do I cannot get that image out of my head. I have taken to drinking in an effort to at least numb myself. But, of course, that only works in the short term. Maybe by writing about it I will somehow find some sense of closure. Maybe, someday, I will forget that I saw an obesely fat man mowing his lawn wearing nothing but a Speedo.
…then, according to Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a Redneck. However, what if your lawn furniture used to be part of your van? What does that make you?
And what if you dismantle your washing machine with a shovel? What does that say about you? (Incidentally the ultimate goal of that was to make a fire pit; in case that makes a difference to your perceptions.)
Don’t Go Changing
The other day, I was talking to my friend Sandi. She started to go on a rant about how when she went to the store to buy freeze pops, they had changed the varieties. There was now strange and unusual flavours like mango and white. She wanted to know what had happened to the red, orange and green flavours (Sandi is one of those rare people who can taste colours). She went on to say that she didn’t like change.
A little bit later in the evening she asked me to be in charge of making burgers for an upcoming barbecue. I made the mistake of saying that I was working on a special recipe for them. She then became quite upset and demanded that I make the exact same burgers that I usually made because that was the type she liked. I reassured her that I only meant that some of the fixings would be different. I was going to have multi-grain buns, jalapeno-mozza cheese (as opposed to the Krapt Shingles[TM] slab of cheese flavoured chemicals that most people use) and a chilli-lime mayo. I promised the burgers would be just as she liked.
Her response was, “You’re what’s wrong with the world, Ernie. There’s no need for chilli-lime mayo. Why do things need to be changed?”
I pondered this notion for a while and I came to realize that we are constantly surrounded by change. Everything that we have now has changed out of something else. For example; earlier that night, Sandi and I had ordered a fully loaded pizza and chicken wings. If you think about it though, originally pizza was a thin, crisp crust with a very simple tomato sauce and fresh mozzarella cheese cooked in a wood fired oven, no other toppings. Modern pizzas that you get from a big chain barely resemble the original recipe at all. Somewhere along the way someone said, “I think we need to change this.” The same goes for chicken wings. The very first time a chicken was cooked it was most likely spit roasted, whole, over an open fire. Then somebody came along and said, “We need to change this so that we only cook the wings by themselves. That would be better.”
The cars we drive, the clothes we wear, the houses we live in, the Blue Beaver Beer we drink, even the toilet paper we use everyday; it has all changed from something else and it is a guarantee that it will change again into a new variety. In fact stop to consider this; we wouldn’t even bee here if our ancestors hadn’t said to themselves, “You know Europe is pretty cool and all, but I feel like a change. Let’s go check out the ‘New World”.
We cannot escape change, it happens constantly; we must learn to embrace it. Well, unless you have yourself put into a coma. Then (subjectively speaking) nothing would ever change.
That Was Expo-alidocious!
This past week-end, I had occasion to attend the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo. Let me tell you, I was mighty entertained. As a confirmed Fan-boy, I was super excited to see all the vast quantities of comics for sale. Even better was to attend a panel with comic legends Chris Claremont and Len Wein answering questions from the audience about the X-Men.
Just leaving aside the comic half of the expo, the entertainment half was even better. Featuring such celebrities as Aaron Douglas, Tahmoh Penikett, Sid Haig, Malcolm McDowell, and Erin Gray; as well as Brent Spiner and the great one himself (no, not Gretzky) Leonard frakkin’ Nimoy!
I attended multiple panels with all of these guests and more. I heard some very interesting stories and I found out that Malcolm McDowell is a very funny man. One audience member asked him what he thought of the fact that the Halloween remake was widely disliked. He responded, “I don’t give a crap! I cashed my cheque; buh-bye!” Brent Spiner, though, was even funnier. He did impressions of Captain Picard and Worf and he mentioned how he preferred to do episodes of The Next Generation where he only had one or two lines of dialogue, because he got paid the same as when he did an episode that was entirely focused on Data. Then of course there was Nimoy. Just attending his panel was nearly worth the price of admission. He talked about his trip to Vulcan, Alberta, where he was honoured with a parade and a key to the city (which he said he is planning to try out). He mentioned his work on the t.v. series Fringe; he will be in two more episodes before the end of season two (one of which is supposed to reveal William Bell’s true motivations). And he mentioned that he has made a decision to retire from movies and t.v. Instead he will focus on his photography.
Another highlight was Ed & Red’s Mini-Show; starring Ed the Sock and the very lovely, talented and funny Lianna K. (whose picture graces the top left corner). Their guest stars were Aaron Douglas, Erin Gray, Tahmoh Penikett, Sid Haig, and Lloyd Kaufman with The Toxic Avenger. There were some very funny stories told and I learned a few things I never even would have guessed (i.e. Sid Haig is a liscensed hypno-therapist and Erin Gray has been doing Tai-Chi for the past thirty years.
I should also mention a t-shirt booth that was set up. Some of my favourites were “Horton Hears Cthulhu“, “And then Buffy staked Edward. The end.” and one that had a picture of the panther Guenhwyvar gnawing on Drizzt Do’Urden’s head and underneath the caption “I can has elf?”(that one may be sort of an inside joke).
I could just go on and on about this event, I’m sure that our Beer Buddy (and fellow fan-boy), Manodogs, would be fascinated by it and maybe Steve would enjoy a detailed analyisis of how it was all set up and run (seeing as it is a type of trade show). However, I would hardly know where to stop if I really got going. But I will say, if anyone finds themselves out in this general direction next year, you should come by and check it out. The CCEE is Western Canada’s largest expo of it’s kind, second only to Toronto. In the coming days I’ll share some of my pictures with all of you.