Did you ever pick up some fast food, drive all the way home, and then open the bag and find out you have someone else’s crappy food order?
Did you ever read some fine print, and then accept it, only to realize later that you didn’t even come close to deciphering the lawyer language and you are now stuck with your decision?
It turns out I either misread some fine print or completely missed it when we signed up for our internet provider. We have satellite internet, which isn’t as fast as cable or DSL, but is a lot faster than dialup. It also costs us a fair amount.
The dealer who sold us the subscription told us downloading was unlimited, and the different plans that were available just determined how fast you could receive data. They got it partially correct. Apparently, we also have a "Fair Access Policy" program monitoring us, and it uses a constantly shifting algorithm and data combination to determine whether or not we are ‘fairly’ using the system, or if we are abusing it by downloading too much. If we are in the wrong, we have our bandwidth restricted, for up to 24 hours.
Sometimes in the evening, our internet speed really drops. It could be that we have exceeded our ‘fair’ share of the available resources. And no one can give me an answer of exactly what that might mean to me in particular. Does that mean 3 UTube videos in a row? How about a 32MB operating system update? Can I browse through a bunch of blogs really fast or do I need to read slower so I don’t gum up the works? How in the world can I make sure I don’t run afoul of the Fair Access Policy? It all sounds just a little too vague to me. It’s like a law where the police could give you a speeding ticket based on the amount of traffic and time of day, and there is no set fine, no set speed limit. But you can’t see the other drivers on the internet highway, so you just have to guess.
"Unfortunately, many of these subscribers are not using (name of service) for it’s intended purpose." I thought giving access to the internet and everything on it was the purpose of an internet provider. And I am annoyed with the dealer for not explaining the policies a little better for me.
Life is Like A Box Of Rum Filled Chocolates. And My Internet Provider Kinda Sucks.
I Hear the Oil
Dear Ernie,
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Pondering at The Ponderosa
Dear Ponderous One,
I suppose you think that I will say it comes from cold pressing babies, and while that would be utterly hilarious it couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, baby oil comes from a variety of different cacti. Aloe Vera accounts for most of it, but it also consists of; Aloe Humilis, Prickly Pear, "Frosty Morn" Sedum, "Royal Flush" Cactus and Agave. Some of the more learned in the audience may be aware that the Agave Cactus is also the source of Tequila. It is a little known fact that the essential oils in the Agave are pressed out for the baby oil, then it is pureed and fermented in a complex process that eventually results in Tequila.
Dear Ernie,
Did you hear that?
Suffering Aural Hallucinations on the Moors
Dear Aural-Fixation,
I believe that I did hear something. I presume, though, that what you are really asking is, "What exactly did I just hear?" Unfortunately, this is a written medium and no sound comes through with your message (unless you were to record it on your end and then transmit an MP3 to me) so I can’t really say what it is that you heard. As for myself all I heard, just now, was the sound of myself typing and (very faintly) my roommate’s t.v. upstairs. I hope this helps you.
How To Be Uncool: Just Like Keifer Sutherland
A man in Martinsburg, West Virginia attempted to outrun police when he was accused of drunk driving. Unfortunately, his vehicle was not fast enough. The police, on foot, quickly caught up to the man fleeing on his riding mower. He was taken into custody after he refused to take a sobriety test and the police found a case of beer strapped to the front of the mower. Michael Ginevan, 39, was charged with fleeing while driving under the influence and obstructing an officer.
Personally I blame the Hollywood celebrities for this sort of thing. Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsey Lohan have shown us that you can get away with only a couple of hours of jail time. And Keifer Sutherland is an even worse example. His "24" character, Jack Bauer, is the epitome of cool. Young people see him driving drunk and they think doing the same thing will make them cool (we all know how impressionable young people are these days). Well, I don’t think it’s cool at all. After a night out at The Redneck Bar & Grill when I’ve had a few too many Blue Beaver Beers, I never drive. I always ride my bicycle home; and I’ve only ever hit three pedestrians.
Pardon My Stench
Here in Alberta, the majority of communities have passed smoking by-laws which ban smoking in all public places. Of course the bar owners whined about the legislation before it passed, claiming it would stop people from going out. Clearly they underestimated the human desire to get falling-down-puking-stupid-drunk in a public place surrounded by strangers while crappy music gets played at a deafening volume. As far as I know the smoking by-law has not affected business at bars nor at bingo halls.
However, I think these laws don’t quite go far enough. For one thing, I work in a lumber yard and quite a few of the customers seem to think that because they are outdoors it’s okay for them to be smoking. Just yesterday, I was helping load up one guy with some concrete slabs. Due to the heaviness of these slabs it requires two people to lift them and because of the relatively small size you have to stand less than two feet apart. This particular customer had a lit cigarette in his mouth while we were loading him, so I was forced to second-hand smoke right along with him. I felt it was highly impolite.
There is another aspect of smoking that I find just as bad. I’ll be sitting in the lunch room at work, minding my own business and eating a sandwich when a smoker comes in and sits beside me. Although they smoke outside, they come in absolutely reeking of cigarette stench. It strongly impacts my enjoyment of the food I’m eating. Naturally, they can’t smell anything since they’ve just been inhaling all that smoke. They are oblivious of anyone else. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that they shouldn’t have the right to smoke but I think that laws should be passed that would force these people to smoke in such a way that they don’t smell bad after-wards. I envision some sort of a bio-hazard type-suit with only an opening large enough for them in inhale and exhale. That should be sufficient. After all, what if I came to work reeking of beer, what would these people have to say about that?