Relationship Advice For Men – Give Your Lady Synthetic Grass

Ernie — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 04:09:09 +0000

I’m certain everyone is aware that Monday nights at the Redneck we have our weekly Bar-room Brawls. The event has grown considerably since it first started and we have had to make a few changes. First of all our tag-team champions, Tammy-The-Mom-Who-Knows-Everything and The-Absolutely-True-Gerri, retired undefeated. They decided that since no one could beat them, it was only fair to let someone else have a fighting chance. Every now and again though, they dullen up their trusty-rusty knives and step back into the ring just to knock the current champions down a notch.

In addition we decided it was best to build a separate area adjacent to the bar. Known as the Medium Round Gardens, the arena can seat 12 with standing room for 5 more and it has been filled to capacity on more than one occasion. It started out as just a tent on the lawn, but all those people tramping around combined with all of the actual fighting really tore up the grass. That’s why we made the decision to instal synthetic grass. Seeing as it is much more resilient than the real stuff it really stands up to the pounding it takes on a weekly basis.

Since we built the arena we felt it would probably be best if we diversified a bit and found some other uses for it. From time to time we book concerts, both White Noise and Flailed Cabbage were complete sell outs (the shows, I mean, not the bands themselves). We also have had a few guest speakers. In fact just last week we had two speakers come in for a special pre-Valentine’s Day seminar. Both speakers offered their unique relationship advice for men.

I don’t want to give too much away (because I might get sued) but I want to offer some review/preview of what you can expect if you ever have the chance to attend one of their seminars. Anne-Michelle Smythe said that if you are a rich, older man you should very seriously consider marrying a women in her early twenties. She will do things for you on your honeymoon that you will remember until your dying day. In fact she will most likely continue to do such things until your dying day. On the other side of the spectrum, Bernie Wedgeman has been married four times and now is a self-described “born again bachelor”. He advises that you really can buy love and purchasing it by the hour is far more affordable than paying for it for the rest of your life.

Personally, I am still hoping to get Larry Winget to do his seminar here at the Redneck. He claims he can prove that “People Are Idiots”. I would sure like to know more on that subject. Soon I am sure that we will find even more uses for the Medium Round Gardens maybe we could host the UFC sometime; you know the Under Foot Children.

Another Day, Another Bar-room Brawl

Ernie — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 03:33:12 +0000

Lately, our Bar-room Brawl Tag Team Champions; Tammy and Gerri have been…concerned about the lack of competition. It seems that their legend grows each week and everyone out there is simply feeling too daunted to even challenge the ladies. No one seems to believe that they won’t be utterly humiliated if they step into the ring. Due to this problem I have been working hard to devise a solution. My first thought was maybe force Gerri and Tammy to fight sober. But it’s hardly fair to enforce such a harsh punishment on them (besides we are running a bar, it would be just plain stupid to suggest that anyone not drink). Then, after several hours of watching old WWF matches from the early ’90′s, I came up with a plan.
We will have a series of “gimmick” matches for the title belts. First up will be a beer-bottle-on-a-pole match. There will be a tall pole attached to one ring post. By standing on one’s tipppy-toes on the top rope, one will be just able to reach the Blue Beaver Beer bottle hanging off of the pole. Then one can use said bottle (after drinking the contents, obviously) in whatever way one wants in order to gain an advantage. I would suggest being creative with it. Pretend it still has beer in it, set it down, when your opponent goes for it you can give him a double-axe-handle across the back.
Next up, we’ll have a boiler-room-brawl. The two teams will start off in the boiler room and they have to battle their way out until one team can make it back to the ring and claim the case of Blue Beaver Beer that I will be holding. Of course you can use anything you can find in the boiler room as a weapon (although in Alberta, Fire Code Regulations state that you are not allowed to store anything at all in the boiler room).
I briefly considered a mud-wrestling match, but that usually tends to be demeaning to females. I want it to be known that I am not that kind of guy. Instead we will be having a gravy-bowl match. There will be a large pool full of chicken-mushroom gravy. Two teams enter clad in very tasteful bathing suits and they fight until a pin-fall is achieved. Mushrooms may be used as weapons.
So anyone out there who wishes to challenge Tammy and Gerri, just pick whichever match you like and then practice in your backyard until you’re really good. Then come on down to The Redneck on a Monday night and maybe, just maybe you might have a shot. As well, we will be having a tournament to determine a singles champion. If you think you got what it takes, let me know and I’ll schedule a match for you.

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Relationship Advice For Men – Give Your Lady Synthetic Grass

Another Day, Another Bar-room Brawl