First, flowers.  Instead of the boring and ordinary long stem roses, try something different; I suggest a Venus Flytrap.  I saw a movie where a guy fed his blood to one and it became intelligent.  Both you and your partner can feed your blood to it and you can say you’re feeding it with your love.  I’m sure wonderful things could happen if you feed a plant with love.

Chocolates: well we all know that eating a whole butt-load of refined sugar is really bad for you.  I would suggest that you give chocolates that have no sugar added; better yet give her some raw cocoa beans.  Sure they may be a little bitter, but tell she’s so sweet she doesn’t need sugar.

Hearts: I think the most romantic gesture you could possibly make to a loved one is to rip your own heart right out of your chest and present it, still beating, to her.  If you don’t quite love someone that much, the next best thing to do is present the heart of her greatest enemy to her (of course the greatest enemy of every female is time, but that’s a completely different story).

Cards: regular cards are not environmentally friendly and so we should all cease to give them out for any occasion.  One option is of course the e-card.  The other thing you could do is scratch your message on the side of her car or write it on the wall with a permanent marker; that way it will be a long-term reminder of how you feel.

Lingerie: as we all know giving a woman lingerie is really a gift for the man; although we try to persuade her that the idea is to make her feel sexy.  If you give it to her on Valentine’s Day it’s pretty much a guarantee that she will wear it once before it ends up at the back bottom corner of her underwear drawer.  The good news for the woman is that she won’t have to wear it for very long.

Romantic dinners: well guys, putting a candle on the table at Wendell’s or Burger Hut just isn’t going to be good enough nor is buying a supersized “sparkling white pop”.  You’re going to have to take her out to a real restaurant where they have table service and real wine (Mad-dog 2020 is also not going to cut it).  You’ll probably have to spend at least $20 on her.  Just keep in mind you only have to do this twice during the year (if you forget her birthday there will be big trouble).

If you just follow this simple advice you will both have a “happy ending” to the night.  Although in nine months time you could possibly end up having to invest in a double-jogging stroller.  The good news there is that it’s a great way for a man to lose the weight he put on during the pregnancy.