Redneck Bar & Grill

Well, what’s in the news these days.  Oh; there’s one rather obscure item that I ran across recently.  Probably not very many of you out there have heard about this, though, it hasn’t gotten a lot of coverage by mainstream press.  There’s this thing called H1N1 going around (it’s the Flu-Formerly-Known-As-Swine).  Basically it’s a regular flu that’s been turned up to 11.  From what I understand listening to the fear-mongering public service announcements if you don’t get an inoculation against this thing, IT WILL KILL YOU DEAD INSTANTLY.  At least that’s how they make it sound.

Now, I thought I ought to do a little research and delve into the origins of this flu; however I couldn’t be bothered find adequate time in my busy schedule to do a whole lot of delving.  So instead I’ll just tell you my assumptions based on rumours that I have heard (just as if I was writing something for Wikipedia).  I heard that this flu actually passed from humans to swine instead of vice versa , so I guess some pig farmer was sick while he was making out with one of his sows and he infected her.  All last year when we first heard of this thing they kept calling it the swine flu.  Then a large group of hogs got together and protested this besmirching of their characters.  As a result some scientist pressed a few random buttons on his keyboard and came up with “H1N1″ instead.  It’s supposed to be “politically correct” so that the pigs can’t sue anyone over it.  Unfortunately now people are calling it the “hienie” flu.  So I guess that’s the one negative aspect of the whole thing.

Now; the fear-mongerers experts are saying we all need to get immunized, but there are a couple of catches to that.  First of all, there seems to a little less vaccine than what they initially anticipated.  Then there was a far larger demand than they predicted (I guess their “public service announcements” scared the bejesus out of more people than they predicted).  So now they have to go in order of who is highest risk and immunize these groups first.  People with weakened immune systems, young children, pregnant women, CEO’s of major financial institutions who can buy as much vaccine as they want, hockey players who are in peak physical condition.  You know, people who are in real danger.

Personally, I think I’m going to be safe.  I’ll call in to The Redneck Bar & Grill and say I’m sick, then I’ll wrap my whole house in plastic and duct tape, put on a body condom and never leave the house or have any direct contact with another living creature again.  That should do the trick.