Let’s Go Get Stampeded

Well, it’s that time of year again.  Time for the annual Horseguard Valley Stampede.  This year is the 24 ½ th  anniversary of the very first Horseguard Stampede.  Back then it was just Old Man Karhoffer (at the time he was Middle-Aged Man Karhoffer) running an uncontrolled herd of Beefalo headlong down the valley.

Nowadays, it’s completely changed.  A bunch of local ranchers run an assortment of animals headlong down the valley while hundreds of spectators watch to see where they’ll all end up.  Unlike other Stampedes out there, all of the people in attendance at the Horseguard actually know the difference between a cow and a horse.  They don’t just buy a cowboy hat and boots and call themselves cowboys.

This spectacle is great fun for the whole family.  There’s all kinds of different attractions to take in.  Local band White Noise is headlining the main stage.  You can travel just a short distance away to the sovereign country of Sebekia, where you can see a breathtaking pyrotechnics display every night.  The Redneck BBQ competition will go ahead with a vast variety of hot dogs and instant macaroni and cheese dishes getting cooked up as well as everyone‘s favourite BBQ-Rib-On-A-Stick.  The senior Sebeks will be giving free Square, Round and Triangle Dancing lessons.  There are many rides to go on as well; such as The Vomit Inducer and The Spin Around In Circles At High Speeds Until You Spew.  Also there will be bungee jumping but you have to bring your own rope.  For the younger kids there is a petting zoo with a blue beaver, a blue-footed booby and a rare blue lobster.  There will also be free neck painting.

You can hardly believe that all that excitement can be packed into just 45 hrs. and 15 min.  As always the entire Stampede culminates with the running of the glaciers.  Dozens of people every year run in front of the glaciers that are hurtling down the valley.  Over the years there have been a few unfortunate souls who got trampled to death.  But if you are slower than a glacier (either physically or mentally) than you shouldn’t be trying to outrun one.  Come one, come all to the greatest show on (the Horseguard Valley part of the) Earth.  You won’t want to fail to not miss this; I assure you.

July 8, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , , | 27 Comments »

A Redneck Story: How Bucky Made it to the Big Time!

Bucky The Beaver: Redneck Icon and Role Model


Everyone who drinks Blue Beaver Beer at the Redneck knows and loves our favorite blue furry friend, Bucky the Beaver. We’ve seen his rise to fame, from Horseguard River working critter to Blue Beaver Beer spokescritter. It’s a true rags to riches tale, spanning many years.
Buky was born in a muddy den, deep in the Horseguard Valley. He was raised to work hard, like all beavers. He worked dam hard, all day long, on the family dam. But even as a young beaver, Bucky had big ideas and dreams of fame. He had heard of other animals that made it big. Mickey Mouse, Woody Woodpecker and Bugs Bunny were the heroes in all of his bedtime stories. He knew that size or species or huge teeth were no barrier to entry in the world of smart ass critters. Even Pluto, who wasn’t aloud to wear clothes like his dumber cousin Goofy, made it big time.
He didn’t enjoy hard work like all the other beavers. So, Bucky decided to make a break for it and leave behind his redneck brown collar existence as a swamp creature. He headed straight for Hollywood, traveling mostly by river when possible, but once hitching a ride with a desperate trucker named Wayne. When he arrived in the big town Bucky thought he would have an easy time getting into show biz. Unfortunately, he was wrong. No one wanted a redneck beaver.
No one would hire an unknown like our hero. He couldn’t find a place to live or food to keep going, and was tempted into working the streets. Reduced to turning tricks to make it by, Bucky was a sexually exploited beaver. That is why he raises money for charities today. Hookers Outreach Enterprise (HOE) was started by Bucky the Beaver to try to get those unlucky beavers and hookers off the streets.
Bucky never gave up on his dream of become a wise ass cartoon character. He auditioned, he practiced his stand up routine, he tried to trade sexual favors for jobs, all to no avail. You can still find the occasional dirty picture of a naked beaver trying to get ahead by any means possible.
Then one day, as Bucky was out walking the street, a billionaire stopped to ask for directions. They hit it off, and he ended up taking Bucky back to his hotel room to help the downtrodden beaver out. It was the leg up that Bucky needed. And that billionaire was none other than Richie Rich, the comic book star.
Soon Bucky got parts in commercials and as extras movies.

(this story to be continued)

February 2, 2008 | | Tags: , , , , , | 5 Comments »