…then, according to Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a Redneck. However, what if your lawn furniture used to be part of your van? What does that make you?
And what if you dismantle your washing machine with a shovel? What does that say about you? (Incidentally the ultimate goal of that was to make a fire pit; in case that makes a difference to your perceptions.)
Ernie recently posted Stick It Up Your App as part of his ongoing battle against pointless sillyness. Now I realize Ernie is all for pointful sillyness, such as green beer on St. Patrick’s Day. And, I’d have to agree that many of the apps I personally loaded onto my iPhone were not only pointless and silly but also didn’t work very good.
For instance, Grenade Lite. If it’s the free version they attach the word Lite to it, and charge varying amounts of money to upgrade to the full flavoured version. Unfortunately for them, I’m cheap as a monkey so I never upgrade. Anyways, you slide your finger across the screen to pull the pin out of the grenade and a few seconds later, it “explodes”. Wow. Problem with this app? When you pull the pin on a real grenade, the handle flies off. Anyone that has watched Avatar could easily verify that even futuristic CG grenades work this way. The programmers of this app didn’t even figure out how a grenade works before they made their crappy app, or CRAPP. And, it really has no point. Its not like I’m going to throw my phone to fake a grenade, so I gotta hold it and let it “explode”. That’s not how we did it in the army.
Yeah, I’ve downloaded farting apps, apps that shoot virtual on screen guns, an app that loads a new insult every time you shake the phone, and one where a cow moos at you every time you talk. These were all Crapps. I had one app that just shouts “Woooooo!” every time you push the button. It makes you glad we are improving the universe with such important and functional technological advances.
But then there are all the super useful apps. Like eReader, which lets me read books anywhere and for a lot less money each than a paper book. Or Pocket Wikipedia, which allows me to win arguments on the go with those who don’t have all the facts at their fingertips. And how about Flixter, which allows me to easily find out movies playing and showtimes at local theaters. And lets not forget that I can even get phonecalls! That’s right, not only can I do all that other stuff but I can receive calls, make calls access voicemails, and even phone 911 from my iPhone. Not to mention texting. And of course, I am never one of those distracted texting drivers. I make handsfree calls with bluetooth while on the road.
What self respecting Hi Tech Redneck wouldn’t want to pack around a dozen ebooks and at least two gun apps?
Recently, I had occasion to take a road trip out to Hairy Hill, Alberta. I, of course, know exactly how to fit in in any small town in Alberta; so I thought I would share some tips with all of The Redneck’s patrons. The majority of these tips should, most likely, serve you well in all small towns anywhere in North America.
The first thing you want to do is to make sure you’re decked out in your finest rockabilly clothing. It’s also a good idea to act very touristy. For example, ask everybody for directions to main street, or ask how to get to the hairy hill (even if you’re not in Hairy Hill at the time).
One thing you can be assured of; any community in Alberta that is officially village sized or larger, there is always a bar of some sort (often times attached to a hotel where no one ever actually stays). I recommend you go in, order a bottle of Chateau Haut-Brion, 1959 and then start making redneck jokes. This is guaranteed to make the regulars in the bar stand up and “take notice” of you.
If you’re there with friends you could start playing fun drinking games. Every time you hear someone say “I reckon”, or talk about their tractor or if you see a guy with a belt buckle bigger than his wife’s purse; you have to take a drink. But if anyone actually says he or she has to “go home and slop the hogs“, you have to slam your entire drink.
In no time at all you will have a crowd of people around your table who will be clamoring to introduce themselves to you. You will be repeatedly asked if you would like to either “step outside” or possibly even “to dance”. I heartily recommend that you accept all of these offers. You will come out of the experience with memories that will last for a lifetime (assuming the brain damage isn’t too severe).
Of course you should be aware that travel to small towns is not recommended right now due to an outbreak of the H2N3 Virus; more commonly known as the Weasel Flu. Symptoms of this flu include extreme lethargy: most people who come down with it just sit on the couch watching television and eating cold cereal all day long. They also have problems speaking, quite frequently using improper grammar and sentence structure (I.e. they may say things like, “I eated all my cereal.” or they may just stick out their tongues and make a wordless noise). However, if you ensure that you wear a surgical mask over your mouth and nose at all times, it will filter out 98.9% of the virus.
Well, it’s been a few weeks since I was last seen at The Redneck; and probably many of you have been wondering if I went on another pointless holiday sabbatical. I haven’t. Rather I simply decided to spend some time in my un-happy place. It’s a dreary place where the clouds cover the sun all the time. It snows every night, then melts every day around here.
Now, you must be wondering why who anyone choose to spend time there. Well, I’ll tell you why right now. You have to spend time in your un-happy place once in a while otherwise you won’t be able to properly appreciate you happy place.
It’s like that brilliant philosopher, Butthead, once said, “If nothing sucked and everything was cool all the time; it’s like, how would you know it’s cool. You have to have stuff that’s sucks in order to have stuff that’s cool.”
So now when I eventually make it back to my happy place the sun will be that much brighter and warmer. The air will smell that much more sweet as will the flowers. For now though, I have to make the transition through my neutral place. A place where everything is just kind of static. But I’m really hoping I can get a case of that Weasel Flu that’s going around because that would make my life exciting and send me to my sick place (which I can usually only get to by having impure thoughts about Miley Cyrus). Unfortunately the weasels that I hang out with are only afflicted with Acute Laziness Syndrome which I already have