I know I speak for a lot of beer lovers when I say that beer shouldn’t make you fat. It is downright unfair.
What we need is beer that actually uses up calories while you drink it. I would love to drink beer like I used to, but I just don’t want to pack around all that extra weight on my middle. It took months to get rid of that extra 40 lbs the first time and I’m not gonna just put it back on by drinking high calorie beer and eating hot wings! Anyone that could give us alternatives that taste great and don’t make us fat would be just rolling in the dough.
There are more than one negative calorie foods diets out there. We need to get scientists working harder on this and inventing some new versions of foods that suck up calories instead of putting on pounds. How about these new snack favourites that they are working on right now?
Workout Hot Wings- eat a 1 lb plate of these babies and the burning combined with the extra bathroom trips means you end up 3 pounds lighter! A special combination of extra hot, ultra aged peppers soaked in Castor Oil will have you begging for more – or maybe just begging for mercy. Serve with a side of Pepto Bismol.
Chunky Chocolate Browser Cookies- made with real internet cookies, all you do is eat these full flavoured delicious browser data chocolate chunks until you are stuffed to the gills. Then simply Clear Private Data and it will be just as if those internet cookies never existed. Who knew it could be so easy?
Styrofoam Peanut Crunch - now, another use for those stupid styrofoam packing peanuts. No longer will these environmental hazards be blowing around landfills. From now on they will be safely trapped in this new dessert fave. Utilizing the ever handy Styrofoam glue, and imported peanut flavouring created in industrial China using leftover toy parts, Styrofoam Peanut Crunch will have your tastebuds crying – hopefully for more! An excellent Christmas Gift for relatives that have already lived too long, I mean, that already have everything.
And last but not least, Reverse Osmosis Blue Beaver Beer. This full flavoured brew tastes just like the world famous Blue Beaver Beer you all know and love. Utilizing the quantum data gathered at the Condor Research Facility and Atom Smasher, scientists have entangled beer molecules with molecules of commonly held stocks and bonds. That means that as the stocks and bonds devalue and shrink, the beer molecules will lose their calories to the economic downturn. Drink up! Finally, physics and the stock market are on your side about something. Now who’s the biggest loser?
I guess these would make a good addition to our highly sought after redneck beer gift baskets. I will be looking into it for future shipments. So remember, when you’re feeling blue, grab a Beaver!