A little while back (when it was all the rage) I decided to jump on the Atkins band-wagon. I have to say it was a pretty fun ride. Eating all that special food that everyone was making especially for us. The protein bars and shakes, the sucralose enriched chocolate cake, peanut-flavoured-soy-butter-spread. Best of all was low-carb beer that all of the breweries were making in order to take advantage of all of us suckers health-conscious consumers. I drank a heck of a lot of the Pale-Tail Ale from the Blue Beaver Brewing Company. One of my favourite meals to make was cooked low-carb ground beef, low-carb roasted red pepper soup and low carb pasta all mixed together with a little low-carb salt and pepper. Them’s good, low-carb, vittles.
Now of course the new band-wagon is to bash the whole Atkins thing. Everyone says, “After I stopped doing Atkins and went back to eating what I was before I gained back all the weight that I lost. So basically going that whole week without bread was pretty pointless.” Now all the idiots health conscious consumers out there just take some “all natural” pills that will make your body burn fat. So now you can eat all the crap you could possibly crave without any repercussions or exercise whatsoever. Of course there are a few slight side effects; nausea, heartburn, indigestion, vomiting, diarrhea, convulsions, permanent out-of-body experience, but that’s okay ’cause I can eat potato chips and pizza for every single meal and still lose 90% of my overall body weight with these pills.
Just the other day I was on the subway and I got to talking with a guy named Jarod about diets. Jarod from the subway was telling me he invented a diet where the only foods you consume are beer and celery. I told him that I heard about that diet a long time ago from a regular patron at The Redneck by the name of Jordan. Jarod claimed that his diet was completely different from Jordan’s because he was drinking Spoors Lite and taking a multi-vitamin every day. We argued semantics for a while, but I could barely look him in the eye, I was so disgusted by his choice in beer. After I turned my back we were able to have a more rational conversation about diet and overall health. I told him that I had found a sure fire cure all. It works on any virus, disease or parasite and even hypochondria and impotence. Placebos are the new wonder drug for the 2000′s. Side effects are pretty minimal as well. They may or may not cause any or all of the following conditions; telepathy, telempathy, telephone calls, telemarketing tendencies, teleprompting, telemetry or they may have no effect at all. Consult someone who plays a doctor on t.v. before taking placebos. Women who do or do not want to get pregnant should not take placebos at any time before, during or after sexual relations.
Jarod from the subway said that he ended up in drug rehab when he was 21 because he had become addicted to placebos. Then he enrolled in a one-step program; Step 1) Don’t ever take placebos again as long as you live.