The Penultimate Monster

A little while ago Tim furthered my own thoughts regarding the ultimate monster, the Zombie/Vampire/Werewolf hybrid.  Tim speculated that zombies might become frozen during the bitter Hoth-like winters we experience here on the Canadian prairies.   I would like to take this time to further Tim’s further thoughts.   I think the ultimate winter-friendly monster (if monsters can ever said to be friendly) would be something like a zombie/were-arctic-wolf/abominable snowman hybrid.

If you think about it (but not too deeply) the combination of the abominable snowman and arctic wolf parts would provide the necessary anti-freeze abilities for the zombie part which would provide the extra level of unkillableness for the creature.  This zombie-snow-wolf-man would be capable of killing it’s way across the frozen tundra.  And how could anyone ever destroy it?  A silver bullet to the brain?  That might work for the zombie and werewolf parts, but what about the abominable snowman aspect of it? Does anyone know how to kill such a thing?  I guess it’s fortunate that the frozen tundra is sparsely populated.  But then again if that movie “The Day After Tomorrow” came true then the zombie-snow-wolf-man would be able to spread it’s reign of terror much further.  I shudder to think of it.

But you as bad as that monster would be, one could only hope that one never come face to face with a skajaquada.

January 2, 2010 | | Tags: , , , , | 16 Comments »

The Redneck Undead: Vampires, Zombies, Werewolves, Fast Food Attendants

Ernie and I both enjoy a good story about an undead critter, like a zombie or a government worker. I know we aren’t alone in our interests. Steve writes about his trade show zombies and the Zombie boot camp, while Petra at Lil Blog of Horrors delves right into all kinds of dark and scary “B” movies. For instance, check out her review of Trailer Park of Terror. Scary stuff, kids!I get the feling that Steve hopes to never see a real zombie or any other kind of horrifying undead. Petra might actually want to run into one though…

Ernie once wrote about The ultimate monster, a werewolf/vampire/zombie hybrid. I gotta tell yah, this idea of a WereZombPire really freaks me out. Can you imagine a hairy monstrosity bending over to bite your neck, and one of his rotten fingers falls right off his paw into your face? Or would he be after your brains, and then change his mind and go for the neck? Can you stop howling at the moon and just kill me and get it over with, already! If you put too many undead superpowers in one critter, it just seems unmanageable. When he changes back from werewolf, is he still a VampZombie or is he human? Does he shuffle along, bumping into walls aimlessly, or is he a “fast” zombie? Can it go outside in the sunlight? And, is it into necrobestiality?

As Ernie pointed out, who would be capable of creating a monster like this?  The zombie part would be potentially useful in controlling your undead beastie, but what would be this evil genius’ overall goal? World domination? You would need an army of these things… Or do they infect victims with WVZ cell virus and you become a rotting hairy bloodsucker in short order? It would be a good idea to read up on the possibility of a zombie apocalypse just in case this kind of thing ever happens.

Then of course we get to the Evil Dead, and it turns out that the Evil Dead are Pretty Good Singers. We are both long time fans of this particular undead franchise. I mean, who wouldn’t love a guy who cuts off his own hand and attaches a mean ‘ole chainsaw to the stump, to fight demon infested zombies? With lines like “Wait. Its a trick. Get an axe!” you just can’t go wrong. While I never got to see the musical, Ernie gave it a great review. The evil dead are worse than a regular zombie. If a demon gets into you, you go bad. There doesn’t have to be a bite or wound, they just fly around trying to get you in their insubstantial form, until they do.

One thing I’ve always wondered is, how do zombies move around when its minus 30 C outside? Do they freeze solid and thaw out in the spring, or are they full of some sort of necro antifreeze? I’m betting that today in Alberta, all the zombies are frozen stiff and I can put my necro sledge away for a a bit.

December 14, 2009 | | Tags: , , , , , | 30 Comments »

Shedding More Light On Twilight?

I have been around the internets and seen several Wordle pictures. These things fascinate me. I took my recent post about Twilight and Wordle- ified it. It just seems so weird and intuitive that I decided to put it out for everyone to see. It’s dark, edgy, and jumbled. How did it know to pick this layout on its own?

Twilight Wordle

Oh, and the name of the post is not a reference to wolf hair. Also, I probably won’t shed any light on the subject. More likely I’m muddying the waters and confusing predictions, just like Alice is blocked by Jacob and his friend.

December 13, 2009 | | Tags: , , , | 34 Comments »

Twilight and the Bestiality vs. Necrophilia Debate

What with all the internet hooplah over Twilight being about necrophilia or bestiality, I thought I’d throw my two cents in. Be warned, not only might there be Twilight spoilers, this might be a lunch spoiler for some.

Before I start, I should point out that I read all the books plus watched both movies. My daughter convinced me to read the first book, and I was hooked. I got the rest of them and read nonstop until I was done the series. It isn’t my usual type of reading, but I loved it.

Many of the people commenting online about this don’t seem to have any knowledge of the storyline at all, judging from their comments on message boards:

“well i think it’s half necro, and half beastiality
Necro-Beastiality?”

“ok. from a sci-fi book lover. vampires are not animals, and they are UNdead. so it would be neither bestiality nor necrophilia.”

Well the first comment is just missing the boat entirely. There are no werewolf vampire combos available for Bella to get the hots for. The second comment shows a complete lack of the storyline as well. Bella has to chose between a vampire or a werewolf, people! Didn’t you watch the trailer at least?

Is a love life with a vampire necrophilia? I don’t think so. My understanding of this deviant practice is that individuals are turned on by the ultimate control of a motionless, unresisting, nonthreatening partner. This does not describe a mobile creature that can barely resist ripping into you to suck out your life force. So technically it might be necrophilia in a way because vampires have no life. But in practice it is obviously a different situation.

Same thing goes for bestiality and werewolves. Bella is attracted to Jacob, and was before she knew he was able to change shape. There is no indication whatsoever that she is all hot and bothered about dogs, wolves, or any other furry critter. Bestiality is usually with farm animals, because again, just like dead bodies, they’re easy. Most of these sexual deviants have issues with rejection and fear. A real guy or gal will be too threatening. Let’s tie up Bessie and get a stool! Werewolves could potentially reject you in a very bloody fashion, but Bessie already puts up with milking, so how much dignity does she really have?

Anyone else have thoughts on this?

December 9, 2009 | | Tags: , , , | 53 Comments »